Gone NC with my mother. Should I tell her?

[pippinleaf]

Finally done it. My parents have split up which means my contact with mum can stop without affecting my relationship with my dad. My mum emailed last night saying she wants to come and see me. I replied saying I didn't think it was a good idea as neither of us had a thing to say that the other wanted to hear, then I blocked her email address. I guess she could text or come round but she hasn't done that for years.

Should I have specifically said that I want to cut contact? Presumably she will reply to the email and wonder why she gets no response. I don't want to be cruel, just want to keep her away.

Well, unfortunately for her keeping her away from you will be perceived as being cruel. Actually disclosing that you're severing contact might just provide an opening for more discussion about it. And that's unlikely to be good for you. Blocking her email account is quicker and much less troublesome. I think your response to her message was pretty explicit and precisely what you needed to say to keep her away from you.

I'm not sure tbh.... Part of me thinks that sending a goodbye and this is why message will set it to test properly for you, and that you might deserve that right.....

I did it with my mother. Wrote to her saying what and why. It was incredibly powerful for me. I ended things with my dad and didn't say goodbye. That was harder.

Obv this is your situation and different from mine, but I don't see why you can't write to her and say what you may want to say and then re block her....

Good luck anyway x

I suspect she'll figure it out from your message. Unless you want to open up more dialogue with her, I'd just leave it at that.

as soon as she realises that she's not welcome there will likely be ructions given that she's highly emotional and dramatic.

I think you need to plan how to handle it. Do you have the support of your partner emotionally? It will really help to talk it out with him, to mentally prepare you.

Firstly, get rid of the idea that you're being cruel. You're doing what you have to to protect yourself and your baby. That includes staying calm and not being dragged into drama.

She may be willing to start hammering on the door again. If that happens I think you have to either ignore it or tell her (keep the chain on the door so she can't push it open!) that you will call the police if she doesn't go away.

Block her from the mobile and your landline.

I do think that you need to warn your sister since you are close and since your mother will likely fall heavily on her. You can do it without shitstirring, just mail or speak to her and say neutrally that you have told your mother that you have nothing to say to each other any further, just to warn her in case there's fallout.

Take care of yourself!

by the way, be prepared ahead of time for your mind to start dwelling on family during the preg and after. It can happen pretty strongly and can be a right heavy bugger.

Keep to your decision though - if you have to, write down some of the incidents over the years, including recent ones, and if you start to think you can let her back into your life re-read that list before making your decision.

Thank you all, particularly Meerka who remembers me from previous posts - I'm impressed! I have spoken to my sister and my dad so they both know that I intend to have no relationship with mum.

Yes, I don't want to be cruel but I do want to be firm. So maybe I should unblock and allow her response. She may choose not to respond. My mum is not the type to ever apologise or plead in any way. Normally she would have told Dad how horrible I am and he would come round or say something in her behalf. Without that, I'm not sure what she will do.

It is genuinely in the back of my mind that she may attempt suicide. She has done this lots of times before, unrelated to anything I've done, and as she likes the drama I can see her doing this with all sorts of fantasies about someone rescuing her and everyone feeling terribly sorry for her. I obviously don't want this on my conscience.

Ideally, I want her to realise how awful she has been and respect that i can't take it any more and just leave me and my family alone.

My poor sister is very upset with her because she left her daughter with mum as a regular childcare thing and my mum left her with a neighbour who my sister doesn't even know.

I'm completely drained with it. How can it be ok to have a relationship in your life that just drains you and gives nothing positive? How can my mum want that?

This isn't an area of the site that often produces good news so I'm really pleased to see your update.

Don't allow her response - that would be unkind to both of you because it introduces an element of uncertainty into the situation. With people like your mum you need to draw clear boundaries and stick to them.

And any suicide attempts or other drama are not on your conscience. You are entitled to protect yourself and your baby.

Now you really need to work on not softening or getting drawn back in.

I have unblocked her email address. If she replies to my email I will stick to what I've said. I feel I need to be decent in how I handle it, even if I can't, or won't, change my mind. I'm frightened as she wants to move to live where I live so feel I need to make my boundaries clear before she does this.

I don't feel that this is a good news story. It feels sad and horrible but inevitable. I can't see another way now.

keep coming here when you need to pippin. It's a frightening and big step to go NC even when it's absolutely the right decision. I can see why you want to make it absolutely clear you have no relationship if she might move to your area.

Your poor sister :s has she considered finding other childcare?

No sorry that was probably an insensitive way for me to describe it. But I am glad you are out of that bathroom and saying 'enough'

My sister has made the decision that she won't leave her children with mum again. But she's too frightened to tell her. So she's reorganised all her shifts etc so she doesn't have to.

too frightened? oh god, pippin, you are miles further along the road to living your own life aren't you.

Myabe you have to tread carefully here with her but she does know that your mother is really not normal?

So she did email. She said it would make her sad not to see me and that she would be upset if I stayed in contact with dad and not her. I was torn between replying and ignoring the message. In the end I replied that I didn't like how she was treating dad and didn't think either of us had anything to gain by seeing each other.

I feel awful. Guilty. She's always previously had dad as her bodyguard to attack me when I've done something 'wrong.' Now she doesn't have that - am I taking advantage and kicking her when she's down?

No you are not.

You have done nothing wrong but express an opinion to which you are entitled.

She sounds like she's gone from playing persecutor to victim. And once you respond to the poor little victim she will turn persecutor again.

(my own Mother is a dab hand at this)

She needs to get past that sadness and think about what you are saying and her own part in it. X she may not though, obv. Habits of a lifetime etc.

No you are absolutely NOT taking advantage of her and kicking her when she is down!!!. Your mother has shown you no real love or consideration over many years. If anyone has taken advantage here it is indeed she.
She has also never apologised nor taken any responsibility for her actions.

Ah guilt; one of the three of many damaging legacies left by such toxic people to their now adult offspring (the others are obligation and fear which your sister has towards her mother).

Now you block her, there need not be any more communication with her now. NC is precisely that, NC of any sort.

Toxic people like your mother always want the last word so she may well try and communicate with you again. BTW I would not let your dad off the hook here because he failed completely to protect you and your sister from her mad excesses of behaviour. Weak bystander men like he need and still need someone to idolise and that is what he did and saw in your mother. People like your mother cannot do relationships so it is no real surprise to me that they have now separated.

Any communication is seen by such people as a reward, thus giving them the green light to bother you even more.

No you are not taking advantage of her.