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Original poster

Does this mean I'm not ready?!

12 replies

2014isagoodyear · 13/10/2014 10:46

Met first new guy after STBXH of 17 years unexpectedly left this time last year. Things were tough but trying to move on. So first romantic weekend away this weekend (yes it was me who took my period before leaving) and things were comfortable it did not feel awkward both of us wanting each other ect.. We DTD and the problem is he is not my STBXH he's smaller and it was different. Now I know it's going to be all of those things with someone else but if it was right with someone else would I have noticed the differences or can I not see he is right because I am comparing him to someone I was with for the longest time. I really do like him, will it just take time or should it have been amazing first time? Should I be thinking of my XH more than my new BF?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 10:50

If you've been with someone for 17 years, the next cab off the rank is going to feel strange by comparison. Whether you're 'ready' or not is really impossible to say. However, it might help to work out what you want from your current boyfriend. Do you hanker after being a couple? Do you just want some fun? Are you struggling with independence? Is he an ego-boost?

Original poster
2014isagoodyear · 13/10/2014 11:04

Cogito he is an ego boost. It's nice to be wanted after someone leaves you! I think I want a relationship again. The earth moved with my XH it didn't at the weekend!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 11:11

I understand exactly what you mean. This is the beauty of dating vs the long-term relationship. You can enjoy the ego boost, have a bit of fun, and part ways when you're tired of them. You may have had enough already, I don't know.

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2014 11:14

I don't think sex is usually 'amazing first time'. It's usually an awkward fumble where you don't know what each other likes or how best to ask for what you like. So it's hardly surprising if it was a bit of an anticlimax.

Give it a bit of time, and be honest about what works well for you, and see where things lead.

Original poster
2014isagoodyear · 13/10/2014 11:16

My friend said I should be looking for different things this time around and maybe sex should not be so high on the list as we are nearly 50. Not to look overlook all the good qualities he has.

OP posts:
StopStalkingMe · 13/10/2014 13:15

It sounds like he will be good for now, maybe as a rebound? You don't sound like you are totally ready for a 'relationship', if I'm honest. That's ok. One year on from a 17 year relationship isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. Enjoy it for what it's worth, but if the spark isn't there, then it isn't there. Don't force it or prolong it waiting for it to happen.

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2014 13:16

If sex is high on your personal list of what you want out of a relationship, then I don't think you should lower that priority because of what anyone else thinks.

At the moment, what you are looking for is an ego boost - if part of that is enjoying the physical side with someone who isn't your ex, then you might as well be honest with yourself about that. Just give it a fair try before you decide it's not going to work!

It's all very well for other people to think what you ought to want is pleasant companionship into old age, and maybe in time that's something you'll decide you do want, but if that's all you wanted, it would be easier to buy a dog...

I'm not that far short of 50 either, and I'm not ready to give up on fireworks just for "nice"...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 14:05

I hope you gave your 'friend' a very withering look after that remark. I turn 50 in a few months and not ready to trade in the fishnets and stilettos for comfy slippers and a blue rinse just yet!

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 13/10/2014 17:34

After being with XH for 14 years it was weird being with my new DP too. In fairness, it wasn't brilliant, but as we got to know each other and learned what each other enjoyed our sex life far surpassed anything either of us has had before. Don't write it off after one weekend. The awkwardness will go once it's not 'new' and you'll find out if you're compatible.

itwillgetbettersoon · 13/10/2014 17:53

I'm nearly 50 and have just started a new relationship. I hope I've not missed the firework show!! I too am not ready to slow down and not enjoy sex!!!

Joysmum · 13/10/2014 18:04

My first time with my DH was decidedly average.

Now it's brilliant. That's because we both know what each other like and only experience together will get you that.

If either of us went with the best lover in the world, it still wouldn't be as good as that person won't have been trained up to please us Wink

PiperRose · 14/10/2014 07:28

I find that my earth moving moments come (excuse the pun) when I been having sex with someone after a certain period of time, when we've both learned what happens when and how we touch what and know what turns each other on. Please don't let a disappointing first time put you off, unless it was absolutely terrible and you can't see a way forward.

5 years ago I came out of a 15 year relationship and I was terrified of having sex with anyone else. My answer was to enlist the help of a friend to 'help me get back on the horse', once I'd done that then I felt I could out that fear aside and just get on with it. You may be right, you may not be ready but if I was you I'd give it another go to see if your first instinct was right. (Then maybe again, just to make sure Wink )

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