Hi everyone, I'm not sure what I hope to get out of posting here but my head is all over the place and the girls at work have heard enough about my relationship woes! This will be long, I'm sorry.
Basically, DP and I have been together for two and a bit years, we rent a flat (in his name, I moved in after him) and we have a dog but no kids. We're both 24. We are completely separate financially. I met him online a few years ago but neither of us were ready for anything serious, so we kept it light with chatting on Facebook and the occasional text. Finally we decided to go on a date but he lived 50 miles away so, as things progressed, we could only see each other at weekends due to our working hours. I was living in a horrible flatshare with a horrible flatmate, so when my tenancy was coming to an end a year after we started seeing each other, DP suggested that I look for a new job out by his flat. I quickly found a good job and within a month I was living with him. Things were good at first but I noticed that things weren't as good in the bedroom as I'd imagined they would be, as we'd had a very good sex life previous to this. Don't get me wrong, I didn't imagine Olympic sessions at all hours of the day and night just because we lived together but it was pretty much once a week, tapering off until we weren't having sex at all and he wasn't bringing it up. We've talked about it and I've tried absolutely everything from lingerie to pushing him about it to leaving him to have his space. I've done everything he has asked and he puts it down to stress-induced ED, but he point blank refuses to get any help. On the odd occasions he is in the mood, he is happy to engage in foreplay but never full sex. We've had proper sex twice in 2014 so far. I've tried initiating it and his exact words were, "can you not see that the signals aren't there? You're just embarrassing both of us." I was mortified and so hurt.
Aside from that issue, things were okay. I was willing to wait for him to work through his issues and we had a few promising talks but nothing came of them. It was almost as though he felt relieved, like he'd gotten me off his back for another few weeks. I've (shamefully) checked his phone and can't find anything that would suggest cheating but he has admitted to masturbating (sorry, TMI), which I don't understand. He doesn't want it with me but he will do it by himself?
I have had a slow, bubbling resentment for the past year regarding his laziness. He does absolutely nothing around the house, even when begged, and if he does deign to help out, it has to be on his schedule. He says that I secretly love it when he doesn't do housework because it "gives me something to moan about". He knows that it is a major bone of contention with me and I've actually been in tears with the stress of it all. I work full time, I'm now in college 6-9pm two nights a week, I do bootcamp classes when I can, I do the food shop, I cook, I wash up, I clean, I do laundry and he sits in his pants playing FIFA. He is a postman so he is home from 3pm, but claims he is too tired to do anything when he first gets home.
Finally, it all came to a head on Thursday last week. I had a really busy work/college week and didn't manage to get to bootcamp until Saturday morning. We are going to New York next month and we are both looking to lose a bit of weight, but he relies heavily on me to keep him track, because he seems to have no will power at all. He kept asking all week when I'd be at bootcamp and when, by Thursday, I said that college that night was the final session before my first assessment so I'd be focusing on that, he completely lost his shit. He said that it was a "poor effort" on my part, clearly I didn't want to lose weight as much as I said I did, it would ruin his holiday because I'd spend it all moaning about how uncomfortable I was, I should find some other time in the day to exercise (When? Around the cooking and cleaning and studying and working?!), I was probably avoiding it because I was secretly eating junk at work... blah blah. He asked if I'd weighed myself and I said yes, so he said, "and that's not motivating enough for you?", which was a horrible comment. I started to cry and he groaned and said, "oh for god's sake, why are you crying?! I wondered when the waterworks would appear...". He insists that I only cry to make him feel bad and "win" the argument.
I walked out and went to work without saying anything. He texted me at lunchtime that day, apologising profusely and asking if I could get Friday off work because he wanted to make it up to me. We spoke at length and spoke again when I got home, laying down some ground rules and making it clear that he couldn't speak to me that way. We agreed on weekly date nights because we never, ever leave the flat together. I told him that it sometimes feels as though he doesn't actually like me very much but he assured me that is not the case. He was full of good intentions and things seemed okay, but by Saturday he was back to starting arguments over stupid stuff. He did it again yesterday, and it's like a lightbulb has gone on in my head. I keep thinking of all the controlling things he has done in the past (asking me to wear contacts when we go on dates because he doesn't like glasses, asking me not to change my hair colour, telling me when clothes aren't "flattering"). We feel like bad flatmates right now and I have no idea what I feel for him anymore. I do love him but I don't think our relationship is very good. I dropped everything to be here, I have no friends here even a year later, my work are paying for college which means I have to stay with them for three years after the course finishes (in 18 months!) or I have to pay them back. We are going to NYC and he owes me £1000 for his half of that, plus half of the new couch which is due to be paid in April. I would have to leave because the flat is in his name but it kills me to think of leaving the dog, and I can't imagine giving him to people I don't know. Neither of our parents would have him but I couldn't take him to a flatshare and DP wouldn't have him alone. I know a dog isn't a reason to stay but not having him would make things a lot easier.
Sorry for this being so long, it just helps to get my thoughts down. I've made so many sacrifices to be here but I don't feel like I'm getting anything back from him.