Help me deal with my EA STBXH

[DefinitelyMaybeLove]

We were together 12 years and I actually credit MNers with helping me see my abusive marriage for what it was. I left just over a year ago but I have struggled to deal with him effectively ever since. We have two young DC so have to be in contact for them.

He sees them twice a week for tea (an hour or so) and has them eow. Recently we have agreed that one of his midweek contacts will be overnight. The thing is, he calls me all the time to tell over what I feel is unnecessary minutiae. I wouldn't mind if he spoke to me reasonably but I find him quite aggressive.

I have also recently started dating so he's ramped up the aggression calling me names, complaining that I'll be spending his maintenance money on my new bf (not true), just generally being quite unkind.

He keeps badgering me to allow him to have the DC overnight on days where he's not meant to and I just feel really nervous that he's plotting something, possibly along the lines of making me lose custody of my DC. He already tells me that I'm a shit mother who doesn't care about her children. I think he genuinely believes this.

I'm not at that point yet with bf but I know he will make it difficult for them to meet and he's already stipulated that our DC will never live with another man. Having said this, my DC tell me that he's been telling them that I have a boyfriend and possibly that I'd rather see him than spend time with them. I worry about him poisoning their minds against me. He's just so angry and bitter and will stop at nothing to ensure I suffer despite telling me that he doesn't care that I'm in a new relationship.

I just feel so trapped by him and wish more than anything that he would just be reasonable. How can I effectively deal with him for the benefit of my DC? Anybody got any words of wisdom for me please?

No contact apart from email address or a cheap mobile that you use on days where he has the children. You only need to respond when it's genuine concern over the dc.

Other than that just don't engage. Ignore. Block.

And I think there might be a thing where if he has the dc a certain amount of the time your maintenance can be reduced to reflect that. Not sure thought someone here might know???

Agree with Quitelikely tell him you will have contact with him via text or email only from now on. If he verbally abuses you at the drop off/ pick up, film and record him. Don't retaliate as that is what he wants. Force him to stick to the current plan regarding his time with the DCs. Be rigid. He will eventually behave or go so ballistic it will be back to court and you will get your way one way or the other. Do not allow this current situation of go on though, as it is all about control. Involve the police if necessary but do not allow him to abuse you in any way. He may be up to something but thwart him at every turn. He sounds like a charm free dick.

Establish a fixed routine with firm rules. Stick to it rigidly. Cut all unnecessary contact.

Do not be guilt tripped, intimidated or charmed into bending the rules. Ever.

Grow balls of steel when dealing with him, yep minimum contact and stick to the agreed contact rigidly.

Thank you for the advice all. I can't describe it very well but I get a kind of mental block when I think about him and can't remember what he's done properly. I just feel so tired and foggy, like I'm mentally shutting down so find it difficult to recall what he's been doing.

It's all kicked off tonight. My bf made my DC a small token gift (I told them he's my friend etc. - he won't be meeting them for a long while yet). My dd told her dad about this and he's now making thinly veiled threats against my bf saying we need to 'talk about some things'. My dd said that he'd shouted at her for accepting the gift and she's to tell him if it happens again. She's really upset.

He is never going to let me move on. It was possibly the wrong thing to do but I told m bf this in an attempt to be honest and for his support. He's upset at the names my ex has called him but has been really good about it. However, I just want to break things off with him now. He's the most amazing guy and I have very strong feelings for him but I don't want him to be dragged into this. I feel like he'll leave eventually anyway because who in their right mind would volunteer themselves for this crap? Just feel like giving up and conceding that he will always have control over me .

Well all the more reason not to give in to him.

Have you had any support or counselling in standing up to him? Have you done the Freedom Programme?

"We need to talk" should be answered with "no, I don't think we do, goodbye".

When does your ex get he chance to say to you that you need to talk? Does he call? Email? Is it at drop-off?

Don't let your ex win hon. Your new man could be a huge source of support.

Can someone else do handovers so he doesn't have the chance to engage?

I would agree with no contact with him more than is strictly necessary - and if he continues to harass you then police. And if he continues with speaking to your daughter like that I would look at reducing his contact with his children.