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Original poster

AIBU to think friend should not have implied I am unworthy of a good relationship

27 replies

myearringsdontsuityou · 13/10/2014 23:50

I've been stewing on this for a little while. Have name changed as the people mentioned know I come on here and I don't want anybody reading my other posts.

important background, I'm in a great relationship, DP is genuinely a very good man. I can't have children, he decided he would like to be with me regardless of this fact and he would be happy to never have DC. We are planning to marry. I am open about the fact I am infertile and I don't have any hang ups around it, I'm completely comfortable with it.

I was talking with 2 friends, one single and wants children in the near future the other single and has a DC. We were on the subject of relationships in general when the first friend made a comment along the lines of how it was unfair for me to have a nice DP and that it's not as if I would be having children. I was a bit Hmm and it was probably obvious on my face. She then continued by saying that kind/reliable men should be looking to marry so they can start a family. Other friend agreed with her...

I felt a bit excluded at this point and changed the subject pretty quickly but it has been in the back of my mind ever since. It was almost as if she was saying either I didn't deserve DP or that somehow women who can't have/don't want children deserve less from a relationship or should be lumped with the men with issues/addiction/never grew up sorts Confused.

Would you let it go? Or would you say something?

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/10/2014 23:53

I would get some new friends.

scurryfunge · 13/10/2014 23:53

What hateful "friends" you have. Get rid.

Joysmum · 14/10/2014 00:08

What fuckwits. 3 out of my top 5 best friends have chosen not to have children, as of course have their partners. Not everyone wants to have kids.

sykadelic · 14/10/2014 00:17

I wouldn't bother saying anything to them

Ever again. Horrible "friends".

PlantsAndFlowers · 14/10/2014 00:29

Was she not just musing on the unfairness of life?

When I got married my DH was very keen on having children and I was much less so. I thought that life would be 'fairer' if some of my friends who were very keen to start families, had met someone like my DH in that respect before me.

Of course I changed my mind Grin.

I don't understand why you believe that her thinking means she thinks you are 'unworthy' of a good relationship.

That said, if friends make you feel bad, they aren't really friends.

Original poster
myearringsdontsuityou · 14/10/2014 00:45

I think you may be right about not talking to her or at least putting some distance there, I wasn't sure if I had made it into something bigger by thinking on it for a while. At the time I tried to just move on from the topic and carry on chatting about something else, I do think she may have been musing but after I had thought about it alone, it started to niggle.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 14/10/2014 00:47

Pity your friends who appear to feel only a life with children is of any value. Send them back to the 1950s. Find some friends who can think for themselves and who are less judgmental.

AlleyCat11 · 14/10/2014 00:56

Extremely insensitive considering your infertility. Of course you deserve to be happily married. I'm getting married to a great guy next year. We're not sure if we want kids. Both of us feel the same way. The fact doesn't change our relationship as we're in agreement. My aunties aren't happy though & they have said the same thing as your friends. "She might as well stay single!". Ignore them.

OydNeverDeclinesGin · 14/10/2014 01:03

Yes, you should stay single if you can't have kids, tis a disgrace for you to have this man, there are women in need!

The non sarky answer...stay friendless til you can find some better ones, you know, the ones that can just be happy for you.

azurepapallo · 14/10/2014 01:09

Appalling, thoughtless thing to say.

Time for some new friends definitely don't invite them to the wedding!!

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 14/10/2014 01:13

They were quite nasty weren't they? I don 't think I'd say anything, but I would def distance from them.

TsukuruTazaki · 14/10/2014 01:17

Really shit comment from the "friend" - very insensitive and just downright stupid

MexicanSpringtime · 14/10/2014 02:28

They sound envious OP. You must have got a good one. Another one thinking you maybe need to spend more time with nicer friends.

WildBillfemale · 14/10/2014 07:27

Prize cows the pair of them - get new friends

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/10/2014 08:25

When the wedding invitations go out they're going to think theirs got lost in the post.

I guess you were picking your jaw up from the ground or you'd have queried that ridiculous remark there and then.

HumblePieMonster · 14/10/2014 09:28

What horrible and unreasonable people your friends are. Ditch them and get some better ones.

Really, they were very hurtful and quite ridiculous in their opinion.

DistanceCall · 14/10/2014 09:42

Christ. So only women who want to have children or are able to have them deserve having good partners?

Your so-called friends are disgusting. Get rid, and be grateful that they showed their true colours so early on.

(And yes, obviously, they are green with envy).

kentishgirl · 14/10/2014 10:35

They are clearly very jealous that you've got such a lovely DP. And that jealousy has made them open their gobs in an unkind way. It's fair enough to have a moan about lack of decent men blah blah, but wrong of them to single out your DP and say he is wasted on you.

How good friends are you all? If old, good friends, they may be kicking themselves now for being such idiots.

Ask them if they really meant to say DP is wasted on you because you are infertile. Exact words. How they react will show you whether they are friends or not.

Heels99 · 14/10/2014 10:38

Horrible. They may find themselves with fertility issues it can happen to anyone. So should their partners leave them at that point?

Staywithme · 14/10/2014 10:55

When they ask why they haven't been invited to your wedding, you can tell them you didn't think they'd want to go since they didn't approve of you getting married. Fuckwits!

What a selfish twat, I must be, remaining married to poor DH for the past 22yrs. I'm infertile so therefore should have remained single. Maybe I should just move into a one room flat with my cats.

Maybe you should point out to them that they may be single because men don't like how judgemental they are.

hesterton · 14/10/2014 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
myearringsdontsuityou · 14/10/2014 11:06

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've been friends with these people for a couple of years, they aren't old friends. It was more the first friend to be honest and she was sort of asking second friend to agree with her after the comment about men marrying to have a family, "don't you think so X?" and looking over to her. I'm not sure if she just agreed because she didn't know what to say or if she genuinely agrees with first friend.

I think you are all right though, I need to stop spending so much time with these people.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 14/10/2014 11:49

Yeah, dump them. What a twattish thing to say. DP and I don't want children and I'd kick the arse of anyone who said or implied that we shouldn't be together if we weren't planning to reproduce.

DistanceCall · 14/10/2014 11:56

Some men want to have children. Some men don't. You know, the same way that some women want to have children and some don't.

Where do these women live, in the 14th century?

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut · 14/10/2014 12:00

Your stupid friend (who make the comment) is jealous of you. Your naive friend is spineless. And also stupid. And the first one is unpleasant.

I had a friend who implied I wasn't worthy of a decent relationship. Note the use of the word "had." We were friends for 20 years and my life is better for her absence. Basically, I dumped her.

In your shoes, I'd do the same. Make yourself less available and if you do see them, make those times fewer and farther between, and the meetings as short as you can. If they're as shallow and dim as they seem from the comment, they won't miss you - this, of course, is their loss.

And congrats on your upcoming wedding - to which these two twits will not be invited, right?