My aunt seems to want a relationship with me since Mum’s death but I’m not bothered. How to handle it?

[LividofLondon]

Before my Mum died I had nothing to do with my aunt (Mum’s sister). We hadn’t fallen out, just never really developed a relationship due to locality and independence; Christmas cards were all we exchanged. But since Mum died 3 years ago she’s been initiating email contact. We have nothing in common, her emails are just confirming that, and I struggle to write replies. She only writes whiney emails anyway and then apologises for moaning so I find it extra difficult to think of how to respond. If I don’t reply within about a week she always sends a follow up email saying she thinks her PC is playing up as she sent an email and not heard back. I then reply out of guilt.

My Mum, in the last years of her life, came to the conclusion that her sister was the sort of person she wouldn’t have as a friend, so was only keeping in touch out of family duty. Mum didn’t even want my aunt to know she was in hospital dying and I had the task of telling my aunt Mum had died and why I wasn’t allowed to tell her she was ill. This was very upsetting to my aunt as she seemed oblivious she’d even upset Mum (many times). I get the impression Aunty is clinging onto what remains of her sister…me. I don’t want to upset her but I’m simply not interested in having a relationship with her. Should I though? My family is a bit dysfunctional and I’m not sure what’s normal. TIA.

I do see both sides of this. I am assuming your aunt has no other family?

Do what you think is best in the interestof your mum and your life. Don't feel bound by duty and if your aunt is bloomin in denial about it... Have a discussion with her and see what she has to say.

Personally, I'd honour my mum and stick by her even in death.

Either your aunt is genuine and cares for you and acts graciously. Or she'll soon show her true colours.

Thanks for the replies

Aunt has a boyfriend and 2 grown up DCs and seems close to them all. If she was alone I'd be more inclined to make the effort and try hard to build something.

I wouldn't want her relationship with mum to colour my decision because as far as I'm concerned any issues were between them and nothing to do with me. I just wish we could do what we've always done; Christmas cards to acknowledge the other exists then bugger all inbetween. The passive aggressive email reply prompting is getting on my tits though. Think I'll have to email and remind her I'm bogged down with life stuff so bear with me if I take a while to reply, and hope she backs off a bit.

was she your mother's only sibling?

I think I would just tend to give minimal polite replies and not be in a hurry to respond, unless there is a genuine reason for urgency. At least it is only emails. As you have said she has other people to turn to. As for Duty, what good would you be doing to encourage her?

My best friend died recently - her daughter is in her 30s; we've never been close, I was her mum's friend and that was pretty much that, although she's a great person. Now my friend has died I have to admit I've been contacting her. I tried to keep it to a card and a couple of text messages but even that wasn't particularly well received, so I know to back off. I think its only natural - that's what people will do, try to cling on to something of the person that's died. As Capsium says, just minimal polite replies and Christmas cards would be fine - I think you'll find it stops after a while. Sorry about your mum too.

That bit about your aunt being stunned by hearing how she'd worn out your DM's goodwill made me quite sorry for her but some folk are their own worst enemy. She has perhaps felt guilty ever since hence trying to keep up contact.

I guess I have people pleasing tendencies rather than the reverse. So I might write or phone as a one-off, and say it's kind of her to stay in touch, but am so busy with work/family/landscaping/livestock (whatever) and so little free time she'll have to excuse me not being able to respond ever very quickly. Then a pot plant or toffees at Christmas and once in a blue moon, (or never if you prefer), ring or drop her a line.

You have lost your Mum and have your own grief to deal with. I would choose who to give your finite energy to. What would happen if you ignored her follow up emails? Maybe she would stop.....dont feel guilty - clearly she is a bit thick skinned - as your Mum experienced - dont let her drag you down too.

Maybe your aunt is grieving for her sister and has decided that she wants to be closer to her family? You should maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Because your mum didn't get on doesn't mean you won't either. Apart from being persistent, your aunt seems ok, maybe give her a chance? I think I would be pretty shocked if my own sister had not let me know she was ill and I found out she had died suddenly.

She was Mum's only sibling, so I can understand why she wants to get closer to me, I really can. I was also Mum's only child so I can imagine that might make a difference too. Part of me wants to try to get closer to her but it seems so strange; I'm mid 40s and we've never had a relationship, so for the best part of 40 years we've only exchanged Christmas cards. She's sent birthday cards but I haven't, we've never spoken on the phone, or texted. I feel sorry for her but I don't want to do something for that reason alone. We're unlikely to meet either as we live a long way apart, she's chronically ill, and for other practical reasons (especially as I have a dog and she dislikes animals - which is why, as a huge animal lover, I'm not motivated to take things further).

How long is it since your mum died? The contact may be part of the grieving process and she will disappear naturally when she has moved on from the death.

I think when you get the reminder email a week later you can write back that yes, you got it but you haven't had time to write. If you do that a few times, she might take the hint.

You don't have to Livid. Realistically, even if you did, you would not see her much anyway. You are not doing anything wrong, unless you are outright cruel or rude. Relationships can develop slowly or just peter out.

On a similar note my parents have made attempts, in the past, to get me to develop relationships with recently bereaved, long lost, quite distant relatives, who I last saw when I was a baby. Simply because they are old and live nearer me than them. I said there was nothing stopping them visiting them, when they came to see us, but we would not accompany unless they were having a big family get together. They haven't visited them since, to my knowledge. I wondered at the time, whether they were offering my support in order to assuage their own (false) guilt.

Saw you wrote 3 years, sorry.

I'll do that Sonja. I'll reply to her emails because they aren't so frequent that they're intrusive, but I'll stress that it takes me ages to reply as I'm often bogged down with my studies. Feel bad because looking at the dates of her emails again I see it was over 3 weeks rather than 1 week she'd been waiting! My time feels like it goes so quickly that I lose track. I could always just talk about my dog, that'll probably make her lose interest pretty quickly

You're right Capsicum. I suppose it'll either develop (which would surprise me) or more likely peter out. I do think there's often a pressure to get along with family just because they are family, even when we might not necessarily choose to be friends with them if they weren't related. You can chose your friends but you can't chose your family.

i think that's the best thing too.I'm sure it will slowly fade out to just christmas cards etc. But I do see it from your auntie's perspective. My mother lost her sister last year. They were best friends and only the two of them in the family. My mother although handled it well considering she felt a huge gap in her life, even though she had all of us there to focus on. My auntie had two children male and female and in particular with the female she texts and contacts her. I think she feels she should do it. It's her connection to her sister. My mother can be negative or talk the back legs off a donkey at times and I know it must drive my cousin mad. But my mother needs this. I think it puts life into a whole new perspective too. She can't talk to theone person who she grew up with, a connection to her past. I suppose she felt that my cousins needed her there in case they needed to vent. Unlike your mother my motherand auntie were very similar in looks and my cousins feel they still have a part of their mother in mine.
It's a tough situation for you. You have nothing in common but a natural bond/connection. She probablyjust feels she should be there for you as the surviving sibling to your mother.