Craving a mother.. Seriously :(

[buttercuplilly]

Hi

This is really, really embarrassing, but I don't know what else to do.
I'm 22 yo, F, single and currently looking for a job.
I lost my mom exactly 3 years ago.. Mom was healthy and young at the age of 47.. We lost her due to a sudden and unexpected heart attack.. The shock and hurts kills me every day as I’m the only daughter with 4 elder brothers!
My father, is another story, depressed, abusive and selfish; Better to believe that he does not exist on the planet.

I know that nothing like moms unconditional love. I have been going through several emotional problems and started to seek other moms' attention - sometime unintentionally. I feel attached to any woman who looks like 304050ish, usually a 'role-model' woman. I can’t help myself. I feel I still the need to be nurtured by a mom. I have day dreams of every mother I met, and I’m tired. My mom and I did not have a healthy 'mother-daughter relationship' when I was a teenage.. Mom was not very affectionate. I can remember one time when she initiated a hug, and that was because I was travelling. I cannot remember ever cuddling with her, sitting on her lap, or having her initiate a kiss.Though few weeks before she passed away, we started to have quality time since we lived apart, I was most of the time away from home for college. Even with her affectionless, I still miss her so bad..

I don't know if someone can feel how I feel! I just miss her so much that I want someone to be there to fill in the void..
Now that I have graduated from Aston Uni. -First Class Honours in Bsc Business and Management. I wish she was here to attend my graduation ceremony in the summer, my birthday and my life events. It’s very hard that I can’t see her anymore and cuddle with her. I crave bounding time and cuddling with a mother like a baby. I still have this constant void — need.

I used to think I might be gay. I thought that that would be easier, at least I would know why I felt the motherly need. However, I do not have any sexual attraction to girls, and I don't feel that I need affection from girls my age. I think I am so focused on obtaining a motherly figure; sexual/romantic relationships are being put on hold. I think that I feel that once I have a mother and emotionally settled, I will move on to starting a relationship with a guy.
Sometime, the only one thing that makes me relaxed is thinking about a comforting cuddle with a mother. I just want to be held by her and loved; like if she holds her own baby.

If you’ve ever had a similar feeling, please share..

Anyone relate? Or just also an love/affection craver?

Oh you poor girl. What a crappy hand you've been dealt. I can't really relate as I'm 46 and am lucky enough to still have my mum, however she lives on the other side of the world and I miss her a lot (really really not the same I know).

I think it's perfectly natural to miss a loving mother and you were very young to lose yours, have you had any grief counselling ever? It may help a tiny bit? You don't mention any other female relatives but do you have a kind granny or aunt you could reach out too?

Hey there buttercuplilly, I'm not so certain I can identify but I can say I do understand.

It's such a difficult time to lose your mother, particularly unexpectedly and so very young. I think it is probably quite natural to crave a mother figure but, at the same time, whenever something becomes a 'craving', it has perhaps crossed the line of what is considered healthy, especially if it is affecting certain behaviours.

I always think of a developing 'craving' as a need which has not been met for far too long.

Have you thought about or considered therapy? I am not usually a huge advocate, but perhaps some kind of CBT might help you to identify and to deal with the craving.

I'm quite sure you will develop wonderful, healthy relationships with older women who you will consider to be second 'mums', many women do (even those with living mothers) but it ought not to be a craving if you see what I mean; it kind of opens you up to manipulation.

PS If you need someone to attend your graduation and be suitably proud of your first...perhaps we could get a MN contingent together to support you locally; I'm in.

Cross post with Archduke; you don't mention any other female family...are there any?

Losing your mum when she was still young is heartbreaking. I lost my a young mum too. It took about three years before it wasn't the first thing I thought of in the morning . Somehow the gloom lifted when I became a mother myself and I could give unconditional love to another . Well done on your degree . Think positive and everything will start to get better . Be the loving person you are .

I was the only person with no one at my graduation but made the best of it as I had my friends and their families to enjoy ! Also I agree with you that older women are wonderful and wise and now I'm one myself.

I'm in my 40s and I still crave a mother figure. I think it's natural to want a mother figure in your life. My mother is still alive.....somewhere

I lost my mum very suddenly when I was 21, six months after I graduated. I was lucky to have had a brilliant relationship with her. But in some ways that made it harder not having her around.

I was very close to my dad after that, but he died a few years later. I remember then feeling utterly, hopelessly alone and was desperate for any affection. I didn't really want a boyfriend, well i did, but what I really wanted was to be hugged and looked after :(

Like a pp, the sadness only really started to lift for me when I became a mum myself.

Well done on your degree. Am sure your mum would have been really proud of you for that achievement.

I think it is ok to be drawn to mother figures.

I have a friend whose own mother is difficult and rejecting. She has formed lovely relationships with 2 older women, who fit neatly into a mother/grandmother role in her life. Don't feel you have to shut down this need. Somewhere out there is a sixty year old woman who is childless, or whose kids live abroad, who could be important in your life. It is natural to want to be supported and nurtured.

Oh gosh I want to take you under my wing. How about bereavement therapy and make sure it's an older woman so you can get a bit more mothering there and also focus a bit on your loss and how you're getting on with that.

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, it must have been very hard to lose her so suddenly.

My Mum died 3 years ago and it left a huge hole in my life. It left me feeling very depressed and simply alone as my OH appears to be near incapable of empathy and my Dad is quite reserved about all things involving 'emotions' (but he can at least do empathy, reservedly).

Shortly after my Mum's death, a friend (who had also lost her Mum) told me that it's hard but it does get better, it just takes time, so hang on in there. I held on to these words and they helped me, so I'm passing them to you.

Things felt absolutely awful, everyday, and I simply pined for her. I still do, and I still miss her dreadfully, but my friend was right, the pain is starting to get a bit better. I can smile to myself about her, rather than only wanting to cry.

Like you, I am drawn to women of her age and with similar humour, etc.
I think it's natural and guess it's way of trying to find someone that's gone from our lives.

So sorry to hear about your mum. My mum died when I was a baby. I lived in care until I was 16. I've always missed not having a mum. I try to be the best mum to my kids & go without things so my kids don't miss out. I get jealous of friends that their mums do nice things for them or they can phone them anytime for advice. My MIL isn't very nice & has always made me feel like an outsider despite me trying to nice to her.
It sounds like some counselling would help you.

Hi op, sorry to hear about your mum. I'm 30 and my mum died this April at 49 years old unexpectedly. We didn't have the best relationship but I miss her terribly.I don't know how to fill this hole. Thinking of taking up some counselling myself.

I have to reply to this as I feel exactly the same!

My mother left me as a child and I crave a mother also. I have also thought I was gAy and had inappropriate fixations on women that I keep very well hidden.

It does get easier as you get older but the feeling will never ever leave you. I'm sorry. But please know you are totally not alone in your feelings.

It is tiring and draining and so so so bloody unfair!!!!

Wouldn't it be nice if some of you who have lost mums or daughters could link up? Not in a weird way or anything, but maybe as penpals/email friends to offer support to each other? Obviously no one is going to replace the ones you've lost, but perhaps having a mother/daughter figure to form a connection with could help in some way?

That would be lovely I'm open to that. It is a horrible thing not having a mother but it can really strengthen you and be empowering. Anyone can message me. I've lived 23 years without a mum and unfortunately my dH lost his mum young too so I am the matriarch oh dear!!!!!!!

I understand how you feel, I am 41 my mum died when I was 12 of cancer, non one told me she was dying. My dad was and still is emotionally distant he got together with someone else very quickly and is still with her and she had no maternal interest towards my brother and I.

My step mother told me I should be over losing my mum by now but there is a hole that can't be filled.

My husband left me two years ago and I have found it so hard without family support. Trying to juggle two children, working and getting over someone leaving you is hard. My daughter has health issues and just had a big operation and having no one to talk to about that is hard.

Oh Sunflower that's so tough for you.

SpearmintLino what a lovely idea. I'm 46 and a mum to 2 girls I'm happy to take more under my wing x