A friend with benefits… and a massive age gap?!

[FinallySingle]

Long term lurker, occasional poster, name changed for this one!

So I came out of a 4yr train wreck relationship eight months ago. For the longest time in my adult life I've been single and - whilst I've enjoyed the time to learn to like myself and grieve for all the could have and should have beens with my DD's dad - I now want something a bit more. Not a relationship per se, but something.

Cut to two weeks ago, on a very rare night out with another recently singled mum friend, I ran into an old acquaintance. By old acquaintance I mean an old uni lecturer who I fancied the pants off when I was about 18. Six years later and on a bravery mix of far too many cocktails I shamelessly threw myself at him and we ended up having a one night stand. We are both single, consenting adults who had both had far too much to drink and whilst I'm not in the habit of having one night stands with anyone, it did feel good to know someone still fancied me with my post-baby figure! Except a one night stand is all I thought it was. And wouldn't really be too upset if it was all it would be. But now, after a few flirty texts backwards and forwards I'm wondering if it could be something more? Like I said, I don't want a relationship, just a bit of fun. I work 60hr weeks more often than not balancing a career and my own business and am a single mum to a 2yr old. I have hobbies and I have friends. I just want something exclusively for me without the baggage or hassle of another relationship just now.

I've done age gap relationships and I've done fuck buddies. But would you have a friends with benefits 21 years your senior? He's old enough to be my dad ffs!

If you are certain to not get emotionally attached then it's up to you. Personally I wouldn't, I respect myself too much. I'm not saying you don't, just why would you want to be used in that way.

If you are both happy with what's on offer then I see no problem. Age is a number. What matters is if you have an attraction and it works for you both. If you didn't know his age would you still question spending time with him?

The thing is, I feel like I would maybe be the one using him? I had a FWB in the past and whilst it was one of the most fun years of my life, it ended on a sour note when he wanted more and I didn't.

He might be happy just to have an independent women to share time with and not take it any further. If he knows he is a FWB and not a potential partner then no one is being used.

Talk to him!

it doesnt have to be heavy, but you can both talk about what you want out of the time you spend together. For you it's fun and nothing heavy, and you can say that. Find out what he wants. If you have been straight up front then he can protect himself if he starts to feel more - it really can work like that, been there done it - and if it feels like more might happen for both of you, you can talk again.

as for the age, well if you fancy him go for it. if you don't, don't.

Just be honest about what you want - with yourself, more than him. Are you quite sure you only want a light hearted f-buddy? If the answer's yes, go ahead and enjoy =) If it's not, then take a step back

As long as there are clear boundaries, it can be done. I had a great year with a guy who travelled a lot for work and it ended on a friendly note when I met my DP. The FWB would text or call when he was in town for a night or two and then he'd go off again for several weeks, no strings, no complications.

lady -- it does sound a lot like you think women who have casual sex don't respect themselves. Not sure why bother saying that you don't think that...your next sentence clearly implies that is what you think.
Women's bodies aren't gifts they bestow upon others or for others to "use". The OP isn't a passive participant in it all (as the OP has said, she is "using" him as much as he is "using" her- it's a mutually beneficial arrangement).

Anyway I say go for it. Make it clear that's what you want though, of course, to avoid the last case repeating itself. It would be very unfair not to make your intentions clear.
Put some boundaries in place and perhaps some unspoken rules for yourself to keep things nice and clear cut.

With a significant age gap may come some implications but really they're quite limited if you're not actually looking for a committed relationship from one another.

Enjoy.

sounds fine to me. and fun.

I wouldn't have a FWB arrangement with that age gap, but if you genuinely have a connection and want a relationship, well, you are both grown adults.

I agree completely with Meerka, talk to him. Communication is vital, even more so with FWB arrangements, to minimise the risk of hurting someone/being hurt. The age gap is irrelevant, especially with a FWB.