How to help dd get over grooming

[BlackIvy]

Going to try and keep this brief

Dd is 15 and when she was 5 I married a man who wasn't her bio father. Everything went well until she was 12. She did a sport most evenings and often complained of aching legs at night. She told me h was sometimes offering to massage her legs and she didn't like it.
I immediately saw it for what it was and h and I subsequently split up. She has never seen him since.

In November last year the police came to talk to me to make sure the dc weren't having contact with ex (they aren't) He had been arrested for being in possession of images of child abuse.

We obviously have no contact with ex and are trying to move on with our lives. Unfortunately dd has a lot of anxiety around what happened. She struggles to trust men which is very understandable but even being around male family members cause her to be anxious.

I don't know how to help her. She refuses counselling or even a visit to GP. I've phoned various agencies to try and get advise but they've been useless.

Please can anyone help us?

I'm sorry your DD experienced this. It's understandable if she doesn't want to talk to a stranger like counsellor or GP. Have you spoken to her school at all? Might there be someone there that she trusts and knows who could talk to her in confidence?

I have spoke to school and they've been brilliant. They have Even appointed a mentor who she can drop in and see at any point during the day. She refuses though and unfortunately the school mentor is a man.

I should say she does talk to me about it but I feel overwhelmed and don't know how to help her.

I had a similar experience in my teens. I found this organisation helpful. They offer telephone counseling, which I found less intimidating than talking to someone face to face. They can send you written information and suggest books for you to read too.

www.patient.co.uk/support/RASASC-Rape-and-Sexual-Abuse-Support-Centre.htm

Thank you Curious, I'll have a look at that

If she only talks to you, you're going to have to be her mentor/counsellor for now. It's not ideal because you're untrained and it's a big responsibility but it's a start and you have the advantage that you love your DD. Organisations like the one mentioned above or Rape Crisis might be able to give you some pointers on what kinds of things to say or not say.

My personal view is that your DD would benefit from anything that improves her confidence. So as well as listening to what she has to say specifically about the abuse/grooming, balance it up with activities and projects that boost her self-esteem and make her feel more secure. You mentioned that she's quite sporty and - whilst it's a little on the nose - how would she feel about sports with a self-defence element like Judo or Kick-boxing?

I think she'd love to do kick boxing it's a very good idea. You're right, she does need her self esteem boosting. She mentioned hating herself and feeling suicidal at times.

Nothing constructive to add, sorry. I just wanted to say a very huge well done for you to listening to her and ending the relationship. That must matter hugely to her.

(Speaking from experience there as my DM turned a blind eye to a very similar situation)

Something to build her esteem like kick boxing sounds a brilliant idea and you are obviously doing a great job at helping her get through this.

The poor girl. It's very difficult for you. You can't easily impose help and, if she's really struggling with her confidence on top of the usual teenage self-consciousness, that means she's less likely to seek it as well.

How is she in other respects? Is her health good? Eating properly? Socialising with friends? Taking part in school activities? I'm sure you're alert for signs of self-harm or eating disorders if she's talking in terms of hating herself or suicide. If you suspect any of those then call the GP out regardless.

you could ask GP to refer you to CAMHS for specific therapy and use the sessions yourself - ie go to speak yourself with the psychologist and get ideas/strategies and hopefully with time dd will go along too.

also some areas you can get a telephone consultation with a psychologist.

esteem building v good idea

My friend went through almost identical with her ex and her daughter, only the daughter didn't speak out as my friend married him and she said she didn't want to ruin her mum's happiness. Very sad and abuse in this case much more severe, now being detained at Her Maj's pleasure.

What helped this girl was being given the opportunity to talk, even if just with her mother (tried counselling but didn't pursue). Although she has certainly not forgotten, she now has a loving relationship (mid teens) with a lovely boy. Wishing both you and your daughter well x