Help needed - Husband being difficult over settling finances he has Mental Health issues

[Jat27]

I had been with my husband 34 years, last year he left suffering depression this has got much worse, he left his well paid job and has made all manner of reckless decisions the latest to clone our dogs and move in with a woman who is an alcoholic and is he is now self medicating with alcohol. I have done everything I can to help him, he has refused help from no less than 7 medical professionals so I have had no choice but to file for Divorce to protect our childrens and my financial future to ensure we are not compromised. The issue I have is if it was a normal break up I would be dealing with a normal person, my husband is irrational and both him and his solicitor are trying to push me into agreeing into his terms and conditions, basically it's his way or no way, does anyone have any advice to offer? Thanks in advance

Your husband may be irrational, but a professional solicitor shouldn't be. The difference between your situation and one with a reasonable STBX is probably going to be that you can't mediate and are going to have to get things decided by a court. So it'll be more expensive and probably take longer. Do you have your own solicitor? What are they saying/doing?

I was also going to ask whether you have your own solicitor acting on your behalf and what this person is doing as well.

Do you have your own solicitor? What are they advising? Which country are you in?
You may need to go to court to sort the finances, it used to be called "ancillary relief" but is now known as a "court order". (I'm assuming that you haven't yet reached this stage).

xposted with prior PPs !

"financial order" not a court order, sorry.

Thanks for the replies. I did have a solicitor she got fed up with him and the situation and told me it would cost too much and we would both end up penniless that's why I've tried to negotiate like an adult would. I'm in the UK My solicitor and I have both told his solicitor he has MH issues which he is not addressing. We have so far spent almost £400 each on solicitors mediation isn't possible he has anxiety attacks when he sees me, I blamed myself for this but the anxiety attacks started at his place of work.

Then it's a judgement call. You either take it to court, have your say, and end up penniless or you cave to his bullying and end up penniless. I know which I'd rather take.

That seems like unusual advice from the solicitor unless she believes that any court decision and costs wouldn't cover dividing the assets.

What joint assets are there? And how long were you actually married for?
I'm assuming neither of you have filled out the 'disclosure' forms?

My solicitors words were he is a lunatic. We have no equity left in the home, no savings, I have no job, I have nothing left. My husband is able to earn £500 per day! All we have left is the Pension, we had been married for 30 years together for 34. We did complete disclosure forms but since he left his well paid job he has set up as a business consultant and does not wish to disclose his current earnings or earnings since he started his business. I cannot believe this is the man I married, the illness has changed him beyond recognition everyone who knows him is shocked by his appearance and behaviour.

Sorry to ask, but if he was earning £500 a day that would work out to around £6,500 a month in take home pay (sorry maths is rubbish excuse me if I am wrong), so where did that money go over 30 years if you have no savings and no equity in your home? How are you currently paying the mortgage and what are you currently living off?

Do you have children? Ages?

Is he living officially with the other woman? Is she named as the reason for divorce? Did he leave you or did you ask him to leave?

Are you going for spousal maintenance?

Basically much of the money went on school fees, we moved house with his job, we have lost money in a housing crash years ago so had already started again. We moved to our current home thinking it was a lovely place we suddenly discovered everything needed replacing refurbing. We have had to reduce the price drastically to try and obtain a sale or we will face repossession, we have no choice. He has not always been on that sort of money only over the past year, to be fair he has worked very hard. Half of the money earned would go in tax so the net pay would be around £5,500 per month. We have also supported our son through UNI and daughter through music college. We had a small pot of money but most of that has gone on legal fees. He is paying the mortgage and bills, I am on unemployment benefit something I have never done before I am desperately looking for work but most of the jobs are for 18-24 year olds.
2 children, age 24 and 19 the youngest was 18 when he left he gave her nothing towards UNI.
We discovered he has been living with this woman for several months, have asked for her name to put on the Petition but he refuses to talk about her says it's nothing to do with me etc. I asked him if I needed to get checked out at a clinic his response was "you must do what you feel you have to do" the depression has changed him and he has become a complete monster everyone who knows him knows he needs psych help, our GP said yesterday that now alcohol is involved things will get much worse but nothing anyone can do.

I asked him to leave last September I had tried to get him to seek treatment but he refused sadly I had no choice but to ask him to leave as his behaviour was responsible for making our daughter ill, she has had counselling for the past 13 months and is still having counselling, her counsellor said she should email him and tell Dad how this situation is affecting her she said the response she got back was the lights are on but no one is home. I had radiotherapy for skin cancer at Easter our daughter had an operation he knew about both and never even asked if we were ok.

Slightly different perspective. Do you need money off him in order to live or are you self-sufficient with the unemployment benefit for the moment, even if it's a pinch? You say there is no equity in the house and no savings so, if you were to remain separated rather than divorced, you would be no worse off than you are now. Correct me if I'm reading this wrong.

Because it occurs to me that you might benefit from staying married for now. Without wishing to sound unduly ghoulish, he's already in bad health and the alcohol might finish him off sooner rather than later. You may clean up as a widow but struggle as a divorcee.

My thoughts too, Jat and Cogito ...

I agree with the previous posters to op to be honest, it sounds like your situation is stable for now even if he isn't. So maybe build on what time you have, re train still seek employment and prepare for the fact he is lost to you now.

It's a case of make hay while the sun shines, if he is still paying then make your plans for the just in case scenario, you cannot rely on equity in the house as you've said there is none, so you have a clear picture of where you stand now. It's hard to say but your on your own now so it's a dig deep and move forward with your life lovely

Ah thanks for you reply guys I really appreciate your kind words and support.

The thing is although my husband is very intelligent he lacks common sense and is unable to deal with or sort practicalities. I still have his birth certificate and all the life policies and he will not have thought of or considered doing another will.

I am living on benefits at the moment, it's very tight but I'm doing the best I can and still really hoping to get a job soon. I will be better off if I Divorce him, it's very sad and the very last thing I wanted to do as I know he is ill but I have had Doctors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists and the Crisis team involved but he will not accept any help from anyone and the reason behind the Divorce is to ensure myself and kids are provided for and not compromised financially. I already have my degree which is lucky the issue is there only seem to be jobs for younger people at the moment, I'm looking and willing to do anything to get back into work.

Jat, thanks for explaining a lot more about your financial situation. What your solicitor said does make complete sense given the full picture.
So sorry to read about what's happened.
I don't know what to advise you from here but wanted to wish you luck and all the best.

At least my solicitor was honest, she told me she had a duty of care and could not see us wasting monies neither of us have.

Sadly I am only one of many millions whose partners won't seek help or treatment I count myself very lucky there are those left pregnant and with very small children in these situations too.

Thanks for your kind wishes

Hi there, I'm so sorry this has happened. The Mental Health board is another place you could post, it sounds like kind wishes is the most we can offer - though if your H becomes a danger to himself or others, you as nearest relative (while married, and possibly for 6 months afterwards??) you could request he be assessed again. (This is my understanding, you'd need to check, or sounds like you know this already.)

What is the size of the pension you are fighting over? Are we talking 5k or 500k? Do you have a pension?

it is a large pension 500k. I have no pension but have always worked full time and contributed to the finances as well as bringing up the kids, sorting house moves etc, you name it. I have agreed to 50/50 which is normal and fair. I am trying to get him to take it out of the current scheme it is in so it will allow me to put a roof over our heads and the money will be more flexible and accessible but everything about this from day 1 is about what he wants and needs he has no interest or feelings about anyone other than himself. He fails to realise when the home is sold we that is our daughter and myself will effectively be homeless. I am almost 53 I had radiotherapy for cancer so plan to retire early I have no current employment despite looking and would not be able to buy another property without full access to my share of the pension.

We have had him assessed by the Mental Health Crisis team but sadly they are unable to do anything until he harms himself or others. I will take a look into how I stand in obtaining future assessments, thanks

Oh Jat I'm so sorry - what an awful awful situation. Clearly you have good legal help on your side so I trust 'em if you do. There's no way to certify him then, unless he does harm? Sorry, what a wicked thought ... like something folk write novels about ... *badbad tipsy

I meant that sincerely Jat ... the rules are as insanely out of balance as your H. It galls me ... it truly isn't fair on you

The Crisis team went and assessed him they know he's not right but sadly nothing they can do until he harms himself or others which by then may be too late, the MH Act is rubbish.

I as just so lucky, that our kids, his family, my family, his colleagues and our friends know it's nothing I have done and he's quite nuts, if people hadn't of believed me I think I would have gone nuts too!

Thanks for your support it's really appreciated x