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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice anyone x

7 replies

Bramblefairy · 13/10/2014 10:36

Hi. I'm looking for some advice. Things between my hubby & I have not been right for a while now, I don't like his attitude to me or our kids, he shouts at everything and everyone. He blows everything out of proportion and he has to be always right. For example we went away on holiday, our youngest who is 6 didn't want to go down the water slide, considering his only just learnt to swim I can't say I blame him I said to hubby leave him be he will go down it when his ready. Next thing I know I hear a child screaming I look over to slide to see hubby trying to force our 6 year old down it. I went over and said what are you doing he doesn't want to? To which he replies your always babying him his going to turn out gay! I took hold of our son and said he didn't have to if he didn't want to. My husband then shouts at me in front of everyone saying I always undermine him and he might as well not be with us, he then goes off saying his getting out the pool, but he ends up hiding behind a pillar in the pool Pathetic!
Well after getting back from holiday ( hubby works away for two weeks then home for two). I receive a bouquet of flowers with a note saying his sorry.
Well knowing my hubby he never sends flowers which started me off thinking and I logged into his emails to find nothing, from there I went to Twitter, went into his messages to find his been messaging three women all showing topless or knickers profile pics. Reading through messages there all sexual about what they'd do in bed etc. I wasn't really to shocked as his done it a few years ago before on a dating site he swore he'd never do it again. Well now I've found this, I thought he'd only been doing it recently but there's tweets and messages go back over a year.
I've not confronted him with it yet, I'm not sure what to do anymore, I don't really want to be with him, but don't want to hurt him, but I've really had enough of his attitude the way he talks to me & kids. Just feel so alone and stuck. Help xx

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 10:41

"don't want to hurt him"

Pity he doesn't feel the same way about you or his children, isn't it? Sorry you're with such a faithless bully. I tend to think, when things have broken down quite this badly, that you have to have an idea in your head about where things are going before you confront rather than confronting and having no plan for the future. If you don't want to be with him, take some legal advice, get some moral & practical support, work out what you want to happen next and then present him with the whole thing together.

Good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2014 10:46

You do not want to be with him - well that is your answer really. You also state that you do not want to hurt him but he's certainly doing his bit here to cower both you and your children. He's never given any of you due consideration; its been all about him and his needs all the time.

Why are you actually together at all now; what do you get out of this relationship now?.

Is this really the role model of a relationship that you want to be teaching your children?.

Your H comes across as a bully who has also not been above using dating sites whilst still being married to you. His attitude to you all as well is appalling.

Seek legal advice asap and make plans to separate from this individual before he drags you and your children further down with him.

Bramblefairy · 13/10/2014 11:00

To be honest I think I'm with him for the security,, I don't work & I live away from any friends or family apart from our children I don't really have anyone. I don't want to have to move or upset the whole family. I think I need a kick up butt.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 11:06

Maybe a first step is to get yourself a job, make new friends and start relying on yourself more? No amount of security is worth subjecting your DCs to a bully.

Monny · 13/10/2014 11:06

Hi Bramblefairy, didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry about your situation. He's sounds pretty awful and one thing I have learned from my life (18 years), awful stays awful and just gets more awful in spite of all the 'sorrys'.

I can also echo that feeling of feeling alone and stuck. Sometimes getting practical can help you feel less stuck. Like CogitoErgoSometimes says, get some advice. Knowing where I stand has helped me feel so much better and less alone (and trapped). Good luck with whatever you decide.

Monny · 13/10/2014 11:08

PS - I am in the process of planning my own escape from a bully.

Quitelikely · 13/10/2014 11:22

If I was you I would consider moving back to where your friends and family are.

I would also consider retraining in a good career at the expense of your husband whilst at the same time emotionally detaching from him.

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