Bad day - excuse the self pity

[Lostandfounddad]

So, today is the day my STBXW moves in with her boyfriend. It's been 2 years since she told me she was leaving me, and in that time they have broke up and got together again 5 times! They lived together briefly in her last place, but this time it's their place together. The thought of him being there all the time with my kids is, frankly, nauseating. They are my world, I've managed to tweak my work patterns so that I work full time but still manage to have them half the time. Yet still the thought of him being there, sharing all the special and even mundane moments, is abhorrent to me. I'm worried for the kids, as they need stability - this is my eldests 6th house, and she's only 4 and a half! And to add insult to injury, the worse thing is, I miss ex, even after all she's done to me.
I'm struggling with low mood (not using the d word) and between work, the kids and money troubles there is very little time for me. Stuck with feelings of failure and being trapped while ex gets merrily on with her life.
Hate the self pity, but just wanted to vent a little. I'm trying to break the cycle of low mood but having the 'everything's fine' mask on for kids and at work is tiring.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time OP. It sounds like a very difficult situation, and one that any caring dad would struggle with.

You do sound very down, and can I ask why you are reluctant to use the 'd' word? There is nothing weak about admitting you are depressed. It's a totally natural reaction to such circumstances! You really do sounds as if you could use some help right now; possibly a trip to the GP? Struggling on for your kids, and not looking after your own well being will take a terrible toll, and may eventually back fire. Do make your own health a priority. If you aren't at your best you can't be there for you children in the way you want/need to be. That is the way I would look at it.

As for your ex and the new man. Well they just sound like a match made in heaven Be comforted in the knowledge that when your kids grow older they will know that dad always put them first; whist mam was more interested in keeping a dodgy relationship alive.

You sound like a wonderful, caring dad and I am sure your children know this, and love you very much.

Infuriating knowing another man is playing happy families with your DCs but grit your teeth, as long as they are treated well and feel loved and secure with the adults in their lives that is a good thing.

Missing your ex in spite of everything that's happened sounds very normal.

Hope you can make some time for yourself between work and childcare. It sounds trite but good times will come again.

Terrible spelling/grammar there. I've just woken up!

What an utterly shit situation. Not much to say really. My ex has just told me he is remarrying and I veer between relief that I will be fully rid of him and utter fury that I will have to hand my kids over to be cared for by some random woman who comes from a pretty questionable background. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

When you're going through a tough time it can be counterproductive to put on an 'everything's fine' mask. If you pretend everything's fine, people who would otherwise support and help you, will think... everything's fine and leave you to it. Similarly if you think you have depression. It's not 'the D word'... it's an illness and it's treatable. The graveyards are full of people who would rather soldier on than seek treatment. Two years is a long time to be in a low mood.

Finally, you cannot influence your ex's life or the fact that your DCs will have a new adult male around. You can only make your relationship with your DCs as good as possible and be the best family you can be. It's tough but you have to think about the future rather than stay obsessed with the past.

I am aware I have a problem. Immediately after the break up I saw a counsellor for a time, and again more recently when I felt myself going downhill. Those were through work, and I've reached the maximum number of sessions I can have. I enrolled in a 'dealing with low mood course' a couple of weeks ago, I've been to a couple but I don't know if it's for me. All the advice makes sense but I struggle to implement/motivate myself. Also I'm the youngest in the class by about 15 years, which just makes me feel worse (stupid I realise, but true).
Feels a bit like life is on hold, and I'm not sure what I'm waiting for to kick start it again.

Age doesn't come into it. And you want to be on good form for your children so you absolutely have to address this. The analogy people use is, in an emergency situation on a plane you are told to get your own oxygen mask on first, so you can adequately care for minors depending on you.

Why not see your GP.

I can sympathize with you I split with my now ex wife just over a year ago after her affair...she soon met her 'soul mate' and moved in with him and my Dd and they are getting married next month. It is hard and you need to try and accept the situation, my exw new man comes on his own and picks my daughter up and he seems ok, to be honest I feel sorry for him the penny hasn't dropped yet.

I also have shared custody and make the most of my time with her and when she is at her mums I make the most of my time alone.

Don't dismiss the D word see a doctor you are going through a difficult time in your life and there is no shame in admitting that...

Herald

If/when you feel able, please take advantage of the half the time you don't have the kids. Do something for you. It'll keep your mind busy and hopefully might give you something to look forward to whilst you're on your own? Maybe something as an outlet for all the negative feelings.

I said if/when on purpose because I understand if you're feeling very low that you might not want to contemplate that sort of thing quite yet.

No other advice as I've not had to go through anything comparable (apart from the low mood/depression).
Listen to the wise mn women (and men if they come along...and are wise) and I hope things seem brighter sooner.

You have my sympathies. Nothing you can do about your ex wifes new man, but you can help yourself. Just tough actually doing it.

Get some help, work your way through it. Tomorrow anything can happen, endless possibilities!

On the plus side DD's first parents evening at school Very proud daddy

On the plus side DD's first parents evening at school Very proud daddy

That's really good, take one day at a time...enjoy your time with her , when you don't have her fill your time with some new interests I joined a meetup group made loads of new friends and It may take your mind of the situation for a few hours ....which can only be good for you.

Herald