Helping elderly relatives

[GnomeDePlume]

I am looking to get some perspectives from wise MNetters who have been in this situation before us.

PiL are now in their early 80s. In the course of the last few months MiL's health has declined both physically and mentally. The physical is being managed. TBH she has never been an athlete but on the positive side she isnt a smoker or drinker so her biscuit habit hasnt been the problem it could have been.

The big issue is her mental health. She is getting very forgetful. She is starting to get a little childish in some of her behaviours.

FiL is coping ATM. He is dealing with everything in the home and is still able to drive.

DH and his DBs want to start to plan now how to help their parents. They are keen to not wait until there is a crisis before they recognise the problems.

Have MNetters been here before us? What steps should DH and his DBs be looking to take now? They arent looking to go behind FiL's back but he is proud and will not want to say that there is a problem even if there is one. There is also the concern about what would happen if FiL were to be taken ill.

Any thoughts or advice very gratefully received.

What we did was look at the kind of help that FIL was prepared to accept and then go from there. Would he accept a cleaner coming in every day to ostensibly do the cleaning and odd jobs, but also check on both of them (even though you would not tell them that?)

With my ILs we didn't live close so we paid a neighbour who they liked, who was also a cleaner to go in and help them with some jobs at 10am every morning. She bought FIL's daily paper, she cleaned a different room each day etc. She was able to alert us if anything was slightly off and then we could know - without it ever being obvious that we were checking on them.

It sounds very early. Like others said, I would just suggest household help at this stage.

If someone in the family could do an online shop for them every week (using their list so they get their favourite things) it would help. With their permission of course - your FIL may enjoy a weekly mooch around the supermarket, some people do.

Hoovering, laundry and dusting - those things build up quickly and can really stress elderly people out.

Tbh, you cannot really shove in and tell your FIL how he should be living if he is perfectly healthy. He may be old but he can still manage.

Have you thought about power of attorney?

Maybe see if you can arrange for their shopping to be done also? Or basically anything that might cause FIL to use his car. I also had a relative in his early 80s, formerly a quite superb driver, whose driving skills suddenly and quite dramatically deteriorated - slightly a sight issue but also significanty related to his memory, road perception and reaction times - to the point that he was suddenly becoming quite dangerous (we thought.)

We found it initially difficult to persuade him to relinquish the car because it was a big symbol to him of his independence and he was also able, until close to his death, to put on a very good front in the face of any medical or official personnel. We therefore manoeuvred for a short while so that he never actually needed to use it and that worked better than we could have hoped.

DH is certainly not looking to barge in and start giving help which is neither wanted or needed.

At the moment FiL is keeping on top of housework and cooking etc.

What we are concerned about is preparing for a time when we may need to give help quickly:

• what do we do, who do we contact if FiL were to become ill and MiL needed care?
• do we have to look into how we get power of attorney if FiL were to keel over?
• are there things we should be thinking about or doing now so that it will be a smoother step into helping more?

We are really just wanting to prepare ourselves.

JeanSeberg - yes I think that is something we need to look into.

cozietoesie - that is a good point about driving

It is the risk of their situation suddenly changing that we want to consider. We have seen this with other family members, everything being fine until quite suddenly it isnt.

Gransnet were wonderfully supportive and informative when I first found myself involved in elderly care.

We were very lucky as our parents sat us down and had 'the talk' with us when DF's health started declining (he had a neuromuscular disease). They explained their financial status, what they wanted as far as if/when they became too ill to manage their home. DF passed away at home but we've had to move DM to an assisted living due to dementia. It make it easier knowing what their finances were ahead of time and that Mum had told us that she wanted to move to a senior home when the time came she could no longer live alone.

I'd suggest talking to them in terms of 'the distant future' rather than in terms of MiL's current situation. Asking what they would want or expect 'someday' from their children so everyone can be prepared shouldn't be taken the wrong way by FiL, hopefully.

Agree with across if you can have this talk.

I'd also add that you may need to be establishing some agreement among yourselves about sharing the load and cooperating. Its amazing how often families make assumptions about x doing everything because they live closest or similar. If possible, you all need to be visiting regularly and gently, gradually, getting them used to accepting help. Things like accompanying them to appointments, helping them to maintain outside interests, keeping the world from closing in on them.

Thank you for the advice. Our concern is that if Fil stumbles it is both he and MiL who will fall. MiL hasnt had to so much as make a cup of tea for herself for many months. If FiL were to be taken ill for even for a few days then MiL would struggle.

Good suggestion to have the talk with FiL soon but couched in terms of the distant future rather than immediate future.

Deck has a good point! After 'the talk' you and your siblings need to have a talk amongst yourselves. In our case, I was the only one 'local' so things fell to me until DB moved back from Mexico after DF died. Then he did the majority as he was living with Mum. Sis lived 900 miles away.

But, when my grandparents began to fail, my 3 uncles just assumed that my mum and my aunt should shoulder the burden. They just kept on with their happy lives whilst their sisters did double-duty caring for their own families plus doing it all for their parents. My DF and Auntie's DH had a 'heated discussion' with the uncles who only then began to pull their weight!

Thank you for the advice. DH & his brothers have had the first conversation. They will be discussing with FiL as they dont want to go behind his back.

Early days yet but at least they have all started talking.