What a mess ....

[Arlagirl]

I have namechanged here.
DH and I been together 20 years, dcs 18 and 15. Both in our mid fifties.
We lead separate lives....don't do much together apart from go out once a month for a drink/meal.
He is a good dad, generous, and works hard. But suffers with depression and anxiety, so much so that 8 years ago I was so unhappy I almost walked out. He would be moody, verbally nasty, belittling me. Anyway he had therapy, went on sertraline and has been better. But occasionally there are lashes of the old him and he tells me I'm a freeloader, and I bleed him dry.

I have gradually realised this year that I can't do this for the next 25 years. He doesn't stimulate me mentally, we have had sex three times this year. I dread going to bed with him as I don't want him to make advances.
I am just not interested in sex, with him or anyone else.

About a month ago we went out for a drink and out of the blue he asked if there was a future for us. I said no....
He said he knew things hadn't been right for years.
We decided that we would try and stick together till dcs both leave school (3 years). I told him that I didn't love him and that I didn't want a physical relationship.

Since then he's been seeing a therapist and has veered between being calm and accepting to downright nasty and verbally abusive. Asked me if I was gay. Told me I must be depressed.

Two nights ago he tried to kiss me...I backed away. He said he couldn't have no physical contact me and so the best thing would be for it to be over.
His plan is that he would take out bridging loan to buy place for me and kids, he would put our house on market and then fuck off to a country where he has citizenship. And is on the other side of the world.
He has transferred his company there so I have no claim on it...he wants it for the children.

He has promised me half the house and a proportion of his pension.
I work part time.

Everything aside...how can he abandon his children? He may never come back.
Hes away for a few days now. I plan to ring solicitor tomorrow.
But if any of you lovely people can give me any advice I'd be grateful.

He's hurt and lashing out. Don't take it seriously.

I'm hoping that. He's said he will not live anywhere near us...he never wants to see me. And he is horrified at people knowing. I've told no one in RL because of this. But feel I am bottling it all up. Have cried nonstop since yesterday.

Hope some more helpful posters come along soon.

Don't panic though, just see what solicitor has to say first. And work out what YOU want.

Very concerned that a disposal of assets is going on (company moved overseas and bridging loan suggested) - which leaves you very vulnerable. A solicitor can sort this for you - it is not his call what he will give you....the courts will decide. Really important that you see a solicitor asap. I am sorry you are going through this - but at least it seems it is mutual. However do not let him stitch you up.

Hugs

Thankyou somethingtodo" my concern too.

I do not think it matters where his company is based. What matters are his assets and you will get a proportion of them. Do not give up your entitlement to a share if his business just because he has told you it's for the dc. If he was that bothered about them he wouldn't be moving away from them!

See a solicitor as soon as possible.

Sometimes it's unfortunate that these things happen at the wrong time with regards to your dc but you have put up with an awful lot all in the name of marriage and no doubt for your childrens sake but there comes a time when enough is enough and you have reached that point.

I also think he is hurting and lashing out. He may not want the marriage to end.

Keep posting for support.

Thanks quite likely. No he doesn't want to be alone..his biggest fear
He also doesn't want me to be with anyone else.
I'm not remotely interested in a new relationship.
What I am scared of is being a single parent with two teenagers in a very important exam year.. Dd has some health issues too . I am fortunate that we are comfortably off, the house has been valued at a good price and we have a very small mortgage. Dh has own company and an excellent pension, and has reassured me that he will look after me financially. And I know he will for the children.

But when he is nasty I do worry. He looks after all the money.

I feel better this evening as its a new week and not having him here makes the house much calmer.
Dd heard him raising his voice at midnight on Friday and keeps asking if I'm ok. I just said I've got a bad cold and feel a bit down.

Unfortunately he is nasty as a way to control you, y'know so you behave yourself and don't rock his boat.

The thing is you were quite reasonable offering him to stay put for a few years but he crossed a line by trying to get physical with you.

I understand your concerns about your dc and I'm wondering if you could post somewhere else on here about how other people managed their dc exams during a time of divorce.

And OP you have only got one life so live every day like it's your last. Spend your life as happy as you can be. Set yourself free from this man.

Thank you for being so kind.
Good idea about asking about exams.

I am concerned that he is saying he will take care of you financially by taking out bridging finance for you and the kids to buy a place and then he emigrates.

Firstly with a foreign business it will be hard to obtain finance, things have changed greatly in the last few years.

Secondly as he is paying and you are living in the new house, if he decides not to pay then only you and the kids are homeless. Bad uk credit won't affect him abroad.

Thirdly if he is on the deeds to the new place you may find he forces the sale when your youngest reaches adulthood. Leaving you high and dry as you will struggle to get credit taking you past the age of 65. This means a reduced borrowing amount as lending is based on affordability - a 20 year old can borrow far more than a 50 year old on the same wage.

Seek legal advice tomorrow. If he truly was going to provide for you then he would be looking to keep you in the current house with the small mortgage. Not moving his business abroad 'for the kids' etc. more likely so you have no claim to it! He would give you what you are legally entitled to, which is unlikely to be half the house, none of his business and none of his pension (has he suggested leaving his pension with him and he will transfer money to you?)

You may need the services of a forensic accountant, depending on the business etc. do not settle for 50/50 unless advised by a bloody good solicitor. Obtain recommendations. Go to court with a shit hot lawyer.

First task, Photocopy payslips, accounts, pensions, mortgage statements, shares, savings, bank statements etc etc. keep them very safe out of your house. I wouldn't be surprised If they have already gone, a good financial advisor/solicitor will have told him to remove them.

Many men guilt trip their exes with the words 'gold digger', 'bleeding me dry', 'you are only after money'. Wait for them words. What he is really saying is I want as much money as possible from this break up leave my money alone.

Good luck op, fight for what you legally deserve, not what you stbxh thinks you deserve. Sorry my post is cynical, I see too much divorce aftermath and too many women give up what they are legally entitled to only to really regret it.

Oh I have had those words already.
When I met him I was in retail, not earning vast amount. I gave up work for 8 years to look after the children and for last 10 years have a part time job with a charity, which doesn't pay much.
Thanks for your advice

Sorry reread you op, you mention he has offered a proportion of his pension. So he is offering Half the value of the house? Half the value of his pension? Plus half the value of his business? I've a feeling you may say no.

Shit hot solicitor is needed, another poster on a different thread has a shit hot solicitor, may be worth pm'ing her for a recommendation.

Good luck charade, get what you deserve for you and the kids. If you have your true entitlement you can ensure your kids get the money when they need it most, you can decide. If you let him decide the settlement and keep money for the kids then the kids may never see it...

Please seek advice op. If you earn little you may get more, he is going to do all he can to persuade you not to use solicitors. He will be fully aware of how much you may get.

Take it and look after you kids, he isn't going to see them much from the other side of the world. You are going to need money, university, marriages and grand children don't come cheap!

I have an appointment with a recommended solicitor tomorrow.

Just seen solicitor. Made me realise how much he controls all finances and how I am like a fifties housewife
Need to find out what his pension is, savings etc.
I have decided that it is untenable living together until kids go to uni.

Good work OP. It's sad when things don't work out, but sometimes they just don't. You are under no obligation to stay with someone who is spiteful and nasty towards you. But you do need to make sure that you get copies of the documents that you need - good luck.
PS, Don't accept whatever he offers you, no matter how reasonable it may seem. Always, always go through a solicitor.

Thankyou.
He comes back tomorrow..dreading what mood he's in.

Op how are you doing?

When you say he has "transferred his company overseas" - did he trade via a UK company? I would assume so if he's been a UK resident.

If so he can't transfer it overseas. A UK incorporated company remains UK resident irrespective of the residence of the shareholders.

His only option to genuinely transfer the trade overseas would be for form a Newco overseas and then transfer the trade and assets from the UKco to the Newco. This would however have significant UK tax implications, and is not usually advisable.

I therefore thinks its unlikely he has transferred his company overseas.