Separating. My daughter is angry with me. Anyone been there?

[GoMe]

To cut a long story short, we are separating and STBX is moving at the end of the month. This is the best decision as I have no love for him anymore and all the other good feelings are rapidly eroding due to his behaviour.

Problem is: he never took it very well and had said really bad things to our 7 years old daughter (I don't love her either / I will kick her out too)...he also is manipulating her by crying, being very sad in front of her saying he is hurting and will never be able to recover...I am a bad person etc...
Also he is making a point to undermine my parenting and ridicule everything I do, say etc. He also minimises his own behaviour (excessive drinking and occasional nastiness) so my daughter is very confuse with it all since I don't play the game and don't say bad things about her dad to her...so she thinks I am the bad one since no one point to her his faults.

He always liked to play the role of the 'good cop' and it is getting worse: I am the only one imposing discipline, nice behaviour, bed time, home work, healthy habits etc, whilst he is exaggerating on TV time, presents, sweets and chocolates, crap food and pretty much defending her when she is rude.

I know she is going through a difficult time but he is making it worse.
We have a appointment with a psychologist soon as I begged my GP to refer us, but this is going to be during the half term.

I am just looking for suggestions how to handle it better for my daughter's sake. Confronting him is out of equation as I don't want to make the atmosphere even worse and he won't move before October is finished.
I am lucky he is moving at all.

TIA

What a nasty prick.

My only advice is to keep doing as you are doing, it's the best and only way. You are being a decent, loving parent and he is being an abusive fuckwit. As your daughter gets older she will see for herself what he's like and she will understand how much effort you put in to maintaining stability for her.

I would say though that if she does ask you anything about her dad or about what's going on, don't lie or try to make him look good. Just be very matter of fact about it - "Daddy isn't happy about us splitting up so he is behaving very badly and having a tantrum. It's silly behaviour and you don't have to put up with it, nor do I."

It might be worth having a talk to her about the whole thing too. Ask her how she feels, see what she says. Acknowledge her fears and do your best to reassure her that no matter what you will always be there and you will never kick her out.

Get him out as quickly as you can.

Get the professional help your dd needs, no matter how long it takes.

Tell her you love her at every available opportunity. You can not stop his manipulative behaviour but you can dilute it my reassuring her that you love her unconditionally.

I knew a woman who was in the very same position as you. Her ex was awful and even after he left, he tried every trick in the book to sabotage the relationship between mother and daughter. I was very worried that he would succeed. But the mother played the long game. She was calm, steady and loving throughout. She never bad mouthed the father to the dd although she had many, many reasons to do so.

The dd has grown into a lovely, confident young woman who has a very close and secure relationship with her mother. They weathered the storm together.

The father? Not interested now that the dd is able to form her own opinions.

Stay strong, play the long game. Love your dd unconditionally and tell and show her so frequently.

But get him out as quick as possible, even if it means biting your tongue now. How can you be sure he will leave?

Take a deep breath and do what you have to do anyway. My x is the world's biggest martyr too and no novice to manipulation techniques. You just have to go ahead, separate and endure the upset. Start your new life sooner rather than later.

Be reassured that your dd will inevitably see in time that you are a more reasonable person to deal with. Without being able to articulate it precisely she'll knwo that she can be herself around you. Pretty soon she'll experience the reality that her father is amiable enough if she does what he says, agrees with him etc.... \My kids sense that their father is a tricky character.

I have raised my children to believe that if you're unhappy in a relationship you are entitled to leave, and should leave! I am raising them to believe that a partner should make life happiER not hardER. So, 'the truth' that my x used to threaten to tell them there's nothing he could say now that would make them think badly of me. "you're mother left me for no reason". Is that it? they'll think.

I just tell her that we are not making each other happy anymore and when you are not happy in a relationship you shouldn't stay. Also I tell her that daddy drinks too much beer and his behaviour changes after the drinking, and this makes me very unhappy too.

I am sure he will move as the deposit is paid and it is all organised, he is packing etc...he is taking everything he wants but don't even need, even the stuff we bought together as a couple. I don't care, I just want him to go. Today he tried to take stuff that I bought to myself before the marriage and even tried to take some of the LL's stuff. And this was the person that I once thought was the most generous guy in the world.