Partner won't leave...what to do?

[betterworkthistime]

Have nc for this...have been with partner for 12 years and we have 1DD aged 10. Our relationship has always been rocky , but things started to go seriously wrong following a disastrous stay with his family 4 years ago, and I think I switched off emotionally then but couldn't see how we could separate from a logistical (childcare) and financial point of view.

I think he had his first affair about 4 years ago too. Last September he sent me a text at work to say that our relationship wasn't working so we should decide the right thing to do, he had already moved out, at the time he told me it was as he was working away, but he was staying with a different OW to the first one. He didn't come back until the Christmas, but still used to collect our DD from school and bring her home, then go back to the OW.

However, he left her after a couple of months and went to live with a friend.

Although it was nice for our DD to have him home for Christmas, I wasn't happy that he just turned up again and asked him to leave. He refused, even though I made it clear that our relationship was over, saying that I would have to take him to court to make him leave and that our DD needed him at home. I can afford to buy him out of the house we share on which we have a joint mortgage, but I don't think he can afford to buy me out.

DD does like having him around and worries if he is not back in the evening before she goes to sleep as she says it's too quiet, but she doesn't have a very close relationship with him, and doesn't like him collecting her from school. She doesn't know the real reason why he left us last year, she thinks it was just for his work. Should I tell her?

I have met someone else now so it is even more imperative that we live separate lives.

I am also worried about how he will react once I start moving ahead with this process.

I think you should get professional legal advice on how to bring this to a finish properly. You don't need his permission to do this. If he's going to be a hostile participant I think you have to assume that he's going to want to walk away with his full share of any assets and that you will have to offer to buy him out. Legal bills will be higher if he is uncooperative as well. That might be leverage, I don't know.

As for DD, if this has been going on for years, the atmosphere is strained, and Dad is regularly absent, then she knows there is something badly wrong with the way the household works. I suspect that's why she's not close to her father. She doesn't need to know the full gory details beyond it being an 'adult decision' to divorce. However, if she asks you a direct question - and that's very likely - then please be as honest as possible. Children are small, not stupid. They will know other kids with divorcing parents, they watch TV, they read magazines. If children catch you lying then they will mistrust you on other things. For the future, however bad your relationship with each other, that cannot be allowed to spoil the relationship each of you have with DD

Thank you Cogito, wise words as always...I will start looking for a solicitor today, and realise that this is necessary, but what had prevented me before was anticipating my partner's hostility and resistance (we are not married btw) following a history of varying degrees of EA, and the effect it might have on our DD. She is most definitely not stupid but (in my mind at least) there is a big step between her seeing that her dad and I don't get on and us separating and me having to tell her why...

It is a big step but children, in the absence of real information, tend to make things up to fill in the gaps. This is when they start getting ideas like it's their fault Dad doesn't come home any more and when they can get very anxious as a result. Information and reassurance - however upsetting initially - is always better than leaving them in the dark and making up their own stories.

Morning better. I was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago. With hindsight I suggest you seek legal advice immediately and push to buy him out straight away. Speak to your lender regarding increasing the mortgage today via the phone, if they say no then go to a broker. (Unless you have cash to buy him out).

Keep a diary at work. With his comments, your dd comments and what is happening (stops future gas lighting from working).

Put a back up plan in place for when he decides to drop you in the shit and not collect your dd.

Any hint of violence call the police immediately and press charges.

My situation lasted almost 2 years as I was reluctant to call the police and get a solicitor involved. It did me no good!

Good luck op!

thank you 43 as you can see he has been living here with us since Christmas despite knowing that I don't want him here, I can't bear to be in the same room as him, but for the reasons I have mentioned and a couple of others, I haven't been able to go into action until now.
I think I just about have enough money to buy him out, although now that house prices have gone up so much I may be wrong, need to check that too.
I have a back up plan re school pick ups, and would prefer to use that anyway as DD doesn't like it when he picks her up as I mentioned.
He already has a police record for DV as I reported him after he broke some of my possessions.
Isn't it amazing how much better it feels to write all this stuff down in a place where you know people can help you?

You need to be very careful how you manage this if there is even a hint of a violent past. It's often when relationships end that things can become most dangerous. It changes the advice a little, therefore.

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 can potentially point you in the direction of a solicitor with DV experience, and also give you some ideas on how to end things officially when the assumption is that he is going to be hostile. For example, I think you'd well advised to have the police DV team (101) on alert so that, if things go badly, you have back-up.

yes this is the main reason I have been waiting to get other things out of the way first so that I can focus on being careful and doing the right thing for my DD and I...will give WA a call thanks

I think you need help with this for your dd she sounds v confused re: her dad. she wants him home/she doesn't want him picking her up.

he has broke your possessions, you scared of his reaction etc. your dd probably scared too - maybe she prefers to know he is home because if he wanders in late it might cause friction or ?

see what support is there locally for separated parents/freedom programme/support to children etc .

yes I am worried about her. She doesn't like the way he talks to her sometimes and complains to me that he upsets her, but then asks me not to say anything to him as then he just asks her "why did you tell mummy what I said to you?" instead of changing his own behaviour. it's a real problem, and I am also worried that if/when I do manage to get him to leave she will not want to spend much time with him, which will make him jealous/cause problems. He had a difficult upbringing with terrible family problems so probably doesn't know any better but I have given up trying to help/thinking it has anything to do with me any more.

Otherwise she is a very well-balanced, sensible girl and in a way it's lucky she sees him so little, I don't think any lasting damage at all has been done, and removing his presence now is more for my sake.

sorry sounds contradictory, I meant I am worried about her spending time with him when she doesn't want to but I as I am trying to limit that it is not a big issue, if that makes sense?

and when she says she misses him, it's just missing his presence and noisiness in the house, she never really spends quality time with him, as he doesn't really know what to say to her/how to talk to her (he is not English but his spoken English is ok)

and finally, there is no friction if her dad comes home late, I let him come and go as he pleases, glad when he's not there!

Hi better, check your finances and get that solicitor. Call the police non emergency and explain that you are seeking legal advice and are concerned he may become violent.

Not to concern you but my arse of an ex tried to strangle me when he finally realised I wasn't coming back. I didn't think I was getting out that night. It was the worst attack I suffered. Be careful, very careful. Do not assume it won't happen to you. (I was professional, educated, good job etc).

He then obstructed my buy out! Despite him not earning enough to buy me out!

Any hint of violence press charges.

Pm me if you want, your op has struck a chord!

sorry 43 only just getting round to acknowledging your post, thanks for the warning, this is exactly the sort of scenario that I am afraid of, I am not being complacent at all.

Just out of interest, how did your ex obstruct your buy out? I am guessing he did not succeed in the end? Would my stbx be able to stop me buying him out permanently? Am worried that I can't escape without renouncing the equity I have in the house. Obviously need legal advice here...

Do you have DC btw? Please feel free to respond to any of this by pm if you would prefer...