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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lust,love and sex, new relationship

25 replies

MissWilder · 16/10/2014 07:06

It's quite hard to put into words exactly what my worries are about. I'm not sure whether it's low self esteem making me feel this way or my previous relationship or whether I'm justified. I'm always a person whose very unsure of themselves anyway despite my quite mature age

Story goes, have been seeing a man for 8 months, he is lovely to me can't fault him really and we are very comfortable with each other. It's never been what I would call mad physical attraction although I do fancy him. My previous long relationship was total attraction and I was in no doubt whatsoever that he found me really attractive, we were very physical. Unfortunately the rest of the relationship was awful, he treated me very badly. But the sex was wow! So I don't know if I'm basing things on that

With new man I never really fancied him at first I just wanted some company but now I've fallen in love and I really do fancy him. The issue is I keep thinking he doesn't fancy me much because he's not always up for it and even though we see each other about 5 times a week we usually only have sex about twice. He's not all over me in that way although we always cuddle and hold hands constantly. I've been used to somebody trying it on morning noon and night and this man is so different. I don't want that again as such but I suppose what I'm fretting about is, does he really find me attractive enough?
Is he getting it elsewhere? Am I not his type?

I think I'm very scared of getting hurt now that I love him and I'm possibly letting my imagination run riot. Strangely I'm happy with the amount of sex as I don't have a huge sex drive but I seem to be unhappy that he doesn't want more

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StopStalkingMe · 16/10/2014 07:19

I think you are adjusting to what 'normal' is? Your other relationship sounded a bit one sided and now you are with someone who isn't only concerned with his needs. (what a joy that will be when I hopefully experience that someday!)
Normal can feel weird when it has been so not normal for awhile.
Two times a week is pretty 'normal' as long as you are both happy with it, and it sounds like you are. Try to look for ways he shows you he loves you other than sex; you'll probably find loads in him that you wouldn't have found in your ex!
Relax, and enjoy the 'normal'!

Original poster

MissWilder · 16/10/2014 07:26

Yes there are loads of ways he shows love by his actions. He makes an effort for me, treats me with respect always, compromises on things if we need to, clearly enjoys being with me and I live him to bits. I had it drummed into my head by ex that I was beautiful gorgeous, the best he'd ever had, and he couldn't leave me alone but looking back I think it was part of a grooming process to get me to want more and more sex and that was about control

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Original poster

MissWilder · 16/10/2014 07:28

I think I fret that I'm not enough for him although that may also be an issue I have from the ex

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Dirtybadger · 16/10/2014 07:40

Of course he fancies you! Would you regularly have sex with someone you didn't fancy? And twice a week is regular, by the way.
Sounds like your libidos are closely enough matched for it to work out.

It'd be nice to get a little affirmation now and again but what you describe before does sound OTT. Do you feel it was sincere? Sincerity is important. If this guy is paying you half as many compliments but has no ulterior motive and is sincere, that's what you want. Do you pay him compliments?

AnyFucker · 16/10/2014 07:50

It sounds like your previous partner was the one with the off kilter sex drive, and that this one has more respect for you

Relax and enjoy it !

Original poster

MissWilder · 16/10/2014 07:55

Did I feel my ex was sincere? I'm not sure, he had a very very high sex drive and was EA and controlling and now I can see he was controlling when it came to sex as well, using flattery and veiled threats to get what he wanted.

New guy is not great with the compliments, he's not good with words like the ex and doesn't try to manipulate. I would say he's a sincere person. I do pay him compliments quite often, probably more than he does me. I think the word I've been looking for is passion. I've been so used to it and this relationship is so different

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Original poster

MissWilder · 16/10/2014 07:56

Thanks AF and all of you. I think I may have been a bit warped by the ex

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Original poster

MissWilder · 16/10/2014 07:57

Actually maybe passion is the wrong word, perhaps it's abuse that I've been used to

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StopStalkingMe · 16/10/2014 10:54

Maybe it wasn't passion but rather the 'high' you got off the drama. The emotional 'hook'. It can be like a drug.

AnyFucker · 16/10/2014 15:43

Don't confuse passion with controlling behaviour. It's what sucked you into an EA relationship in the first place, and lok where that got you.

Original poster

MissWilder · 16/10/2014 16:28

Yes that's true, perhaps I am confusing the two. It's just I keep reading on here that in the early days you shouldn't be able to keep your hands off each other and I'm not sure it's ever been that way for us. Sure we like to hold hand and loads of cuddling, never sit apart but no groping or ripping off of clothes. It's only 8 months in so I do wonder. I'm quite happy with the way it is, I really couldn't live with what I had before but my concern is am I what he really wants?

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StopStalkingMe · 16/10/2014 16:38

Why are you doubting your happiness? If you don't know if he's happy.......Ask him! If he says he is happy and you are still doubting yourself, then I think it comes down to self-esteem. You may not think you deserve happiness and so will look for something to be wrong when there isn't?

Original poster

MissWilder · 16/10/2014 17:01

Yes, I think I'm my own worst enemy. I have all these doubts even though he always appears happy and says he loves me daily. I think you're right, for some unknown reason I feel I don't deserve to be happy or it's too good and I can't ever be that lucky so something will go wrong.

I don't feel this way the whole time just every so often the thoughts surface and I wonder is it me perhaps having low self esteem, or is there something I'm sensing that's causing it. I hope it's me imagining it because I don't want the relationship to end. I suppose I'm thinking, well if there's really no cause to worry why do these thoughts keep cropping up? Is my gut trying to tell me something?

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Original poster

MissWilder · 16/10/2014 21:24

Bump

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Original poster

MissWilder · 22/10/2014 09:33

I have got it into my head that he doesn't find me that attractive and I just can't shift the feeling. He's just not passionate, when we have sex I'm not even sure who initiates it tbh. My ex used to 'take me' iykwim, with this guy we just sort of fall into it. I think it started off a bit more passionate 8 months ago but seems to have died down. I would say he's gone off me but the fact he's stepped up how often he sees me, which is most nights doesn't fit with that.

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JaceyBee · 22/10/2014 11:52

Maybe he just isn't a very sexual guy? But if your sex drive isn't high either then that's not an issue. Tbh I couldn't settle for 2 times a week and little passion but it's not important for everyone.

When you have sex do you enjoy it? Does he make you cum? Does he seem into your body? If the sex is unsatisfactory at 8 months IMO it's unlikely to get any better. So it's really up to you whether this is something you can put up with or not.

Silly question maybe but have you actually tried talking to him about your sex life? Asked him if he's happy with it, if there's anything he'd like to try etc?

If he's one of those that goes all prudish and won't discuss it that doesn't bode well for fireworks i'm afraid!

Original poster

MissWilder · 22/10/2014 12:08

jaycebee I think my comparing him with my ex isn't helping but it's hard not to when the sex was so fantastic with him. I'm not sure he does seem that into my body tbh but then again am I just comparing ?

He does make an effort to make me come. But he doesn't talk about sex or say whether it was good afterwards. I have asked him if it was good and obviously he says yes. He seems quite shy generally and might be shy about sex, problem is so am I unless I'm with a really extrovert highly sexed person who takes the lead. I find it hard to take the lead myself and really let go. As long as I know it's just him and the way he is then that's fine, my concern is he's not into me and would be different with someone he fancied like mad

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arsenaltilidie · 22/10/2014 12:37

Chances are he doesn't have a high sex drive.

Whereas with your ex, sex was probably the only thing that kept you together.

No man would manage to get it up if he wasn't attracted to you.
He has a more laid back attitude when it comes to sex.

Original poster

MissWilder · 22/10/2014 12:40

Well he has a more laid back attitude to everything actually, he's just far more chilled and relaxing to be with. You are right in saying that sex was the only thing that kept me and my ex together.

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arsenaltilidie · 22/10/2014 12:45

Yeah that's just him.
No need to worry he isn't attracted to you.

Hedgehogging · 22/10/2014 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaceyBee · 22/10/2014 13:46

That's great you were able to sort things out hedgehogging

Although can I just point out that there is a huge middle ground between wild, passionate sex in an unhealthy, abusive relationship and lights off, no talking, dull sex in a nice, safe relationship.

Good guys can be filthy and passionate too!

heartisaspade · 22/10/2014 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hedgehogging · 22/10/2014 18:11

Thanks Jay, and I completely agree. Whatever about frequency, there has to be spark!

Original poster

MissWilder · 22/10/2014 22:14

hedgehogging your description sounds almost exactly like me and my situation. My previous relationship was definately toxic and I think has really skewed my thinking far more than I first realised.

jayceybee I wouldn't say the sex is dull, he does talk to me and it's not with the lights out. It's just tbh I think most sex would seem a little dull in comparison with what I had.

I had a marriage where there was absolutely no spark on my side anyway and he was never one to push anything, so I know how that feels. I would say this relationship is somewhere in between the two extremes I've had. I definately feel attraction. I just hope he does too, that is my worry

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