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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need help. To not go back.

13 replies

Celestria · 16/10/2014 09:45

It's an emotionally abusive relationship. That I keep going back to. Over and over again.

It's lasted eighteen months. In that time I've lost pretty much all my family. Most of my friends barr one. My house, my job. Nearly my life.

I don't even know what's happened to me.

Before meeting him I was holding down a part time job. Raising my four kids and private renting.

Whilst with him, I lost my home because he lead me to believe if I went down the council home route he would be able to move in and afford rent.

I had a breakdown, nearly killed myself taking drugs which I had never done before. Fell out with most my family. Lost my job due to the breakdown and the crippling anxiety that followed.

My head is a mess. Somehow when I was at my most vulnerable with the breakdown, I convinced myself that I needed him. That everything made sense when I was with him but I was scared of everything when I wasn't with him.

Over the months he has finished with me over and over. Randomly. Usually by drunken text. Ignored me for a couple of days whilst I begged him back then suddenly everything is fine again. If I say anything he doesn't like or thinks is anything derogatory to his ego he withdraws affection then suddenly sends me texts saying how he has to walk on egg shells around me.

He's even got me doubting myself. I lost most of my family. And friends. It's not hard to start thinking I must just be an utter twat of a person and he's the only one that puts up with me.

I don't even know what it is I do wrong. He had a go at me last week after I'd been to a funeral. Said I wasn't putting as much effort into the house as he was. We just got a new place and he is meant to be moving in. But I have stripped the lounge. The hall way, the kitchen. Sorted out all clothes and cupboards. Looked after four children on their October holidays. Cared for two cats both who are sick and need two types of medicine twice a day. And worked full time up until last week.

He messes with my head all the time. This morning he went to work in a strop because apparently he says I am making him feel bad about my sons and he walks on eggshells with me.

He tried to kill himself a month ago. After he randomly dumped me again and this time I told him to stay gone. Of course I went back to him after the suicide attempt. Blamed myself. Supported him best I could through his stay at a mental health hospital.

This is what I get all the time now. If I've said something he doesn't like I have hate for him and he has been unwell and needs to get better.

I need for us to be over for good. The longer I'm with him the more I feel I can't manage life without him. Which is absolutely ridiculous considering I have been bringing four kids up and working, managing a home etc.

I used to be so confident. Now I'm a confused, unhappy, wreck. Always going over the top to make him happy.

Most days I am tearful. I'm on antidepressants and have been since April. But half the time I look about thinking what's the point to any of this anyways. Breakdown thinking.

I just wanted to be happy. I loved cooking nice meals, washing clothes, keeping the house clean, making myself look good. For him and the kids. I wanted a family to care for and it felt like I had one.

Please help me stay away. My head is just a tangled mess.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 16/10/2014 09:50

Holding hand...

stay away from him and you will get your life back...friends, probably family and your most precious kids...

stay with him and you will remain lonely, unhappy and on the brink of disaster.

think of him as an addiction. Stay away from him one hour/day/week at a time.

Find other things to do and block your phone/social media

He is bad for you. you know it and he will never change and fulfill your ideas of a happy family in a happy home.

You know all this.
stay strong and if you can;t stay strong stay bloody minded!

Celestria · 16/10/2014 10:17

He just came to take his stuff and didn't even say goodbye to my children.

OP posts:
cheerupandhaveaglassofwine · 16/10/2014 10:23

Dont worry, things will get better and you will get plenty of moral support on here, you dont need him and he was no good for you

Read back through your first post and imagine you are reading it as someone else rather than yourself, i bet your advice would be to get the hell out of there and never have him back.

Stay strong and focus on yourself and your children going forward, you have done the right thing

Figster · 16/10/2014 10:24

You poor thing ......If he's been back for his stuff let him go get your life back protect yourself and your children.

PedantMarina · 16/10/2014 10:41

Well, he's gone. Excellent!

Try to get some of your parents/friends back onside. Gather them round, go and cry your eyes out. But make it clear it's not because he left you. Go tell them that what's bothered you most is that you lost friends, family, yourself, and you want it back. Read them the original post if it helps.

And stop trying to figure out the abuser - it's never going to happen. It is brain space you can't afford, and he's waived any privilege he ever had in this respect. Spend time instead re-visiting the things you love to do the things that will remind you about how wonderful you are.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/10/2014 13:26

Agree with the PP that you should get back in touch with all the people alienated during the relationship. You need RL support and, given the chance, the people that loved you will be very relieved that you've shown him the door and probably willing to forgive. Everyone makes mistakes.

Celestria · 16/10/2014 13:49

I can't get in touch with them because it wasn't him I fell out with them over. Not directly. It was him that was in part responsible for my breakdown which lead to counselling which led me to cutting out most of my family due to child abuse issues.

My friends are different but they have heard it all before with us splitting and will probably just expect me to go back to him.

He's done a lot to me but I thought I could handle it. But the last few days I haven't liked him with my children. My daughter had to go to a&e last night for a badly infected earring that was stuck in her ear. He offered no support in getting her there. Just said to put her back to bed and we would go in the morning. I had to get the hospital to provide transport to have her seen.

I also left him in charge of the kids whilst I nipped to the shop. Got back and he was in a mood. Turns out my two younger kids had been ignoring him and not doing as he asked. But he was sulking like a child about it. I asked him what he did and he said he just ignored them in the end.

I spoke to both my boys and made them aware I wasn't happy and reinforced they needed to to as asked. They then apologised to him. But he went on about it for ages. He also made comments about how I shouldn't let them talk back to me.

I have four children and they are fantastic. The schools, friends, family, strangers even comment on how well behaved they are. I pick my battles and decide what's most important. They have lovely manners and always ask if it's okay to stroke a dog etc. glowing school reports and never a problem getting a sitter

He is just trying to control them in my eyes. Thinks when he says something they should say how high. My boys are just turned six and four.

That's why he has gone past the point of no return now. Up until then he had always been great with the kids but with him here full time, I didn't like what I heard. My kids are more important to me than anyone or anything and I'm very proud of them. They are not what he seems to be trying to make them out to be.

OP posts:
Celestria · 17/10/2014 14:27

Actually I don't need help anymore :)

Today I am feeling nothing but sheer relief. I felt so under pressure when he was around. Scared to say anything that would annoy him.

I finally feel like I'm free after a year and a half. There was no way he was ever getting the opportunity to mess with my kids heads like he did mine.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 17/10/2014 14:34

Upwards and onwards OP, you have enough love from four children you don't need a loser like him dragging you down and also, showing your kids how NOT to be behave in a relationship.

Please don't go back there for more shit.

Celestria · 17/10/2014 14:45

I'm not going back. I learned my lesson last time and demanded he came straight home and remove his stuff before I scattered it over the front garden and held a garden sale. No excuse for him to get in touch now he has his things and number blocked.

I am planning a week of exercise classes and attending yoga and meditation plus an introduction to buddism Grin plus I have an entire house to decorate and weekends with my friends and mum. Never ever going back there Smile

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 17/10/2014 14:53

Well done OP, good for you! You already see him for the abusive twat he is so most of the work is done anyway. You WILL get back on track and get your life back now! Keep on being strong Thanks

hellsbellsmelons · 17/10/2014 15:10

So glad to see your update today.
Well done OP.
You may wobble so come back on if you do and we can give you a swift kick!
Keep going and keep strong.
Your children sound like a credit to you.

Romeyroo · 17/10/2014 15:22

Yes, your children are a credit to you and neither you nor they need this man in your lives. If he comes back and starts trying to draw you back in, tell him you will call the police (and follow through if needs be). You and your dc need to breathe freely.

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