How would you deal with a jealous sister in law?

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Dont want to go into too many details incase anyone in the real world recognises, My husbands sister who I do get on great with we go through phases of been really close eg nights out, shopping etc!!

She is not particually close to her mum (my mother in law) shes got issues regarding her biological father, she suddenly turned on husbands mum and dad about 10 years ago after getting to know her real dad. There relationships have been rocky for as long as ive known them.

Now last week I went on a shopping trip with my mother in law I was mainly buying for the children but she treated me to some new boots and also bought the children hallowean outfits, later that day my husband jokingly put a status on facebook saying not fair how his mum takes us shopping and leaves her only son out by not buying him anything he was of course only joking, but his sister commented and put dont worry me or kids never get anything either. He did quickly delete status when he realised it may of caused a problem but too late she had seen. I messaged her and told her her mother had bought her children a few bits aswell - as far as I know they are never left out.

Today she has found out mother in law had our children over night on Friday night, we hadnt made an issue of it as such but we went out for a meal and few drinks and we did take a couple of pictures so im guessing she put 2 and 2 together, she was ranting that her step dad wont have her kids there which isnt the case at all, there was a fall out a while back over one of her children having an accident while there and its been a mutual decision on both parts as far as I can see.

Now like I say I love my sister in law I think she has issues which need dealing with which I am sympathetic of but everytime it seems she has these childish jealous moments and she seems to take it out on us like I said to my husband I just cant be arsed anymore. Its been going on for years Shes 33 ffs and mother to teenagers. I feel like we shouldnt be having to keep nights out secret just so she doesnt think her mum has child minded. We have both told her until we are blue in the face if there is problems take it up with her mum not us, but feel like we are going round in circles. WTF are you supposed to do in this situation?

I wouldn't do too much but tbf you know there are problems there so try to be mindful of this when you are going to do something that might cause tension.

She is probably jealous that you are getting the benefits of her mother and she isn't or perhaps she feels like your dh is the favourite.

Of course you could just carry on as you are but personally I think it's best to be a bit sensitive around certain things.

We deffinately dont want any tension and yes she thinks my husband is the blue eyed boy and tbh he is a mummys boy but think due to medical problems as a youngster, hes also his fathers only child and I do think hes always had more than what shes had which can see will cause problems in any family. I think personally from my pov I just want her to know that whatever issues she has with her mum its nothing to do with us and dont want to get in the middle

If your SIL has teenage DC at only thirty-three, she must have had them rather young. I mention this because (and this is only a guess),if your PIL were unsupportive, or their support came with a side of condemnation, when she had her DC, it might incense her now to see them dote upon her brother's (the "good" sibling?) DC.

Teenagers don't require much in the way of hands on care, could you offer to watch her DC to let her have an evening out too?

I agree with Sweet

Also, unfortunately, I think you are in the middle already.
If you knew your MIL buying you things would upset your SIL why did you let her buy them you?
Personally if I knew there was obvious favouritism towards me I wouldn't allow it if it clearly affected somebody else's feelings.
You have said she has issues with her mother, well don't let her mother use you in this way.

Well her kids are 15, 12 and then she has 2 under 10 and then she has her teenage step children there alot. I think they have supported her it sounds like they had been a big help to her in the past its her husband they have a problem with which then resulted in her getting to know her biological dad and thats when the problems started. Mother in law was 17 when she had her so I dont think the teenage mother role would of been a problem

We have had sleep overs before with the children but I have 5 children its far too chaotic so we stopped them my children find the younger 2 a bit too in your face aswell. And my daughter whos 8 (from previous relationship) just clashes with her daughter of same age its too hard work

Gloria, I dont think her mother is using me to get at her at all she is very generous always spends alot on everyone at Christmas daughter and her children included. Its not often she buys me something personally I just mentioned I liked them and wanted to come back for them when I have some money and she offered I felt bad for accepting and offered to pay her back next week but she insisted.

I am in the middle already and want to get out of it, I am very close to my mother in law though she hAs done more for me than my own mother has done in regards to helping us with the children, my depression etc etc

I think this is entirely between your SIL and your MIL to resolve. Whether you accept gifts or not, it won't make any difference to either their relationship or her insecurities.

While I agree this is between MIL and SIL I would urge you not to shit stir or flaunt your closeness if you really do care about your SIL. There is a whole lot of history there that was before your time and I am guessing you have heard a fairly one-sided version of it. Your SIL will have a very different account of what happened in the past.

Trust me on this. I have been your SIL. My SIL has been shipped into my mother's affections like a replacement for me because I have stopped jumping to my mother's tune. I have very complex feelings about this and I work very hard not to blame my SIL for this. She's being manipulated but she doesn't see that. She will down the line though.

I'm not saying your MIL is like my mum. I'm just saying try and be sensitive.

Thank you for your advice. I am trying to be sensitive and not purpously stirring its just hard sometimes to keep things out of her ears, example we went out Friday night we never once mentined to anyone she was having our youngest 4 children but she knew. I think aswell mother in law is putting things on facebook not this particular timer but in the past she has posted pics of the kids who are obviously sleeping over.

We would love to to leave them to their own little fall outs but when sister in law is then contacting us and been stroppy with us its bit hard to stay out of it, although we dont get involved as such I will try and tell her its between them not us. I think she thinks my husband is putting demands on his mum which he isnt both she and his dad offer us things. Eg they were getting a new fridge freezer and gave it us her argument was we didnt even need a new one and hers is on its last legs I dont know why they never asked her if she wanted it but we gave her our old one which she then through away saying it wasnt big enough.

There are lots of different issues and I guess I just want tips on how I can be more assertive and get myself out of the middle, without stopping contact with mother in law I dont see these problems easing any time soon

Have you told your mil how these things are affecting her daughter and how the fallout from it all comes back on to you?

If there is blatant favouritism going on then your mil IMO isn't the wonderful woman you claim she is. Yes she's wonderful to you but watch out if she can do it to her own daughter she will have no problem doing it to you either

I would say just don't get involved. Honestly you are most definitely hearing a very different account of things from your dh than your sil would give. Point of view is huge.
Anyway it's none of your business and it's not your problem. I would try not to shit stir, and tell your husband not to stick up posts like that on facebook in the future as you are aware its a touchy subject and you would rather stay out of it. However if a post does appear and she makes a comment as mentioned in your OP, just ignore it. NOT your problem, it may have been about your mil buying things for you but it wasn't addressed directly to you nor was it aimed at you so just don't pass comment.
If she calls you up giving out that she's hurt because she knows her mum did/bought X, Y or Z for you then you have to respond, but you can always just say "Gosh, I don't know what to say to you. If you're upset maybe you should talk to your mum about it". If she responds with a rant that there's no point as she won't listen etc you just say "Right. Whatever you think yourself, you know your relationship with your mum best". All said in a very nice "hope you're ok hun" tone but completely non committal and don't get drawn in.

It's the only way

Well I guess she has bought you new boots and not her daughter, so she may well feel justified to,think she has been treated less favourably than you. Stop posting about things on FB! E.g the gifts, the meal out etc, this is clearly making it worse. Sounds like she has reason to be fed up?