Advice please

[DeeDee47]

I have come here today hoping for someone to talk to,im not too good at the moment.
this is my story,i met my Boyfriend 3 years ago,he was seperated,i was divorced.
we have been so happy,but we have had some stresses,one is even though he has now been divorced two years,his ex wife wouldent agree to sort the finances,and the only assett being the house,he has spent so much on solicitors the only answer is to take it to court,as she wont,but he feels he doesent want to spend more money on this as all he wants is a 50/50 split,so we lived with it i guess,but it has been hard for me as he still lives in a spare room there,but he would come to me on a friday till sunday,and he would visit me most days,his solicitor has always said dont move out.
As time has gone on he has got more and more depressed,when i say he lives in this room he uses no facilities,i do his washing and he bathes here,he works all day,so its basically sleep from mon to thur,me seeing him like this,i always say you can bring an end to this,put it in court,lets live our lives,we have both been unhappy with our exes,so i really thought this was a second chance.
We have weekends away,and have had some lovely times.
Two weeks ago he arrived on a friday and told me that he needed some time by himself to see if he could sort out his life,said he felt he was holding me back,i said i would rather he took some time and hoped he would miss me and contact me,and we could get through this,i am now struggling with it,how long will he need,is it over and he wants me to make it easier for him and end it,im not eating or sleeping,im grieving for him and the life we had,his things are still here and he still has my keys.
my friends have told me i deserve better,and i have been very patient for 3 years,i dont want it to end,as im sure if he gets his situation sorted,we would be ok,on top of all this i was due to have some surgery last monday,but it was cancelled,he dident contact me at all,it is now rescheduled to friday,im worried about it and hoped he would be by my side,i love him so much,and the pain is unbearable,after my surgery i will have 2 weeks off,which i think i need,im trying to work through all this,and was actually sent home yesterday,as i am a wreck,i did text him on sunday asking if he would meet me somwhere so we could talk,he sent one back refusing,there is a lot i dont understand,and only talking will help that.I have now decided to not contact him,and to wait to hear from him,so many people advise,but i guess its my heart and people will tell me what i dont want to hear at times.
So today be gentle with me,how long do i wait? when will the pain stop?,i get moments where i sob,and moments im cross with him for putting me through this,life is so short.
thank you for listening Dee
Dee Dee 47 is offline

I don't think he was ever separated, sorry.

I think his wife found out about you and he's run home with his tail between his legs.

You deserve better. Send his stuff back, delete and block, grieve for as long as it takes then move on.

Best wishes.

Sorry OP, but a few things don't completely add up and I'm not sure he's been entirely honest with you. But I'm a resident cynic around here.
Do you know for sure that he is actually divorced?

And can you tell us more about this please :
his solicitor has always said dont move out

xpost with puny. I agree.

What puny said.

Sorry OP

It's quite clear from your post that this isn't making you happy. So in that sense, it doesn't really matter whether he's still married or not. He didn't show you any kindness when you were facing surgery. He's refused to meet you.

It's all pretty unpleasant. You can take back the power here. You make the decision for yourself it is over and don't have any contact with him again.

Move on. He does not sound nice. (and fwiw, I agree that what he's told you about them being separated doesn't quite ring true).

i have the divorce papers here as the solicitors letters come here,solicitor said dont move out,as he will loose his rights,she could change locks etc,he has severed the joint tennancy,but basically nobody is ready to put it in court,he thinks it should be a 50/50 split and shouldent need a judge to tell her that,he is showing all the signs of depression and thats the worry here,its getting him to see a doctor that might be the problem,ive not been in contact for over a week now,he will need to talk eventually,as its time he has asked for not a split

apologies to cynics but as i have said all post comes to my house

That's ok then, it was something that had to be asked because it was setting off alarm bells. Actually it still is...

So you believe that he's definitely divorced, but that doesn't change the fact that he's still treated you appallingly. Actually, him being divorced makes his behaviour even worse, in my opinion.

What advice do you want to hear? I'd suggest you change the locks, tell him to stop having his post sent to your address, and then have no more contact with him.

When friends tell you that you can do better, they more often than not have a good point.

Best of luck

By the way, depending on what country he lived/s in with his ex wife, and whether the home is owned jointly, he's potentially had some very poor advice from his solicitor.

deedee47
how horrible that you are dealing with this after a long term relationship.
your head must be pickled right now with 100 theories going around it.

I would be a bit suspicious about the whole living in the spare room thing, surely many divorces have the same issue with the house, but I doubt all these ex's are living together.

And as for disappearing off into the unknown with no way of knowing if or when he will return, its very selfish and unfair.

I don't want to be horrible but I no think you have been more than fair, you've put up with it all for long enough and its time to cut your loses and find some amazing man who is ready for a proper relationship