It's an emotionally abusive relationship. That I keep going back to. Over and over again.
It's lasted eighteen months. In that time I've lost pretty much all my family. Most of my friends barr one. My house, my job. Nearly my life.
I don't even know what's happened to me.
Before meeting him I was holding down a part time job. Raising my four kids and private renting.
Whilst with him, I lost my home because he lead me to believe if I went down the council home route he would be able to move in and afford rent.
I had a breakdown, nearly killed myself taking drugs which I had never done before. Fell out with most my family. Lost my job due to the breakdown and the crippling anxiety that followed.
My head is a mess. Somehow when I was at my most vulnerable with the breakdown, I convinced myself that I needed him. That everything made sense when I was with him but I was scared of everything when I wasn't with him.
Over the months he has finished with me over and over. Randomly. Usually by drunken text. Ignored me for a couple of days whilst I begged him back then suddenly everything is fine again. If I say anything he doesn't like or thinks is anything derogatory to his ego he withdraws affection then suddenly sends me texts saying how he has to walk on egg shells around me.
He's even got me doubting myself. I lost most of my family. And friends. It's not hard to start thinking I must just be an utter twat of a person and he's the only one that puts up with me.
I don't even know what it is I do wrong. He had a go at me last week after I'd been to a funeral. Said I wasn't putting as much effort into the house as he was. We just got a new place and he is meant to be moving in. But I have stripped the lounge. The hall way, the kitchen. Sorted out all clothes and cupboards. Looked after four children on their October holidays. Cared for two cats both who are sick and need two types of medicine twice a day. And worked full time up until last week.
He messes with my head all the time. This morning he went to work in a strop because apparently he says I am making him feel bad about my sons and he walks on eggshells with me.
He tried to kill himself a month ago. After he randomly dumped me again and this time I told him to stay gone. Of course I went back to him after the suicide attempt. Blamed myself. Supported him best I could through his stay at a mental health hospital.
This is what I get all the time now. If I've said something he doesn't like I have hate for him and he has been unwell and needs to get better.
I need for us to be over for good. The longer I'm with him the more I feel I can't manage life without him. Which is absolutely ridiculous considering I have been bringing four kids up and working, managing a home etc.
I used to be so confident. Now I'm a confused, unhappy, wreck. Always going over the top to make him happy.
Most days I am tearful. I'm on antidepressants and have been since April. But half the time I look about thinking what's the point to any of this anyways. Breakdown thinking.
I just wanted to be happy. I loved cooking nice meals, washing clothes, keeping the house clean, making myself look good. For him and the kids. I wanted a family to care for and it felt like I had one.
Please help me stay away. My head is just a tangled mess.