I'm unhappy, think it's my marriage

[animalsunited]

Dh and I been married 11 years, three beautiful kids.

On the surface we probably appearcro have it all. A nice house, good marriage etc. I've been a sahm for years, which I always wanted.

But I'm unhappy about something. I cry a lot, I have no self esteem and I resent dh. He gets fitter (cycles to train for commute to work), more handsome as he gets older. He has done really well in his career. He has visible skills which he is praised for by his family. And he gets to be a great dad.

When we first met I was young, slim and attractive. I did great in my degree. Now I'm fat, I get older and haggard looking. I have nothing to offer, I've given up everything for my family. But this is expected because I'm a woman. It's not a skill or quality I'm praised for.

I've invested a lot in my marriage but for what? Since dc3, I wonder if it's my dh that makes me unhappy.

I crave attention (sounds immature I know), I want to feel special and wanted. To have confidence again. I want to lose weight, it would be nice to feel pretty again. I honestly think if it wasn't for the kids, I'd leave.

Many of these things are in your control but you need to grab the time you need to achieve them.

I'd also suggest counselling if you really want to work on your marriage but the weight/fitness issues are definitely worth working on in the meantime - at least then you will see results and maybe will get a clearer idea if there are other marriage issues that need to be worked on.

It's more having the energy. I'm always exhausted, mentally and physically. By the time my youngest us at school my best years will be behind me and I don't feel I'll even have my marriage to bring me happiness and meaning.

Who expected you to give up everything for your family I wonder? You? Your family? Your husband?

When you sacrifice everything for other people and do nothing for your own personal development I think the danger is that you become invisible and taken for granted. It is not immature to want attention. Everyone, whatever they do, wants to feel appreciated for the contribution. Anyone would feel resentful if they worked hard and were shown no appreciation.

Does your DH know how bad things are? Does he know you are struggling? Weight can be lost and jobs secured... but I think you need to articulate your feelings and start demanding to be appreciated in order to regain some control.

Get some childcare, join a gym, get a job.

If only it was that easy cricrichan. I feel I've lost all confidence and skills. I don't know where I'd find the energy to go to the gym.

The depressing thing is that dh took the kids today, and I cried in bed all day. They're fine, happy as Larry and he doesn't even seem to notice how low I am. It made me realise how pointless I actually am.

No one notices, no one cares and the kids would be just fine without me

I agree the weight thing can be within your control but it is a shame to say your best yrs are behind you.Surely each new phase in life has its own rewards.Working even part time does boost your self worth and you get to meet lovely people and even if it is a hard day you can go home to your family with a new outlook.Also the money comes in handy :)

You sound horribly depressed, possibly clinically. Have you spoken to your GP? Does your DH not see any of this?

You say in your OP you always wanted to be a SAHM.

Then say you're resentful toward your DH because he has done well in his career and saying you've been expected to give up everything for your family because you're a woman.

Which is it?

Exercise gives you energy and helps with mental stress. It also makes you healthier and makes you look better.

Look at what's available locally and join some classes that catch your interest. Gyms are full of sahm like us so you won't feel weird. There are so many fun ways to exercise - Zumba, boxercise, spin, pump etc. Try some of them.and start going regularly. You'll feel a million times better.

Also start thinking about what you'd like to do once the children are in school. Whether you'd like to work or volunteer - part time or full time. Honestly, many of us are in the same boat.

And the kids are only fine without you for a few hours and because they're confident because they have a happy family life. You are the backbone of the family and I'm sure everybody knows that without you, it would be really hard.

Please go see your GP. Spending all day crying in bed and feeling like everything is pointless sounds a lot like depression. it may just be with either counselling or medication your mood could be lifted enough for you to feel able to tackle your weight and fitness. but if you are feeling depressed its extremely hard to get that motivation.

To be honest, you seem to have resentment for your husband even though he hasn't actually done anything to deserve the annoyance?

Why don't you go running during the day or evening? Or join a gym? Loose that fat and feel better about yourself? No good moping around. As suggested above, perhaps the Doctor?

OP you could be writing exactly how I felt 20 years ago.
Beautiful DD, lovely house, successful husband.....and so depressed I took my daughter to school, managed to put on a smiley act for everyone, then back inside to cry and cry. This seemed to go on for years. I resented my husband too, my daughter idolised him and never seemed to want to be with me. I had been so confident all my life, but I just became frumpy, boring, never wanted to go out, on and on it went. I tried antidepressants and hated them, then again I hate taking pills for anything. I can't tell you how many times my GP asked me what I did for exercise. I thought he wasn't taking me seriously and wondered what exercise could possibly do.
Fast forward to now...My daughter is grown up and happy and so am i.
I swim, go to the gym sometimes, but mainly find that I'm at my best when I'm walking/ jogging, taking in lots of fresh air.
I promise you that you will feel better! I'm 50 now and feel healthy and happy. I certainly have my moments though, because that's life, but on the whole life is good.
Maybe you aren't happy with your DH or maybe you are, but if you make yourself look and more importantly, feel better, things will fall into place and if you really are sick of him well you'll have the confidence to make the right decisions then.
Agree with the others that the first step should be a visit to your GP.

You sound depressed rather than awful & unwanted

Oh op, I've had the same feelings about being a sahm, I wanted to do it but I feel I have no purpose now they're at school.

Does your dh know how you feel? You need to validate your role for yourself and him - does he appreciate you being at home? If not, he needs to start!
Like someone else said, you are the backbone of the family.
I'm not sure it's helpful to resent your dh like you seem to - life goes in phases and you need to find your groove in the current one. Find the positivity in him rather than how negative he makes you feel.

I got some amazing advice on here about my cv - someone actually re wrote it for me! So while I'm waiting for that perfect 9.30 - 2.30pm job to come along Ive joined a bootcamp which I do every morning, then spend the afternoons applying for jobs. I also volunteer with dementia friends, it's incredibly worthwhile and I'd thoroughly recommend something like that.

So it's a cliche - exercise & volunteering, but it's what I'm doing and whAts the alternative? I'm a chipper person though so as some others have said perhaps you are clinically depressed & talking to a counsellor would help.

Also - put on some war paint, do your hair, wear properly fitting clothes - you ain't no dowdy lady!!!

OP, as others have said, You sound depressed.

BUT....it might not be as scary as that. I've been to see the GP due to lethargy and it ended up being my iron levels at fault. I honestly feel like a new woman since. And I kick myself for not seeking help sooner.

I'm a SAHM too and for months beforehand was floundering, seeing a counsellor, wanting to change myself and unable to do so.

The counsellor prodded me to see the GP and since starting taking the iron I've finally found the energy to make some changes, such as weight loss and exercise.

. So here's something I've realised:

My DH has not even the tinest grasp of any of what I feel I have given up and sacrificed for our family. Not one iota.

I'm not sure what to do about that at the moment, if anything, but the realisation has been a shocker. It's not too late for you, and I, to make the change starting with ourselves.

Please seek some help. xx

And yup, exercise and volunteering....also here.

I agree you sound depressed and should visit your GP.

You need to find your zest for life again and maybe it's time to get back out there and make the most of your intelligence and degree.

Being a SAHM is not easy and for me can lead to feelings of invisibility and resentment.