What dog you do with inlaws like these?

[YellowSpoon]

I need suggestions, have lost perspective. Are they awful or ordinarily crap?

They make me so frustrated when they have such a lovely son and such great grandchildren they could be having a great relationship with.

So an outline...middle class, wealthy, very bothered about appearing to be these things too. No real close friends just some immediate family who they see a lot. Three children non close to each other a few years apart from each other. One is visited all the time, given cars, houses (!) and lives like a trust fund princess. One is seen sometimes and lauded as works as a mega earning city lawyer. The other is dh...not visited other than for a birthday and then only for a few hours. They are welcome, invited, they choose not to come.

Dh is a SW and the family loathe this! He is the only one who has emotional intelligence and doesn't 'need' them but wants them to form a good relationship with him and their grandchildren.

The good:

I think they love the grandchildren, when we visit they enjoy them and attend to them. They are generous hosts, they remember birthdays (and buy enormous statement gifts). If there wS a crisis they would come and for a while then stay in more regular contact. Then they would vanish off the radar. We call frequently to avoid this though if dh leaves it and I haven't called months will pass.

The bad: they can't talk about emotions, they are really controlling and demand to be needed. We just behave normally for example we visit at Christmas, and see both sets of families whereas we have never really been forgiven for not moving in for Christmas week and going to see my folks too (and crucially for spending Christmas Day in our house...)

they still play the adult children off against each other, take one on holidays, pay for the other to have a an amazing weekend away (coincidentally!) on DHs birthday just because he 'deserved' it.

One incident of violence where fil hit dh for no obvious reason other than DIL was upset and asked dh to get her some food and take it up to her. He had no right apparently and fil swung for him... Hd long predicted this kind of explosion as everything stays unsaid. After this we kept in contact and dh didn't want to go non contact as he feels a bit sorry for for them too. Anyway he did keep trying to talk about it with is dad and years later after a family funeral his dad said sorry. Felt like progress. But recently we must have offended again so there is no contact, no replies to texts other than the most bland and of course they haven't visited. They don't live too far away and enjoy driving, we have called in during this time and attended a family birthday party. No phone calls when the children went back to school, no calls to see how DHs new job is going, no calls to see how ds did in his dive competition.

I wouldn't mind the lack of interest except they are very interested in the other dgc, they have them over, take them out, call them... It's the comparison I dislike and the false promises that they will see our gc soon, take them out, stay over...

In short they are divisive and dysfunctional, not evil not monsters just not great for the emotional health of those around them. Do we carry on pretending they are normal, nodding, smiling, calling or do we sod it, see them less and less and let it slide. Do my children get corrupted by the disinterest and huge gifts disparity or do they get to accept families are different? Thoughts?

Incidentally my family is fine, they call, we chat, meet, argue, leave each other alone or help out as appropriate. We have lovely friends we are not difficult people but I am really starting to feel difficult and in danger of snorting my annoyed amusement when gramps next tells me how vital the role of grandparents is...

Sorry it's an essay...are the awful or am I getting crabby?

Ahem what do you do with inlaws...dunno where the dog came from!

You need to talk honestly and non-accusingly about how you feel. See what they say. No one can tell you if they're awful or ordinary - there's such a wide spectrum. But talking to them is the only way that anything will improve so you might as well go straight to it.

The problem is you can't as they literally won't! I once called them to say we would love them to come to x event and that dh was a bit upset that they weren't planning to come. I said how nice it would be to see them, how welcome they were etc mil said don't be silly he isn't upset no no no and neither of them visited for 18 months or answered or called for a good 6months!
They can't talk about anything, if you try to make them they refuse and withdraw- that is for the most innocuously phrased contribution. It's why the violence flared once - so many layers of unsaid hurts and so little matching between what they say and do.

But yes I agree talking is what is needed. I can almost see their terror though at expressed feelings, there are so many that if a few basic ones came out maybe lots of others would and there might be some horrible truths for them.

I assume that the violence was long, long ago? If not then it's best to cut contact. It's absolutely not acceptable especially around the children.

Assuming that the violence is long in the past and you want some sort of relationship I think that in this case talking would be so alien to them that it would do more harm than good ... much though I'm in favour of talking normally.

I think you save talking for when you are so fed up that you really want to piss them off. Deliberately backfoot 'em .. but don't expect them to contact you again heh.

Until then, woudl it work to back off to some degree but still keep a faint contact? You can, when your children are older, gently point out that big gifts are lovely but no substitute for real attention. If they twig to the favouritism then gently say that Grandpa and Grandma can give what they like to who they like, but that we don't do things like that, we try to be fair.

Actually, I don't think there's any harm at all in the odd snort when Grandpa starts saying how vital the role of grandparents are. They'll probably know what you mean and if you don't, you can gently and without blame say that in the 18 months that they didn't come, the grandchildren missed it. With that incredibly uptight type of behaviour, you only need to say something gently for them to get it. You might be angry or fed up of them, but showing emotion will only be counterproductive.

Or simply stop making the effort and let them make the effort to come to you. That, actually, is a perfectly reasonable option.

Your own family or origin I am not surprised to read are emotionally healthy but you cannot apply the same "rules" to your DHs family of origin who are deeply dysfunctional. "Normal" rules of dealing with familial relations simply do not work when it comes to such dysfunctional families.

Concentrate your energies instead on yourselves and other relatives who really do deserve your time and attention.

If you yourself think that his parents are not good for either yours or your family's emotional health I would stay the hell away from them. It will do your children no favoured at all to see their dad so scapegoated and by turn your good self as well.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your DHs assigned role is scapegoat for all their inherent ills. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

You're pushing water uphill here. They are unreasonable, irrational and more than ordinarily crap, and they aren't going to change anytime soon.

I'd go the gradual loss of contact route - very sad though, you are justified to have a bit of a rant and a weep at the unfairness of it.

Ha purple you are right, we are pushing that water! A pretty thankless task...

Yeah Attila, normal rules don't work, although they have made progress in some ways. Oh I don't know, I suppose the problem is that our emotional health is fine and although dh is frustrated with them he has sufficient empathy to understand where their limitations come from. The children wouldn't know about how dh has been treated over the years, but it's the here and now and seeing that they aren't being fair to our children. They espouse tolerance and children following their dreams but are emotionally abusive and manipulative, their love was never unconditional. And whilst me and dh can dip in and take the best and laugh at the ridiculous I can't feel like that about the children.

I suppose faint contact, and it's not much better than that now is the way forward. Distance protects our children and dh knows he has do e what he can to take the best from it all.

You know meerka and this is how mad they are. If I mentioned when they didn't visit, when they ignored a birthday, when they wouldn't help whilst I was in hospital because they had the DIL visiting, when they accused Dh being unemployed ( he wasn't, this was a bizarre fiction!) and me of being god knows what they would insist it never happened. They rewrite history all the time, DIL was an addict for a while, MIL has a huge painkiller thing going on, FIL has lots of affairs, BIL caused a crash while drunk and drove away later getting a court sentence- non of these things every happened. I actually think they believe it!

It is like trying to have a relationship with fake people, and it is sad because there are great bits to them and there are things that have been ok but they are absolute fuck ups. All 3 children have had breakdowns and history of self harming behaviour, dh had the skills to work his out but the other two don't have functional relationships with spouses or their children either.

Ultimately dh will never be right, wrong job, wrong politics, wrong hobbies, wrong car and I am viewed as a radical feminist anarchist. They do see our parenting as good and I think they might feel that they have to compensate for DIL but who knows it's all weird codependency that does non of them any favours.

Ok they are odd, it makes them do some horrid things we can watch from a distance ...