I'm finally beating the guilt and it feels good (narc parents)

[Lottapianos]

I have posted lots of the Relationships thread about my family - both parents are narcs, brother is golden child, also have a sister who has experienced similar treatment to me. I'm the 'black sheep', the 'oversensitive one', the one who 'takes everything too seriously' - you get the picture. Growing up, I was never allowed to have my own thoughts or feelings, parents were extremely controlling about me spending time with friends, tons of guilt tripping, mother used my sister and I as relationship counsellors since I was about 11 by sharing far too much information about the state of her shit marriage to my dad, both parents (probably subconsciously) saw us as totally responsible for their happiness.

Anyway....... I've been in therapy for 5 years and have been doing well at establishing much healthier boundaries for myself in all areas of life, including my parents. I am very low contact with them - see them about once a year, occasional text message, rarely instigated by me. I have decided not to even consider visiting them at Xmas this year as this is something I absolutely dread every year so I have decided that enough is enough. I'm getting much stronger and I'm becoming much more comfortable with the idea that it is ok to put myself first and to choose not to have these people in my life much.

And then the guilt descends! Less often than it used to, but its still there sometimes. I was having a guilt attack the other day and I suddenly thought about an incident a few years ago. I was visiting my parents for Xmas (without my DP, which was a huge mistake) and we were having dinner with my brother and sister and parents. My brother was being his usual asshole self and started making homophobic comments about a family friend. I pulled him up on it and he yelled at me that I was an effing c-word. Twice. He was livid - I wouldn't have been surprised if he had smashed a chair or something. Then he stormed out.

There wasn't a single word of comfort or concern from anyone else around that table. They blamed me 100% for the entire incident. I ran upstairs in tears and had my mother on my heels, at pains to explain to me that 'he didn't meant it' and 'you know what he's like'. I honestly wanted to die that night - I felt like I had ruined Xmas and made everyone furious at me, and I was stuck there for another 3 days. I felt like a naughty child who everyone was furious at.

So I thought about this, one of the worst times of my life, and I thought 'that is what they think of you. Hold onto that. That is what you are to them. Your brother calls you one of the worst things you can call a person and there's not a word of protest from the people who claim to love you. Just blame and shame and excuses. Well, balls to that'.

So now I'm standing firm again. It's been a long journey to detach myself from these people and I have a long way to go yet but I can do it. I do not exist just to make them happy. I don't owe them anything. I can leave the toxic crap behind and make sure it doesn't spill over into my own life. So I'm feeling good today and very proud of myself. Thanks to all the supportive people on here who have been through similar family crap and are so good at sharing advice and saying kind things. I value you all so much x

Hi Lotta- I just wanted to say that you should feel proud. To put yourself first is the best gift you can give to yourself and those that genuinely care for you.

I totally understand where you are coming from with regards to the guilt. I often find myself thinking that things are not that bad- or ' they are family' and the only one I will get so therefore I should try to make it work. I also feel guilty for going no contact and wonder how it must be effecting them badly... However in recent months the one thing I remember is that they certainly never put my feelings first. They never considered what effect the ongoing criticisms and ridicule had on me and whether I felt bad. ....Getting to the point of hiding every aspect of myself so I remained 'unseen' and not in the line of fire of yet more poison.

It has taken me years to realise it's not worth it. By accepting the criticisms and going along with what they want ( every single time) I realised I had become a shell of myself. The poison had penetrated so far in to me that I had no idea who I was or how to be. I was denying everything about me and the way I wanted to be in an effort to please them and keep the peace or to ensure they couldn't find yet more ammunition.

And even now people try to excuse the nastiness and say 'oh well you know what they are like ' or ' life is too short.' But as you rightly say 'balls to that!'

I see the manipulation and nastiness for what it is now- I still very much feel 'the fear' but I am getting stronger in myself. And now I think - yes life is too short and I will not waste the limited time we get pandering to nasty toxic people that want me either as a mirror image of them or to use me a verbal punch bag in an effort to make themselves feel complete. Life is too short and from now on I chose to spend my time with people who genuinely care for me and allow me make my own choices and have my own opinions.

You should feel proud Lotta and do not feel guiltly - for we both now realise they certainly do not worry how we are effected merely how everything effects them. I hope you feel a sense of release and a new freedom. You can look forward to a Christmas with those who care about you.

Keep strong and remain true to yourself - doing what is right for you.

Make your Christmas plans now. Get excited. It will be so good to not feel dread about the holiday.

OP I hear you loud and clear.

One of the best things ( and there are many) about being NC with my narc mother is not having to spend Christmas with her, listening to her homophobic/racist/misogynistic rants.

Enjoy.

lotta, fantastic. So good to read.

Hoping you have a lovely, peaceful and most of all enjoyable, troublefree christmas.

That's a great post Lotta, good for you! Have a great Christmas!

Thank you all for such lovely posts. I actually have come to loathe Christmas because of the crushing sense of obligation that goes with it. We may still have a bit of that this year as DP's parents are very similar to mine and he may feel the pull towards keeping them happy. I will go with him of course - i know how heavy the guilt is and how you have to find your own way towards rejecting it.What I would really like is for the two of us to ignore bloody Christmas and just have a quiet day in! We will see... But the most important thing is how I feel about myself and I feel proud and more free than I have in a while. Low contact is for life, not just for Christmas!

Good for you. I'm no contact and still struggle with guilt.

Well done, Lotta! You have made that leap.....you know in your heart now that you deserve better. It does get so much easier when that happens. You are putting your needs first (that's a weird concept to us!) and doing whats best for you.
I always thought in my head when I was going through this, 'If my friend did this to me or said this to me, would they still be my friend?' And the answer was always 'No'. And mums should be at least as nice as a good friend. (and so much more, obviously)

GoodtoBetter, its rubbish, isn't it? I find the guilt comes in waves now - at times I'm fine with it all, at other times I feel very guilty and start questioning myself and minimising what happened. Its just how we've been conditioned - to always think of other people first and never think of our own needs. Putting yourself gets easier with practice and its the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Good luck x

Lotta I think we have a deep, visceral need to be part of a multi-generational group, usually family, and it goes two ways - to care for as well as be cared for. Its also how our ancestors learned from thee previous generation - valuing older people with experience and knowledge when they were too old to go out and hunt.

It's a huge loss and you wouldn't be human if it didn't hurt.

I have been apart from my family for years (physical attack) and I do not feel one iota of guilt - they would not get a kidney off me! I do feel a lot of sadness though that I come from such a crap family and do feel envious of people that have loving relationships - I don't know what that would feel like. When I see mothers buying treats for their daughters and little girls that are loved and well looked after I do realise what I've missed out on and I don't know how you can take a positive from that.

Your story resonates with me OP because that is what happened to me - I was made to feel responsible for parent's problems and blamed for being attacked! Don't have any advice but just thought I'd let you know you are not the only one to experience this and there is no way you should feel guilty.

North, how awful for you. I know that if my brother's attack had been physical rather than verbal, I still would have got the blame for it and it still would have been minimised and 'brushed under the carpet'. That's pretty sick and scary. When you've been given messages all your life that your feelings don't matter, that you're a troublemaker and a drama queen, but that 'we love you so much', its pretty much guaranteed to wreck your head I guess.

I really appreciate your post. It feels like a very lonely place sometimes and it helps more than I can say to know that other people have beaten the guilt and gone on to live contented lives, with nothing at all to be ashamed of.

Ah yes 'brushing under the carpet' is a specialty in my family as well! It can feel a very lonely place and sometimes it can feel as if we are surrounded by people from happy families although its probably an illusion - they may be participating in a dysfunctional family and it only looks good on the surface.

Any time you feel guilty ask yourself if you would treat YOUR DC's like that - I bet you wouldn't. IMO family should have your back no matter what, love you despite your imperfections (even because of them), would only want what's best for you and would never want to hurt you in any way - my family fall far short of that!

I dont' have DCs North but I take your point. I find it useful to think how i would feel if a friend told me that they experienced what I have experienced within my family. I would be utterly horrified on their behalf and would not expect them to feel guilty for a second! So that makes things clearer too.

Yes, it often does feel like everyone else has a happy family, especially at Xmas and Mother's Day. Although of course it's not the case. Just today, a colleague was telling us about her MIL's (highly narc sounding) attention seeking behaviour at her son's birthday party at the weekend. She said its been going on for years and she's getting totally sick of keeping the peace and pandering to this woman. So I told her I understood because my parents and ILs are very similar. I told her it sounds like it's her MIL's problem, not hers, and that she should feel confident about putting her foot down where she needs to. It felt good to be supportive of her, and nice to hear someone else's similar story!

Yes Lotta I do think we minimise how bad things are when we are involved in an abusive relationship and its only when we see the look of horror on friend's faces that we realise just how bad it is. Possibly because abusers downplay their awful behavour and if we don't have an alternative view we can believe them - especially if they are parents/loved ones. That's why supportive others are so important.

Sometimes you have a lightbulb moment yourself - when I saw the DC's upset and crying on the night I was attacked it illuminated just how wrong the situation was - it was like seeing our family through different eyes. You think my situation is awful but I think being called an effing c**t is pretty awful as well!

I have also discovered since that time that my mother using me to unburden herself of all her woes and worries regarding her so called marriage is known as 'covert incest' and is extremely damaging to children who are not equipped to deal with adult relationship problems. So that is another area of abuse you are experiencing.

Yes, I read the term "emotional incest' a few years ago and had a lightbulb moment - blurred boundaries, child being used as a tool to make adult feel better about themselves with no thought for impact on child. Horrible, but made total sense to me. Its so helpful to read an objective assessment that this stuff is plain wrong. I always knew it didn't feel right but was not able to trust my feelings on anything at the time.

I know that having DCs has been the catalyst for a lot of posters on here to cut contact, deciding that they would not subject their child to the same crap they went through. And hats off to you all for deciding to put your children first in the way that your parents failed to do for you. I work with parents and putting your child first happens much more rarely than we might like to think.