I have always felt really guilty about an ow type 'relationship' I had when I was about 14/15 and I have never really spoken about it.
When I was 14/15 I used to volunteer at a kids summer camp and one of the main leaders who was around 23 was quite good-looking. I had a crush on him although it was kinda like someone fancies a pop star. I had never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone, although a lot of my friends had, and I was very innocent.
Anyway he started to come and chat to me after the kids had gone and would ask me loads of questions and was a really good listener, I knew at this time he had a fiancé but was flattered by the attention. It was all quite innocent to start with although I soon became infatuated. At the end of the week he gave me his number and email address and said I was a really good friend and could we keep in contact. My best friend said he was being creepy wanting to be friends with a 15 year old but I thought she was jealous.
We continued emailing/msning/phoning etc all year and our conversations got increasingly more sexual. He was suppose to be getting married and yet he was saying stuff like we should meet up before and I wish I could invite you to the wedding, I could marry you instead.
They got married and this continued and I sarted feeling like it was innappropriate and he said ah we are just friends, my wife knows about you and she is fine with it, relax! I cannot believe she knew about the sexual conversations we used to have! Or the ones where he said he wanted to marry me and me have his babies!
We eventually did meet up although my friends who I am eternally grateful for, made sure we met up in a park while they were roaming around and not a hotel 'just incase' we chatted he held my hands and said he said had never felt this way about anyone before but I was so young and it was wrong, he tried to kiss me but all I could focus on was his wedding ring and how wrong this was I felt really quite uncomfortable at that point, I said I feel bad for your wife and then left although not without him giving me a lingering hug.
To my shame we continued to talk for 3 years although I would change the subject when he tried to talk about sex - although he still tried and made comments about how I was so special to him. I never agreed to meet up again. I used to text him when I felt down and he was massive ego boost. I don't think I ever thought I loved him though, was flattered but in my head thought I don't want to be with someone who could do this to his wife.
At 18 I got my first b/f and emailed him saying we can't email anymore it's unfair on my b/f he still tried but I ignored him, he emailed me 3 years later to tell me his wife was pregnant and he wanted to let special friends know! I am so cross/guilty with myself that the only reason I ended it was because I had a b/f not because he had a wife!
I know nothing physical really happened (although I'm pretty sure it would have if I had let him/we didn't live miles apart) but I feel so guilty that I was the ow and was involved in an emotional affair! Reading these boards had made me feel so guilty at how his poor wife felt and that I am horrible person to be involved in something like that, that at 15 I should have known better, and I feel like I almost did but it was so addictive. I felt completely sucked in. Once I stopped talking to him I actually felt nothing but relief and actually started to get some healthy confidence. My b/f was amazing and we had so much fun together and I thought why did I put up with this other guys sloppy seconds!
But there is a part of me recently that thinks maybe he was grooming me? I'm not sure if it makes a difference but I think it would make me feel a little less confused about the whole incident and help me make peace with myself if I knew either way.
Sorry this is so long! Thanks if you have managed to read all of this!