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Original poster

Question re sex in marriage/affairs

12 replies

kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 17:41

Hi,

I've been cheated on in the past when ex and I weren't having sex (relationship was in death throes).

But a lot of threads on here suggest men can be having sex even when they ARE having sex with their wife/partner. Additionally, there seems to be a suggestion that men will LIE to the OW and say they aren't having sex with the missus.

So - if you have been cheated on - were you having sex with him at the time?
If you have been an OW, was it important that he wasn't having sex with the missus anymore? Did you ever find out this WASN'T true? Or did it not matter?

Many thanks for thoughts - I'm having a hard think about things before my next relationship!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2014 17:48

There's no one size fits all . I was being cheated on... I later discovered. .. at the same time as my now ex was very keen that we should try for a baby. So not just having an active sex life but unprotected as well. I subsequently got the standard excuse that he 'hadn't been happy for years'

Ultimately, if someone is determined to be self indulgent, they don't really worry too much about honesty. They will say and do whatever they need to justify themselves... mostly in their own mind.

In short, having 24/7 sex with someone won't kep them faithful if they don't want to be. So don't blame yourself.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/10/2014 17:57

I had awesome sex with my XH on the Wednesday, he met OW on the Friday. To his credit Hmm he stopped shagging me when he started shagging her but it certainly wasn't a lack of sex that triggered the affair.

CheersMedea · 12/10/2014 18:15

I've never been an OW and (as far as I know) DH has not cheated on me but I have been repeatedly hit on by married men ( I work in a very male dominated industry where there is a lot of alcohol driven socialising) and I have a close female friend who is a serial monogamist OW (if there is such a thing!) and I would say:

  1. If a man is not having sex (or less sex than normal) he is more likely to cheat. Top time I was hit on was just after men and wives had had a child. Curiously, it was rarely the first child - usually 2nd child or beyond.
  1. Most (but not all) men it seems tell the OW they are not having sex with their wives. No sensible woman believes it. My friend tends to "fall in love" with the MM and knows that they are sleeping with their wives but because she is in love puts up with it. Her current guy said straight out that he has no intention of leaving his wife and still sleeps with her. I don't think whether or not he is sleeping with his wife factors in her decision. She's a commitment phobe and I suspect that although one part of her wishes he wasn't sleeping with his wife and was all hers, my guess is that it would last a few months and she'd get bored with him. The whole thing makes me very sad because she is an amazing woman.
  1. I don't think you can get anything helpful out of generalisations because affairs and men's behaviour are so individual. Some men lie, some men are honest, some affairs end up in a new lifetime relationship, some affairs destroy families, some affairs remain concealed for ever. It just depends.

My own experience would say that if you have a husband whose job involves travel, go with him. I think opportunity is 99% of the problem. Men like having sex. Having sex with someone new you fancy is exciting. If they can have exciting sex and think they can get away with it, they will.

Original poster
kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 18:25

Thanks guys,

How does the MM justify to the OW why he is still sleeping with his wife? So that the wife doesn't start to suspect something?
How can the OW possibly put up with that?!!

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 12/10/2014 19:08

The ex husband lied to everyone - even his parents - and said we didn't have sex. We had sex throughout our marriage and for three years afterwards. It was a habit.

CheersMedea · 12/10/2014 19:12

^How does the MM justify to the OW why he is still sleeping with his wife? So that the wife doesn't start to suspect something?
How can the OW possibly put up with that?!!^

My friend with her current MM isn't it that situation. He says he loves his wife but happens to have fallen in love with her too. There is no suggestion of (a) him leaving his wife or (b) that he is not sleeping with her.

As to why she would put up with it, well as I said, she's in love with him and a commitmentphobe. I think it suits her to have someone not available as in some twisted way she thinks she's avoiding rejection. She also has a very full and glamorous life and I don't think she really wants to give that up for a full time partner.

lilywidget · 12/10/2014 22:22

How does the MM justify to the OW why he is still sleeping with his wife?

Not all OW want MM to leave his wife for them and not all OW are in love with their MM.

I was an OW, I was married too. I knew he was sleeping with his wife occasionally (not that any more frequently would have bothered me) he knew I was sleeping with my husband regularly (I would have preferred not to but I was).

For both of us it was about great sex, excitement, intimacy - things we were both missing from our marriages.

StrawberryMouse · 13/10/2014 20:29

A married friend is in an affair with a married man in work. He used to moan about not having very much sex with his wife but I'm assuming they do have sex and she is very open about having a very good and active sex life with both him and her husband. There doesn't seem to be much jealousy (although there could be in private of course) and both of them claim there are feelings involved and it's not just sex between them.

Lioninthesun · 13/10/2014 21:02

Having been cheated on several times I can confirm that there was not a period in either relationship where we were having no sex - I have a high drive and even after DD was born and the c-section we were at it within the first two weeks. He was gone 6 months later!

I'd like to reiterate the travel issue - if your husband / partner travels it is well over the odds he will cheat as there is much higher scope for him to do this and get away with it (not to mention the wining and dining and strip clubs and other perks that can be laid on under the guise of 'business').

LovesPeace · 13/10/2014 21:36

So we need to police our menfolk by going with them everywhere, so that they stay faithful?

Fuck that - if my partner wants to shag around, good riddance to him.

His loss.

arsenaltilidie · 13/10/2014 22:56

There are certain types of men who cheat and those who don't.
For every man that cheated because they 'we're not getting it home' they are twice as many men who are not having sex but don't cheat.

FWIW I travel a lot for work and most of the team I travel with don't cheat.

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 23:11

Everyone only team travels as a way of life. We're talking six monthly stints in apartments abroad. Only 1 of the 10 has cheated. Higher number in my non travelling friends.
I travel all the time and find it offensive that it means it's way over the odds that I'll cheat. I'll agree it would make it easier. But if you're going to cheat, you cheat.
FWIW, I traveled, my ex didn't , he was the cheat.

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