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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How long should I wait - should I wait at all?

19 replies

maybeanotherday · 16/10/2014 11:05

This is my first time posting here, so I am not sure if this is the right place to get advice on this as I'm not married but I've seen lots of other amazingly helpful comments so I hope so... I have been with my boyfriend for just under a year, and while I love him he can't say it back, and isn't able to really commit - he cares deeply for me but isn't sure I'm 'the one' for him. I'm in my late 30s and he's early 40s and we both want children, so people keep telling me I need to leave him if he won't make his mind up. I don't know if I should call it a day now or if I should give him more time? He doesn't want to end things but also doesn't want to be unfair to me, so we have reached a point of nearly separating a few times only then to spend hours talking and coming back together again. I don't know what to do - I really do love him and at this age it's very hard to find that with someone as good and kind as him, so if I leave him I would probably try to have children on my own instead, which feels pretty scary too.

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 16/10/2014 11:10

I think that irrespective of the question of children, if you've been in a relationship for a year and he won't tell you he loves you or commit to you, its time to get out as it won't get any better.

ImperialBlether · 16/10/2014 11:16

You're right - he is a decent guy and he's telling you bluntly that he doesn't know whether you're the one for him. A less decent man might tell you he loves you and leave it a few years then dump you when you're at a point when you can't have children.

Listen to what he is saying.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2014 11:18

Its not working is it and all this talking you've done has not worked either. If this is what its been like and it has not even been a year then you need to part the ways.

This man you're with sounds like he enjoys you looking after him (this is probably why he does not want to end things) but that's about it. He is patently not the one for you and being with this man stops you meeting someone else.

You are in your late 30s so there is plenty of life left in you yet!.

I was wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up as there may be some stuff that actually needs to be unlearnt.

Do you really love this man or are you really just trying to make yourself believe that you do?. Is this really an unhealthy co-dependency?.
Settling for crumbs here is not the answer particularly if you do want to become a mother yourself.

Twinklestein · 16/10/2014 11:27

It doesn't really matter if you love him, if he doesn't love you then the relationship has no future.

I don't believe in 'the one', everybody has choices, but after a year he knows whether he's into you or not and he's not that into you.

My mum always said, don't spend more than a year with a man who wouldn't marry you. At your age, it's even more important that you don't waste time.

Personally I would cut your losses and move on asap.

Annarose2014 · 16/10/2014 11:28

Better children on your own and feel total absolute love coming from them, than stay with a man who you'll never feel total absolute love from.

Annarose2014 · 16/10/2014 11:29

Also, there'll always be men in the world....the male population isn't going anywhere. But your time for children is short.

Fudgeface123 · 16/10/2014 11:30

Leave

AMumInScotland · 16/10/2014 11:44

A year in, if he can't make a reasonable level of committment, then it's just not going to happen. He is ok about drifting on that way, but that's not really a good position for starting a family.

Having children puts a strain on relationships, even when the committment is there. When it isn't, I don't see that going well.

So - I think this isn't the right relationship for you. That feels harder to accept when you hear the ticking, but it's not a good reason to settle for something that just isn't happening.

Stubbed · 16/10/2014 11:47

I think you need to call it a day

Original poster

maybeanotherday · 16/10/2014 11:51

Thanks everyone. He sometimes thinks we could work long-term and talks about the future, but then when we're apart again (we live in different cities) he has doubts again (he's like this about other things too). We had a blissful few early months when we talked about having a family and living together, then I guess the doubts set in. He's got a history of spending years with someone then feeling it wasn't right and leaving- so he is trying not to do that this time by being honest with me but it's the same pattern. Part of the problem at this age is that it feels like all the decisions have to be really fast - I have lots of friends whose relationships developed really slowly in their early 30s and are now very happy - but we hadn't even been together 6 months when it felt like the pressure started. I am not sure any relationship at this point in my life has a chance, but maybe better to have children first and then worry later about that.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 16/10/2014 11:55

He is doing exactly the same thing.. He's spending time with someone he doesn't think is right, and will leave eventually...

I don't think a year is a fast decision OP. I agree that there's more pressure at your age, but that can simply focus the mind: if he's not right now then he's not right full stop.

Original poster

maybeanotherday · 16/10/2014 11:57

It hasn't quite been a year yet btw- closer to 9 months - but I guess that's still long enough to know whether you love someone or not

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2014 12:02

He says all this to keep you within this as well.

"He's got a history of spending years with someone then feeling it wasn't right and leaving- so he is trying not to do that this time by being honest with me but it's the same pattern".

It is exactly the same pattern and is at heart a commitment phobic man. That's nothing to do with you and all to do with him. Its not your fault he is the way he is. Nothing about this is right and you should go your separate ways now.

If he is not right now he never will be. You are to him the "she will do for now" woman.

Twinklestein · 16/10/2014 12:04

Quite, you know you love him. He sounds terminally undecided about life. If you leave he may decide he loves you, so be wary of that...

Granville72 · 16/10/2014 15:17

I was in a brief (12 months) relationship with someone very similar. Wouldn't say 'I love you', 'don't think you're the one', 'not sure what I want', ''think we should split up'.

I tell you one thing for sure. It does a mind screw on you after a while and demoralizes you and your self belief.

He's made it quite clear, he has past history to this effect. Don't waste your time any further or thinking 'what if'.

There are plenty of men out there who would make you feel your worth, tell you that they love you and commit. Go find yourself one.

Original poster

maybeanotherday · 04/01/2015 22:31

I just thought I'd tell everyone that we did split up - about a month after this - it was him that did it in the end, as ironically I'd just started feeling comfier in the relationship and that made him feel he was doing the wrong thing (rather than previously when I'd been anxious and he was comfy). I've been feeling rubbish about it, blaming myself for having been needy and insecure, but just came back to reread this and it's helped. I do still think that my own issues came into it (I was anxious about one of his female friends, who seemed to me to want more than a normal friendship with him and he allowed a lot of space in his life, and every now and then got upset about really minor things that normally wouldn't bother me at all). But I can kind of see that his issues were bigger. And yes he did say, after we broke, up that he'd loved me in many ways (still couldn't quite give it all...!)- though is convinced he wants to move on (but doesn't want to break contact with me).

OP posts:

MaudWilsonsPoodle · 04/01/2015 22:42

Now its time for you to establish a new life that doesn't include him. Move on as he is doing. I can't see that keeping conatct will be helpful to you.

Keep busy; get involved in new things with new people. Go out and get the life you want.

elsabelle · 04/01/2015 22:44

Ah sorry it didnt work out maybean. I'd say his past history was a big red flag. As much as we hope people will change and we'll be the one to change them, it rarely happens. If they did it to their exes, chances are they'll do it to us.

And you were right to trust your instincts about the female friend. If it made you feel uneasy then theres probably a reason why.

Try and stay no contact for your own sanity i reckon. Its hard but it does help. Then you can crack on with meeting someone new :)

GingerbreadPudding · 04/01/2015 22:47

Please get away from him. He is with you, despite not being sure, because it's easier and convenient for him. I've been there, at your age, and by the time I'd met someone new we had a stressful two years and fertility testing etc for me to fall pregnant. I am so relieved and lucky that I didn't miss my chance of love and family but I very nearly did. Please give yourself a chance of real love.

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