Can anyone help diagnose my H please?

[Rissolesfortea]

He has always been obsessed with work, has no friends, hobbies or interests, he works from home so hasn't even got any interaction with work colleagues. He has no interest in sex either.

Recently I have noticed that when I say something to him he doesn't seem to take any notice, eg. I told him that my DD would like to come with us on a visit, a few minutes later he asked me if she would like to come with us, I ask him to get something from the shop he always forgets something.

He is very secretive concerning money matters, hides his bank statements etc, takes out credit cards without telling me then spends over the limit and defaults. The last straw was when we sold our house and after finally having an offer accepted on a new one discovered that we couldn't get a mortgage due to past arrears that I knew nothing about.

I know nothing about mental issues but I'm starting to think that he may be suffering with something similar. Have any of you any ideas what could be wrong? TIA.

Some of that fits ASD. My father has it.

The triad of impairments for ASD are problems with socialising, language or communication issues and lack of flexibility of thought.

That manifests in all sorts of diferrent ways though and ASD is a spectrum where each case is diferrent.

For example one person with ASD might show social problems by preferring largely being alone and not socialising where another might love socialising but sometimes find it a little tricky to say the right thing/

One person with ASD might exhibit language or communication issues that means they take absolutely everything you say literally "it's raining cats and dogs" whereas another might just perhaps speak a bit more formally than most.

One person with ASD might show lack of flexibility by getting extremely angry and frustrated if their lunch is served 30 minutes later than normal whereas another might just get hyper interested in whatever they are working on.

All that it complete guesswork and no one can diagnose based on what you've said. I'm only pointing out some familiarity in some of that with my experience of ASD.

I wouldn't assume any mental health problem. You're describing someone who is insular, absent-minded, introverted, selfish, secretive, deceptive and shows no affection. You don't have to be mentally ill to have any or all of those character traits.

What do you get out of the relationship? A more interesting question than why someone behaves badly quite often, is why anyone else would tolerate it.

Lynne some of what you say would fit, he does love to socialise/be with others but he will just sit and say nothing, make no attempt to join in conversations and only answer when spoken to directly.

Cogito I think you hit the nail on the head!

Yes, Cogito might well be right!

Although I did think my Dad was just a really odd/ rude person for a lot of years.

All I get is financial security I guess, I sometimes think I would be better off on my own but I am retired with just a small pension and couldn't afford to live alone.

It sounds like he's already lost you your home. How much worse off could you be?

He doesn't sound as though he has a disability or MH problem to me, although we can't diagnose over the internet. He sounds as though he's a cold, unpleasant man who couldn't give a shit about anyone other than himself.

Have to seen a solicitor OP? It might be worth finding out what would happen if you did divorce.

Correction... You've sold your home but can't get a mortgage on a new one. That means there is a pot of cash somewhere that is 50% yours. Any credit card and other debts he has in his own name are his responsibility. If you don't see the bank statements are you sure that he's not using the proceeds from the house to pay off his personal debts?

No, we still have the house, just a very disappointed buyer, and unable to buy the one we wanted so I am ok in that respect.

I do care about him and wouldn't really want to divorce, I just wish I knew what was wrong and how I could help.

Thank you all for your replies .

I don't know that there is anything wrong OP, he's a dull friendless workaholic who's crap with money.

How old is he?

I would start by saying you want full financial disclosure from him or you don't see a way to continue. You might not want a divorce but do you want to live the next 'how many years' thinking what next?

You could give us loads more information and I oculd say no more than what Cogito said. It's impossible to make a diagnosis over the Internet, without the relevant qualifications to do so.

He has his priorities and you don't feature highly in them. He's also monumentally crap with money and doesn't seem to think it's important that you have any say.

Cut your losses and claim your half of the proceeds of the house to set yourself up with, elsewhere, before he spends all that, too. Unless he acknowledges that he has a problem, you can't help him. Even if he did, you are not the one who can help him.

Thank you all, some very good observations and advice here.

Twinklestein you have summed him up exactly, I'm sure you must know us .

I am going to do what wanna has suggested, time for a serious talk and if he is unwilling then I will reconsider my options.

Limited interests and obsessions with one or two things could be low level asbergers/autism.

"He has always been..." so he has always been like this - why do you think he would suddenly change?

it's how he is right?
you cannot change him, only your own behaviour.