help please after effects of mediation with narcisstic

[greenberet]

attended yesterday although v emotional got through it -there was a psychotherapist and someone to help with stress. talked about arrangements for kids and were trying to agree on what we tell them - I asked DH outright if affair still going on as feel kids (teens) have right to know - he skirted round issue by saying still sees & speaks to her through work but feels some things can be kept private from kids. Divorce papers are to be issued assuming affair still continuing but he disputed that they say this. as i didnt have copy with me didn't force this but have checked today & they definately say affair continuing. I was ok this morning but suddenly feel I am going through the emotions all over again and can't function with the added complication of what I can now say to the kids. Kids hated him when they first found out & Im not sure how they will feel if they know still going on - they may not actually want to see him & i think he is deliberately not saying anything because of this. He won't talk to them unless they ask & they won't ask and I now feel stuck in the middle. I feel they have a right to know but if i tell them this goes against what was trying to be achieved yesterday - I'm a mess again and doubting my own mind not sure if can get advice from those there yesterday.

Sounds as if he is still in the affair although perhaps loosing interest, so already detaching from that situation mentally. I think your kids already know about the affair from what you said, so not hugely sure how helpful it would be to bring it up again? It won't matter to them how long it went on for in years to come - he did it, which is what counts. For you included. Please don't get caught up in the why's/ifs/maybe's at this point. Sounds as though he is playing a game again with you by giving that info, which is making you insecure all over again.
Bottom line is he is an arse and whatever he says shouldn't affect you now you can see him for what he really is.
Kids however need to be able to speak honestly about what THEY want, and you being openly unstable about it may make them feel awkward if they do want to see him. If they do want to see him, it isn't a reflection on you, just that they miss a parent. However it does sound as though they have washed their hands. I suppose I want you to really listen to them and try not to let them see how much it could hurt you if they wanted to see him. If they really don't then you can rest safe in the knowledge that you didn't influence that at all.

"feels some things can be kept private from kids"

Tell your kids. They're teenagers, not tinies. You don't have to go into gory details but you're entitled to be honest and they're entitled not to be lied to. It'll also explain why you're so upset. Keeping things private is just another way of saying 'don't tell on me'..... I don't think you owe him that.

Personally, I wouldn't proactively give affair status updates to your children, unless they ask. I would try and keep them out of it. Your relationship with their father and their relationship with their father is separate, yes the breakdown of your marriage affects them but not in the same way it affects you. You're children aren't allies.

God, didn't mean to sound preachy but I'm currently in mediation with my arse of an Ex and what I've learnt (frustratingly belatedly) is that nothing I say or do will stop him being an arse. The parenting plan I have presented is a list of expectations and the clear repercussions of failing to abide by them. My energies are better spent on helping my daughter manage her expectations of her father and to reiterate that his poor behaviour is no reflection on her.

I'm slightly confused are you definitely getting divorced? Or is the divorce dependent on the status of his affair?

I am also divorcing a narcissist, I found mediation to be awful, he just used it as a tool to try belittle me in from of a third party.
Luckily everyone can see him for what he is, but it still takes it's toll emotionally.
The best thing I ever did was - after 2 hectic sessions of mediation - say I am getting a lawyer. Now she fights my fights for me, and he is shitting himself, and trying to manipulate me in any way he can to get what he wants, and I can just revert him to my lawyer.
My kids are a lot younger than yours so we haven't told them about the affair, but I think they want their kids to think they are heroes so want to minimize their wrong doing.
In my opinion your kids are old enough to know he is with someone else, but not necessarily that is was an affair, or anything sordid. But let them ask, or perhaps say something to them like " I know how hard this is for you, if there is anything you want to ask me, or talk to me about I will always be here for you", so let them think it is OK to speak about it?
And, what has taken me a long time to work out: don't allow yourself to be put in the middle. Let him make his mistakes, don't soften anything for him.
Just be there for your kids, they will figure it all out.