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Original poster

How does dating even work anymore!

28 replies

SublimeCorpse · 16/10/2014 14:05

After spending 12 years in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere (I know, I know) I've decided to start dating.

Joined POF, spoke to some tossers but found a guy I thought was attractive and who wanted the same things as me.

So we message on there, swap numbers, whatsapp and decide to meet.

Met for an afternoon drink, he seemed lovely, just my type. Peck on the cheek as I was leaving, all good.

Messaged me pretty soon after leaving and said he wanted to see me again. I wanted to see him, so we met the following day too.

Drinks again, all good. Went out for a ciggie, he kissed me - that was fine by me, fancy the pants off him etc.

Messages get very sexual. I played along, enjoyed the flirting.

Now were meant to be meeting tonight. He wants to go somewhere quiet.

To be honest, having not dated for 12 years I'm unsure of etiquette. How do I know he's not just after a leg over? He says he's not, his profile says he's not.

Why is life so difficult?!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/10/2014 14:10

It's not all that difficult. You've exchanged sexy texts... he's talking about 'somewhere quiet'.. sex is implied. If that's what you want, you're all on the same page. If you're after more than just a leg-over then tell him.

Original poster
SublimeCorpse · 16/10/2014 14:11

But sex on the 3rd date?

I feel like a trollop

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/10/2014 14:15

So don't do it. :) The only 'rule' is that you are 100% happy at all times. You personally.... not other people, not 'what is expected', not what it says in Cosmopolitan etc. If you don't like any aspect of what's happening then you stop it there and move on to the next one.

seasavage · 16/10/2014 14:18

The general impression I've got from friends using dating sites is POF is for casual encounters, so I'm sceptical he's looking for a relationship. Of course, he might be. You need to maybe meet for dinner (something more than drinks) and talk, just generally.

WestEast · 16/10/2014 14:25

If you don't want to have sex with him, don't have sex with him. Your fanny, your rules.

I met my DP on POF, slept together in the 2nd date and we've been together a year now.

Original poster
SublimeCorpse · 16/10/2014 14:29

Now I'd actually really like to have sex with him. But I know that if I do and he ends up not wanting to see me again I'll be really upset.

He knows this. His answer was that he really likes me, he wants a relationship and everything that goes with it, and he'll still want to see me again regardless of whether we have sex or not.

I have trust issues. I'd like to believe him, I want to believe him, but there's a little voice saying "what if" in my head.

But that's little voice is there regardless of the type of decision being made.

OP posts:
Original poster
SublimeCorpse · 16/10/2014 14:30

Thanks for that WestEast Grin

OP posts:
knittingdad · 16/10/2014 14:32

When my DW and I first started dating I asked for sex before she was ready, and she said no. Since I wasn't only interested in sex this didn't put me off and our relationship developed to our mutual satisfaction.

It's easy to see how this could have gone wrong if she'd said yes when she wasn't ready, or if I wasn't the sort of person she was looking for who was only interested in sex.

So it's not that complicated.

If you both want to have sex, then have fun!

If one of you doesn't want to yet, and the other one isn't having fun without it, then at least you know at this early stage that you have a fundamental incompatibility and that's just how it is - you're not going to be compatible with everyone you fancy.

If, on the other hand, he is willing to enjoy spending time with you for other non-sex reasons, until you're comfortable with it later on, then that will work out just brilliantly too.

You can't get what you want unless you ask for it, and make clear that other people know what you want. In a relationship that means accepting that the other person isn't a mind-reader, and so might sometimes ask for something you don't want.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/10/2014 14:34

"But I know that if I do and he ends up not wanting to see me again I'll be really upset."

And if he's a monumentally crap shag and you don't want to see him again....? Hmm Dating is a trial and error thing. That's the fun of it. Just because you say 'I want a relationship' and you sleep with someone, it doesn't mean there's any obligation.

WestEast · 16/10/2014 14:40

Maybe go on a few more dates then, find out if he is the type of chap you want a relationship with. If he's just after sex it's unlikely that's he'll want to wait around too long.

worldgonecrazy · 16/10/2014 14:42

If he is the type of man who shags a woman just to get the conquest and then doesn't contact her again, he will do that regardless of whether you "put out" on the first date or the 20th.

It's your body, your rules. I have shagged all my LTR on the first date, including the two that I ended up marrying. But you are obviously not comfortable with that scenario, so don't feel that you have to just because you are worried everyone else is doing it.

Have fun, try and relax and if he does end up being a monumental wanker at least you've found out early on.

MirandaWest · 16/10/2014 16:38

My bf and I had sex on our third date. We're still together 2.5 years later Smile

If you want to have sex, then have sex. If you don't want to have sex then don't have sex. And remember its just as much about what you want as what he wants.

We were both on POF but actually met through ok Cupid.

comfortablynumb33 · 16/10/2014 20:08

Having sex on a third date doesn't make you a trollop Smile I'd just do what feels right. I have had sex on a third date before and that relationship lasted 5 years. I have also waited and it turned into a short term 'thing'. Everyone is different.

I had sex with the man I'm dating now on the 6th date and we are on date 12 this Saturday. We have had dates that did/didn't involve sex such as days out etc so its been really good and I'm enjoying getting to know him. Good luck and enjoy!

FinallyGotAnIPhone · 16/10/2014 22:24

Omg I can completely relate OP! I am in exact same boat! With my chap, i have just had the third date and I did have sex... And jolly good it was too!

The thing I found strange (pre sex) was that while we'd only been on two dates before this last one...we'd been whatsapping daily - often flirty/ suggestive texts - when actually up until date 3 we'd not even snogged!

before the 3rd date I did lots of analysing about whether it would be right to sleep with him as it was "only the third date" but in the end I did and it felt great and I have no regrets and we've been in touch daily since. Good luck O
P have some fun if it feels right!!

Cabrinha · 16/10/2014 22:30

I had sex with my boyfriend before we then decided to see each other again (he was doing some work for me) - so pre date one. I am not a trollop.
I know you said you feel like one, rather than saying people that do are trollops... So I don't want to jump on you! But please - do have a think about it. That's an ugly thing to say about people who simply choose to have sex.
FWIW, I only waited once - ended up married.
Worst relationship of my life.
Just do what is right for YOU.
I'd he likes you, it won't put him off.
But if he's only in it for sex, it won't but him off either, for a while at least.
So just suit YOU.

Daters123 · 16/10/2014 22:42

I'm going to say something slightly different to everyone else here. I has wax with a bloke on the third date, he was really lovely and gave me the whole spiel about wanting a relationship. But guess what - he didn't and he's not bothered to get in contact since our 4th date, when I suggested that next time we do something other than just shag. I just wasn't ready to be rejected - finding it really hard to just shrug it off. If you think you'll be really upset if that's all he's after, I'd suggest giving it a little more time and seeing how he acts - sows he want to spend time with you or just have sex?

I hope it works out for you - it's been really crap to feel rejected and I've been surprised by how down it's got me.

Daters123 · 16/10/2014 22:43

Obviously has wax is code for had sex!

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 16/10/2014 23:05

I am a bit in the middle on this one.

I met dp on POF, date one went on into the small hours, lots of snogging and a BJ. Date 2 had sex, met for lunch the day after, all in a whirlwind of passion.

The next night he put the brakes on, freaked out by 'how strongly he felt' (for which read the sweet shop of POF was closing it's doors if he got into a relationship!)

I was visibly upset, but said ok, if you want to back off I understand, it's moving a bit fast. Luckily he's a soppy sod, realised he was being a dick and says that was when he fell I love with me, we've been inseparable for 2 years now. However, if he hadn't been swayed by my wobbly bottom lip and had left to carry on with his 'thrill of the chase' shit I would have really regretted getting so physical so quickly.

On the other hand, I'm sure my willingness and expertise in that department played a big part in his decision to carry on with me rather than see if the grass was greener!

Swings and roundabouts. I did tell him that I wasn't playing games, I wouldn't play hard to get, if I wanted to call him I would call him and I expected him to be up front with me too. I can't be doing with all these rules about when to 'give in' or who should call whom. If you like each other and you're well matched he'd be an idiot to walk away before or after sex. If you don't want to date an idiot you'll be well rid. Hopefully you'll get some good loving out of it either way.

Chaseface · 17/10/2014 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SublimeCorpse · 17/10/2014 09:13

Thanks for all the adviceSmile

I saw him, we had sex, it wasn't great. He said afterwards not to worry and that he still wanted to see me again soon. He messaged me later last night to tell me he likes me.

This morning, nothing. No message though his whatsapp status says he's been online this morning.

Do I message him? Do I tell him thanks but no thanks before he says it to me?

Aarrggghh!

OP posts:
JustALittleBitLost · 17/10/2014 09:18

Do you want to see him again?

If he messaged you last night, I wouldn't necessarily be that worried that he didn't message you this morning.

Original poster
SublimeCorpse · 17/10/2014 09:21

I do want to see him again yes.

He usually messages me first thing, today is the first day he hasn't.

Should I message him? Or would that seem grabby? What should I say?

OP posts:
JustALittleBitLost · 17/10/2014 09:23

Did you message him back last night? If so, I'd probably leave the ball in his court.

Maybe he is feeling a little insecure after the not-great sex?

Original poster
SublimeCorpse · 17/10/2014 09:34

I did message him back last night yeah.

I think the sex was ok for him - it wasn't great for me though.

So I'm not going to message him. I'll wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 17/10/2014 10:06

Good decision. No big loss if he doesn't get back in touch. First time sex can be crap but if it's sill crap after a few goes I would bin anyway.