is it wrong to want more?!

[mrssteverogers]

We've been married 7 years with 2 beautiful children but i don't feel satisfied. Spoke to dh last night about wanting more out of our relationship, but he just makes me feel so guilty.
We get on really well, share same values but I just miss that 'spark'
We never have sex, I was in an abusive marriage previously and have a lot of scar tissue so it's very painful. I find it hard to be affectionate towards him and know this is a problem but can't seem to break the cycle.
We talked about counselling last night but don't really have the money, and I don't feel we need to go as we know the problems we have.
I really do love him but I don't want to get to old age and regret that I never experienced that all consuming love. Am I being ridiculous to want a fulfilling marriage and a happy family? That's pretty much what dh thinks, I know there are loads more worse off than me but I just feel a bit low.
Anyone ever experienced this and got over it?

Counselling could be useful for you, you say you know what your problems are but counselling can help you find strategies to actually deal with them.
Not being affectionate towards your partner (for whatever reason) and no sex means you're missing out of any physical contact and bonding, which is where you find those warm fuzzy feelings you are craving.

I'm open to counselling but at the moment it's something we can't really afford. Dh also works very long hours so we'd struggle to go. Is there any kind of online counselling available?

Have you had rape counselling? Done the freedom programme or similar? They wont solve your problem but may give you more confidence and a new perspective on your wants and needs.

It's not ridiculous to have needs. Anything can be rationalised with 'other people have it worse' if you think about it. But those other people are not you. Did you marry young? Did you rush into it seven years ago? Sometimes things just fizzle out and it's nobody's fault exactly, it's just that the relationship has run its course. Foolish to keep on going with something that's dead and counselling will only help if you're convinced that there's something worth saving and if everyone's prepared to make the effort

I never had rape counselling, I never really felt like I needed it. I kept in touch with my ex after we divorced as he became a changed man. I married very young 1st time at 18 but married at 26 2nd time.
I'm adamant there's something worth saving, I really do love my husband. I just want a bit more.
It's been tricky as he suffers with anxiety and panic attacks due to his job. I found that really hard to live with and tbh started to resent him. I know that sounds awful but it was just the way I felt. He was also awful when we first started dating, really angry and constantly putting me down (I met him as was seeing his friend first, we started dating later.)
He's a completely different person now, loving, always complimentary but sometimes I still see him as the same arsehole. I want to break out of this cycle but honestly don't know how to start.

You're pinning a lot of this on yourself. However, just from the pencil sketch of your husband you've mentioned, anger, put-downs, anxiety and panic attacks. Whatever improvements he may have made down the years, he still sounds like hard work. You keep saying you love him but you don't sound convinced.

Don't get me wrong, he is hard work but he would do anything for me and the kids. I couldn't imagine my life without him, if anything happens he's the first person I want to tell. I think that's how I know I still want to be in this marriage, it would probably be easier for me to walk away but I don't want to.

Wouldn't the sex be a problem with someone new too?

If you want it to work then counselling is the way forward. If it's important for him to save the marriage too then the money and time can be found. Think of it as a good investment as your children are very young and life as a single parent is no bed of roses. I would always advocate trying to make things better with what you have before walking away and starting again with zero guarantees it will be any better

What you're describing now is a good friend, not necessarily a good husband or life-partner. Whether you're under two roofs or one, you'd probably still be good friends and great parents. If you're happy to settle for friendship and forget ideas of having any kind of sex-life then that's your call. But age 33, that's a hell of a long time to go without physical affection

I want to try and make things better, my dad left my family when I was 9 and my mum never got over it. I don't want my kids to ever go through that so I think I would probably stay even if there was no chance of anything improving.
However having said that, I want things to be better so maybe will have to look at counselling. Has anyone tried relate?

If you can't afford counselling speak to your GP and ask them to refer you. If that's a non starter I'd have a good look at Amazon to see what sort of self help books might help you out.

I think it's really important that you start being affectionate towards one another, it doesn't have to mean that you have sex as such, hugging and kissing is just as important. Try holding hands, massage or even baths together. It's important to be emotionally intimate too. Try sending little appreciative texts to your husband while his out telling him things you love about him. In my experience it's that sort of thing that gets the butterflies going and gives you that happy feeling. Try to imagine you are dating your husband again and act accordingly.

I think it's very dangerous to get hung up on this idea of an 'all-consuming' love. I've only ever seen that sort of thing in films, I've never met anyone in real life who feels or acts that way. I think the real romance is in the seemingly mundane things, two people working together to build a life and supporting each other through good times and bad.

I hope it all works out for you xx

Why is it all down to the OP? Maybe the man is repellent?

Have you spoken to your gp about the pain during sex. You definitely don't have to live with it. There are so many things that can cause it that are totally treatable!

Not having sex can very easily turn a romantic relationship into a friendship. I would take things one step at a time and first address the painful sex issue, then decide what to do about your current relationship.

Definitely not asking too much to want an intimate relationship with your partner, I assume you are pretty young so first thing I would do is visit my GP and get the ball rolling, scar tissue can be removed if need be, esp if it's causing you pain.

I'd be more concerned about your partner's view that, this is it and you should be happy with out a sex life - I'd be worried about that.

Thanks for advice everyone, have made appointment at des so let's hope can start from there xx

Cogito, I assume you were responding to me when you said "Why is it all down to the OP". You are right it takes two to make a relationship work and the OP's husband will have to do his bit as well.

However I take the view that as it's only the OP posting, I'm only speaking to her. She gave no indication that her husband would read the post so I only gave suggestions to her. Because she said she wanted to save the marriage at all costs I tailored my advice towards saving the marriage.

The only thing any of us can change is ourselves.

Good luck at your appointment Mrs Steve Rogers