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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Strange how my Mother wouldn't move too far away from her own Mother incase anything happend to her and she didn;t want her own Daughter. Me...

24 replies

SoleSource · 16/10/2014 20:28

Or maybe it was because she didn't want to be so far away from her family (whom she hardly sees) because of my Dad and his moods. She might have felt that being closer to them meant she had somewhere to go if the worst happened and she split with my Dad .No D.V etc he just a moody, unreasonable cunt at times.

How does one ever get over the feeling of being unwanted by their Mother?

I guess when us unwanted have children of our own we get something back from them, a security, love, validation for who e are and show them a different way of parenting s we experienced ourselves.

Yes, i have don that with my own Son but as he has no speech, blind and sleep all the time or he upstairs in bed listening to music i miss out on that.

Fact is i am very lonely and and i find it hard to cry. I need a huge howl, sad music, film doesn't do it for me.

My cleaner was here the other ay. Such a beautiful soul he has. Made me have tar in front of her and then she went on to eplain how her Step Mother had broken her arm and then leg when she was a child and had six long hospital stays because of the violence.

She has a loving boyfriend.

I am sick of having nobody and feeling unwanted.

It is hard to snap out of stuck in this house all the fucking time nd i cannot afford a sitter at 14 pounds per hour.

Social services are shyte.

I haven't head from my friend this week much and i feel she is giving me the cold shoulder, i feel so hurt and unwanted. She text me and said she is unwell just now, but i feel there is more to it as she was at the cinema last night and out every night this week. She isn't telling me the truth my gut instinct tells me
I;m worried..

OP posts:
HoldenMcGroin · 16/10/2014 21:41

Oh mate life can be bloody hard work sometimes

cheapskatemum · 16/10/2014 21:46

(((hugs))) Brew Cake. How old is your DS?

SoleSource · 16/10/2014 21:47

Yes, it can :( thank you x

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SoleSource · 16/10/2014 21:51

16 in 7 days

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cheapskatemum · 16/10/2014 21:55

Your comment about Social Services - does this mean you get no respite (short breaks) from your family carer role? I'm only asking because I know from first hand experience how exhausting and depressing it can be to care for a DS who cannot reciprocate your love.

SoleSource · 16/10/2014 22:11

I get two nights per month :( Sick of asking. GP is writing to the SS soon. Just got to drop in the address tomorrow to GP so she can ask for more resite for him.

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cheapskatemum · 16/10/2014 22:23

Is there a Family Carers' Support Group near you? My local one has a helpline you can phone. I find that friends who don't have DC with SN can't understand how stressful it is. That's not their fault, I would never have guessed, before I had to do it! So it might be that your friend finds it quite a responsibility that she is your main source of support.

I agree that you need more respite, I hope the GP's intervention is successful. When it's just 2 nights a month you just spend the time sleeping and catching up with chores. What you need is some prime me time.

SoleSource · 16/10/2014 22:57

she has 2 disabled kids and i am her support, always drama, i really do have pride and wouldn't outstay my welcome with anybody, she just a user and dysfunctional

i find her life and problems stressful

i need a friend who i see occasionally and have not much drama - no mothers who steal from debenhams, for example

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cheapskatemum · 16/10/2014 23:03

I agree! How come she can get out to the cinema with 2 disabled DCs? That's why I thought maybe she was childless!

TheRealJoanWarburton · 16/10/2014 23:13

sending good wishes as i have nothing else to offer.

WildBillfemale · 17/10/2014 06:54

Look up skill bank schemes in your local area (or start one with the council!)

You may be able to swap skills you have (gardening, ironing, dog walking etc) for baby sitting.

No money involved - it's purely time/skills traded and it's equal hour for hour irrespective on the skill.

differentnameforthis · 17/10/2014 07:15

How does one ever get over the feeling of being unwanted by their Mother?

You don't. You learn to deal with it the best you can.

I wasn't wanted. My dad persuaded her to continue her pregnancy saying she would love me when born etc. She didn't.

We haven't spoken for over 20 yrs. That's pretty much how I deal with it, I guess....

SoleSource · 17/10/2014 12:04

She has her so called controlling ex staying with her but he lives and works in Scotland. He tries to control her and is emotionally abusive. She has no interest in hi whatsoever apparently but he decides when he is staying with her and when he leaves. No wonder her Son is mixed up. That is how she gets to go out. All good, don't have any negative emotion about that, the price she pays for her nights of freedom is far too heavy imo.

I feel she tries to control me, one phonecall/request and i jump to her attention, today i told her i won;t be going round to hers as her ex is there and he gets very jealous of her friendships. he slags me off (i do not know him at all) and she tells me.

She slags all her fiends off to me so i know she must do that about me. I feel she has slagged me off this eek as she has kinda kept away from me probably through guilt!!

I just want a friend i can hang around with a couple of times during the week and not feel guilty or disiked by their partner or their jealousies.

Why is it so difficult to find friends for me?

I'm not perfect but i am a good caring person.

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SoleSource · 17/10/2014 12:08

different i haven't spoken to my mother since 2005 nor my father or sister

I miss having a Mother :( if she dies i will be devestated as i still hope for reconciliation like an idiot afer that father of mine dies but i know that won't happen i guess.

My Fthers nasty words have haunted me from my earliest memories. I had therapy and it has eased slightly. I fel so hated, alone, despairing and unwanted.

I would love to change this negative inner voice i have too

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 17/10/2014 12:33

I get the negative voice & how it haunts.

"you are good for nothing, you will amount to nothing, no one will love you, he (my then bf as I was moving in with him) only wants your money, he'll kick you out as soon as he gets it (we have been married 20yrs) you are worthless"

I get it. When my bf thought he was going back to his home country to live after a yr together, I was devastated. He was my first real boyfriend & the first & only person I had/have slept with. I went to her looking for comfort, I got told 'my bf killed himself when I was 18". Just what a heartbroken 17yr old want to hear!

I always tell myself now, that to someone, I am of infinite worth! To someone I am their world. That her seeming hatred of my was HER problem, not mine.

I don't miss her. I miss having a mum.
I won't grieve for her when she dies. I did that years ago. I grieved so hard for her so many times in my life. And some of those times were times I still lived with her & cared about her & fought so god-damned hard for her approval.

I refuse to give her too much time or space in my head.

Flowers
SoleSource · 17/10/2014 12:52

I;m so lonely and very sensitive to others moods, i find life very difficult. I need to use my sensitive side for good - i feel i am creative and it needs using. I need a life but people always end up thinking i am mad or not worth respect, of course my father must have been right. He didn't even know me and i cringed inside everytime i was in his presence. Such a cold, nasty, spiteful, absive cunt.

How long were you haunted for different?
How can you attract a man who wants you after you were shown no love?

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differentnameforthis · 19/10/2014 07:21

How long were you haunted for different? I don't think it ever leaves.

I have wonderful friends, a wonderful dh, wonderful kids show boost me no end.

But I booked a restaurant for my birthday, with 7 girlfriends. 5 good friends, 2 just trying to get off the ground. 2 "new friendships" cancelled, 2 good friends cancelled, 2 turned up, other as quite late as she forgot. Now I KNOW she has huge things going on. So I was more concerned then anything...

And I KNOW again that none of these guys would have pulled out for lame reasons, but her words (my mothers) ring in my head 'you are not likeable, you are not lovable, no one wants to be your friends, they want what they can get from you' So I start to think that they are not, in fact my friends at all. Sad

I found dh when I was 15. He was a massive (I see now) 6yrs older than me. No one cared. I now think I latched onto him because I wanted an older figure in my life. He was lovely, very gentlemanly & didn't once cross the line, until I was ready. But dh & I were talking about what we would do if dd1 came home at 15 with a 21 yr old boyfriend. Neither of us would be happy.

But it all goes to point to how let down I was, the three main adults in my life (mum, stepdad, dad) could not see this was wrong. And they happily let me share a bed with him etc.

I don't regret anything, because we have been married for 20yrs. But had my childhood been different, I may not have married the first guy who told me he loved me, just because he meant it, if that makes sense? I didn't give myself a chance to live because I held on to the first person who came along because I was always told I was unlovable, so assumed no one else could love me.

And I still test him Sad to this day.

differentnameforthis · 19/10/2014 07:22

wonderful kids who boost me no end

SoleSource · 19/10/2014 20:27

A friend has hurt me that way last week, hot searing pain i felt. I feel i am silly but i just cannot giver her a chance to do that again to me, feel so unwanted. I dumped her, she won;t know and why as that has happened to me countless times. I feel i am misunderstood and used. Even my cat hates me now and my Son sends most of his time away from me.

I need a life but why bother when relationships with others just end up the same way. wish i was just dead, what;s the point of all this life

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Drumdrum60 · 19/10/2014 22:02

Your cat does not hate you . You are being funny a few posts ago. I like you ! Let's share a doughnut !

SoleSource · 20/10/2014 03:03

I THINK IT IS MY PCOS mood swings

i ate 10 doughnuts last week, what the hell i;ll have another

I feel fine tonight, but i have had a major cull of negative internet friends, boring bastards they were

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outofcontrol2014 · 20/10/2014 12:29
Flowers

You're doing a great job in a very difficult situation.

I don't have the experience to offer you advice on most of it. I can, however, sympathize with how much it hurts to be in that position with a mother who just doesn't do anything supportive. My Mum never comes to visit me - and by that I mean that in the last 20 years, I can count on one hand the number of times she has travelled to my house. She always cites needing to look after my sister, grandmother or even her cats as an excuse for not coming. None of the above have any problems that would require attention over a weekend away.

She simply doesn't like to travel the three hours' car ride between us, and I am not important enough to be an inducement to get her to do it. Yet she is there 100% for my sister, who lives at home.

Of course you are left from that with the idea that you are not loveable. It runs very deep. But you have to actively counter that by telling yourself, constantly, that it's shit, bad parenting, but not something that is wrong with you. I definitely think counselling helps, because it really externalises those feelings and makes you look at them and cry them out in a safe place.

SoleSource · 20/10/2014 12:33

outof thannk you very much - it is shit parenting, some people just cannot love their children - thank god i didn't feel the same way - ironic i have an almost 16 year old son bound to live with me forever due to being severly disabled and she couldn't stand me near her and is loyal to her fucking husband and hs abandoned her child

i hope she rots in hell

OP posts:
outofcontrol2014 · 20/10/2014 13:12

Sole - I just wanted to say that you might find the 'stately homes' thread on this forum very helpful. Lots of people in there have awful experiences with narcissistic or dysfunctional parents and you will get a lot of support.

You sound like a wonderful mother and a wonderful person.

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