Can I have a little support

[CaptainSinker]

I think I am going to break up with my partner. Things have been up and down for a long time and I feel quite unloved. Am beginning to think I'll be happier alone.

We have a dd who is 3, I am worried for her. I also feel scared for the future!

Also sad for my partner. I believe that he is depressed but he doesn't agree and seems to feel all our troubles are down to me. I've been trying so, so hard to change and accommodate but I don't think he can/will? Meet me anywhere near the middle

Need a hand or two. I have a supportive family but they are mainly on holiday. Am staying with my brother tonight but he has to go away tomorrow too.

Bump

You sound like a very very caring and thoughtful person. And it sounds like you are doing all the work to save the relationship and taking all the blame when it doesn't work out.

There is only so long you can carry the burden by yourself.

Can you tell us more about what has been going on?

My partner seems very low and has in many ways withdrawan from the world. He hasn't worked for a long time though care for our daughter when she is not at nursery.

He is extremely focused on housework standards. I do all the cooking and laundry as well as work full time. He picks me up a lot on things I haven't done right. Sometimes this is justified but the way he does it is not, also just the lack of recognition of the load I carry. He was very verbally aggressive earlier and was annoyed when I expressed that I found this unacceptable.

He has made it clear that he feels the argument and other problems are my fault and does not acknowledge that he is low and that this has altered his attitude/behaviour. It think he thinks I am trying to score points. I'm not.

I am sad for all of us. I am at my brothers house. I am worried what the next few days will bring. I know we can't continue like this.

Sorry he's the SAHP but he's pulling you up on housework? Why isn't he doing it?

What are you expecting the arrangement to be in terms of where your dd will live? How much childcare is he doing?

Talk to your family.
Even if he is depressed, you can't do anything for him if he won't help himself. Try to sit him down and tell him this if you think he will listen.
Either way, trying to carry on like this will eventually leave its mark on you and your dd.

Well he isn't doing it because he isn't managing. I wouldn't mind supporting him but I resent getting pulled up on it.

I haven't got as far as thinking about childcare yet. He only has full responsibility for her a day a week now. I would expect her to stay with me mainly and think he would too. This is the area I'm most worried about. I would want to support their relationship but don't want less time with her or for her life to be disrupted. But of course they need time together.

I emailed him today re the depression but he clearly thought that I was point scoring or something.

You probably need to just press on with your own plans OP. Trying to get him on board with any sort of plans sounds like it will be futile (although he will use this against you, you can be sure). If he isn't prepared to get help or change then you have no choice but to soldier on and get a life for yourself and your DD and sort out his access to her later on. It will be like banging your head on a wall otherwise. it will be interesting after you have moved out and settled down to see if he picks up. If he doesn't (and I doubt he will) you will know it was never you all along.

So his depression takes the form of being unable to do housework but being more than capable of criticising what you do? I would stop diagnosing him (he disputes your diagnosis anyway) and deal with the behaviour in front of you.

Please consult a solicitor about the implications of him being the SAHP. Make sure you know where you stand.

I don't accept that because he is depressed this behaviour is OK. It is not, it is difficult to confront though and I miss the person he used to be.

Good advice re solicitor, thanks.