Hoovering

[theoriginalposter]

Hoovering and love bombing in the context of EA - words of wisdom please...

I'm not completely up on all the latest relationship catchphrases but I think what they mean are those big gestures, promises and other set pieces that abusive people use to manipulate someone when the threats, bullying and nasty stuff is not working so well.

Is someone doing this to you?

Yep, how do you know if it's genuine? Sorry for the lack of info but I'm afraid it's necessary

Or do you think they are the latest buzzwords and I'm just jumping on the bandwagon?

Judge someone based on the consistency of their actions and words. If they have spent a year behaving badly, a few days promising the earth is likely to be fake. Also be critical about your own response. Are you clutching at straws hoping the change of personality is genuine? Are you conveniently ignoring the past? If so, why?

How many times have these big promises been broken? Why should this time be any different, despite assurances that it is? Was it different last time? Or the time before that?

There's no bandwagon here - it's just a 'new' name for the same old bullshit. The cycle of EA. Nice, nasty, nice, nasty. It all comes to a head, Grand Gestures are made, things clamed down and...... it all starts up again.

What's going on, OP?

Is this a familiar behaviour pattern from your partner?

Yes it is. The closer I get to leaving the bigger the gestures for change.

It makes me feel sorry for him. It makes me feel guilty - difficult to hurt another human being. I recognise the cycle but truly think it's not intentional. It makes me doubt my judgement.

How can I hurt him when he's being so nice? I would feel like the bully then. It's like he's a child and I don't want to make him sad.

Whatever you truly think, it's intentional. Whether nice or nasty the behaviour is always a conscious choice and the objective remains the same. ie. the abusive person gets their own way and the victim is either intimidated into staying or made to feel guilty about leaving.

Sadly, you won't really understand this until you are no longer around them.

For reasons I can't say (because it will out me) the cycles have been particularly intense recently. They recurr every 12 - 24 hours. I feel like I'm going mad.

Thanks cogito. Things are clearer and easier when he's being awful. It's this phase that particularly screws me...

12 - 24 hour repeats of nice/nasty is the way they torture prisoners. It's designed to crush the spirit and create confusion. Get this person out of your home or leave yourself. Park any guilt you feel and do it.