i dont want to go home tonight

[fromparistoberlin73]

had a horrible row with DP
told him I think we need to split up
It went REALLY badly- he has made it clear he wont make it easy for me, and will be obstructive and fuck our kids up in the process

now what? I actually dont even want to see him right now- not at all- I am in bed every night by 930pm as this whole issue is draining me so much

but my babies are home

I ACTUALLY WISH HE WAS DEAD

there- said it- how awful

Think a very high proportion of us have felt like that, and yes, meant it. I can't give you any advice, sadly, but sending you the best.

Is there anywhere else you could go? Could you, for example, pick the DC up and go to a friend/parent?

noone can advise me, I just wanted to share thats all. I dont think my friends and family have ANY FUCKING IDEA of what I go through, and thats OK but needed to scream

and if people felt the same, really sorry for them and releived its not just me x

Hey.
I'm here if you want to talk. yes you don't want to see him but you do want to see your babies.
He is trying to put you under his spell of you thinking you can't split up. newsflash. yes you can.
Is your accommodation in joint names ?
I'm a bit of an expert of dealing with a controlling arse, but I'm winning.

Learn from my mistake. Briefly tell people close to you. Hiding it is no good, for you or the situation.
I promise you can get through this, and you, Caz.

its in my name, and I am the only breadwinner. Thats why is so fucking nasty TBH he is the EA version of a wounded lion. my main worry is I have some surgery coming up, and I need it, and for him to care for the kids. but I said to myself if we have another shit xmas- I WILL FUCKING DIE

ca1010 did yours say "I will ask kids which parent they want"? he says shit like that and that I am fucking RUINING his life.

i actually feel guilt- incredible

I think there must be a script, most men when their wives want to separate, say they will fight for residency of the kids.
Point is: kids will be less screwed up if mum has her own place and is not scared/worried about going home.
Is he a SAHD or work at home dad? These would be the situations where residency could possibly be contested.
As PP said, how entwined are your finances and assets?

Xpost. How old are dc?

I'm sorry to hear this OP.

Divorce is never easy, but there's a limit to the extent he can actually obstruct it. He may just be threatening you to scare you off going through with it.

Mine said that as well. Its all bluster. He called me a 'fucking nutter' - I'd had a very serious injury and we discovered most painkillers had me off my tits. Hardly my fault.
My only regret was not doing anything a couple of years sooner. Have your op, make your plans slowly, knowing you're doing that will help you to keep it together. If it buys you that time then what's one last Christmas compared to what comes after.

SAHD but we are not married and assets not entwined

until he finds his feet and work (youngest is not at school yet) I want to rent room nearby and either I am there- or he is there.

I wont fuck him over, and I wont kick my childrens carer onto the street

he says its all "conveinent for me"
he seems to think that his childcare during the week is "work", and mine at weekend is "play"!!! HOW

OH, MY FAVOURITE: and "when the kids are older I will tell them what you did- they will hate you"

IS THAT ON THE FUCKING SCRIPT TOO!!!!!!

I'm sorry. Now that it's out in the open, you should probably go through with it and get it over with. If you delay because of his threats it will just prolong the agony for everyone.

How long will your recovery time be? What are your other options? I mean, let's say he was hit by a bus youshouldbesolucky what would you do?

thanks, this place is a godsend

First things first - have you got a patio and a good spade?

x-post

do not move out and get a room until you talk to a solicitor. if he's SAHD he could get the house and be the main carer, there's no guarantee you will get 50/50 access if he's prepared to be nasty.

i was actually hoping he would throw himself under a train today- I mean how fucked up is that? frankly if bus happended I would not to able to have the surgery as I will be poorly for a good 2 weeks so I think I need to see a family lawyer and bide my time.

did people get depressed being in these horrible relationships? I am just about keeping my head above water but ....its hard

It never came to the point of us asking the children the question directly. Kids are not stupid. They will sence/ know how different you are when he is around.

If the house is solely in your name you can have him removed. I'm no legal expert but give local womens aid a call and they will talk you through.
You are being abused. It's awful to accept it but if he is using words and actions like this to make you feel the way you do, he is abusing you.

Once I accepted this it sort of got my mad up and I came back fighting. not physically but all guns blazing to get my control back. control over me and how I was prepared for him to make me feel the way he was.

my story is far from over.

Some one on here once posted "everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end"

A wise friend who had been through two horrible breakups told me that the first few months of a split were a time of irrational madness where people are reeling with shock, fury, grief, panic, humiliation. She was right. Just grit your teeth, don't engage, don't commit to anything daft just to get out, and keep your eyes on the prize. You will get there and it will be good.

We never asked the kids - he never intended to have them, just to fuck me around and/or hold off the inevitable.
Your op is why I said bide your time and use it to plan, otherwise, as I said upthread, I'd say don't prolong it like we did. It gets worse. Knowing what you're doing though will help you cope.

I am doing bath time, so will come back later.

Initial thoughts, you need possibly to play a slightly longer game than you want to get your ducks in a row, so to speak (take legal advice, speak to Women's Aid, note all the threats he makes).

The other option is can you find or afford alternative childcare?

I repeat what a PP said, do NOT move out. He may end up staying in the house, and you will end up paying maintenance too. This happened to a friend of mine whose husband was a SAHD, she moved out for three months but ended up going back because of the probable consequences.

What are his chances of getting a job? You could suggest to him that it might help your relationship if he did and you got paid childcare? This would be a longer game, but would give you more chance of getting out with your house and financial assets in tact. Sounds he is using your earning power as a stick to beat you with, so maybe you could use that as a strategy?

Who's name is on the tenancy?

Can you afford childcare? Nursery/childminder.

Have a look on the tax credit calculator it will tell you how much support you will get towards the fees

And also keep any evidence you get of his threats such as texts etc