Is this control? Sorry its long

[honeybean]

Hello. I am looking for some advice.

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have two DD aged 7 and 2, whom I have stayed at home to look after, but working freelance part time around them. Whilst this income certainly helps, it's my partner who earns the major wage, paying for rent, most of the household bills. I should just mention that I do everything in between I.e all housework.

As I write this I realise how ridiculous it seems and that I know what the response (if any) will be as I have got myself into a completely unbalanced situation, with the scales tipped in his favour.

The problem is this; my freelance work has more or less dried up and apart from a couple of pathetic handouts from my partner, I am completely in dire financial circumstances.
I have found a job cleaning in the evening, just a couple of hours, four nights a week. To me its perfect, as he works close by and can be home by the time I have to go: it's great for kids as they get a bit of daddy time (which is rare) and I can make a bit of money while they sleep.
This has caused probably the most upsetting and awful argument of 10 years.
His being, if we need more money (we do) he can just work longer; why would I go out of the home to earn £20 for an evenings work.
Me: It's money for me/ the children that my freelance work is not providing at the moment. Children get time with daddy. He is freelance also so pretty flexible and works close to home. I need something of my own.
He also spends a lot of time out during the week after work and so the cynic in me just says that he worries that my part time job will interfere with his social time (nb I have none as can't afford to)

This is control, right? I feel trapped and stupid and backed into a corner and if anyone has got this far an can offer some insight I would be so grateful.
I am totally on my own with no family around and so even just writing this feels like its shared.
Thank you.

If he has money and you don't that is wrong. The fact that he doesn't want you going out to earn a bit is worse. It sounds like he wants you where he can control you yes. I hope you are OK. It does not sound like a good situation at all!

How do you currently organize your finances? Everything into one pot that you both have access to, or does only he have access to family money?

We don't have a joint account; he has his and pays for rent/bills anything else, and I have mine, from which I pay for all things child-related and household groceries. And I pay for the car. This is all from very carefully managed (somewhat shoe-stringy) money on my part. Which like I mentioned is much less now that my freelance work is quiet, hence the cleaning job.

Why is it only you who pays for the children?

So does he have some money left over from his wages after he's paid the rent and bills? What happens to that?

I think it definitely sounds like control. He doesn't want you out if the house and earning money. Possibly because, like you say, it will interfere with his social life, or because he wants to keep you in your place.

Why don't you have the money to go out? It is not right that a) he is spending so much time away from the family in favour of socialising and b) that he doesn't allow for you to go out.

If he doesn't want you to work outside the house, then he needs to pay you housekeeping willingly, happily and generously!! He also needs to make sure you feel supported and appreciated as you do everything.

Yes that's controlling IMO.

Thank you for the responses.
He does have some money left over. He went and got a nice haircut this week; I haven't spent money on my hair since January (last haircut, really) I just don't justify it as I know the children needs things first.
He did give me money this month, but it certainly wasn't happily or generously, it was I had hardly earned anything and was in overdraft trying to afford things. I think he would rather give me the occasional top up than have me actually go out to work in the evenings. I am really beginning to believe that I am just a convenience more than anything else.

The answer to his question 'why go out to work for £20?' is that you have zero security. You're not married, the finances are badly organised, you own nothing and yet you are totally dependent on him. That's a really vulnerable position.

Is it controlling? Probably. He certainly doesn't have any respect for you

He pays nothing for the children yet has an active social life?

The ideal situation would be you pool your money, if one is the primary earner and one the primary child carer. A joint account from which you pay bills, rent, child related costs, shopping etc and extra is spent by both of you on essentials or social life, clothes, holidays, and you create a savings account too. Him giving you 'hand outs' smacks of a 1950s style arrangement where the woman received housekeeping and had to budget from that. Your situation sounds unfair and somewhat controlling by him, even if he doesn't realise that's what he's doing.

I don't do this though - my partner gives me a good amount of his earnings and I manage the family finances, with my earnings too. It works for us.

Cogito you are absolutely right. It's is a mess and I admit that. And yes i am totally vulnerable especially with regard to finances. I suppose it has crept up on me, it's quite horrible to read over that and see it, as pathetic as that sounds.
I really appreciate the responses: I have no real support and so to put this out there and get genuine responses is helpful and quite scary.

I'm not sure if you see much of a future with this person but would suggest that, whatever you decide, you make a real stand on your financial security as priority. Demand that money is either pooled in a joint account or on a regular standing order into your account. Has to be properly split so that you have equal spending power. Do you have things like wills in place? Life insurance? I note you mention rent so assume you don't own property or other assets. But think forward.... and make this point to him.... what would happen if either of you were to die or if the relationship ended.

You're right. These things do tend to creep up on people. They start out with reasonably equal income, don't see the point in getting married, but then children come along, earnings change and, if you're not careful, you're up shit creek

Unfortunately I was in a very similar situation a few years ago. I did go out and get a part time job despite my ex throwing a fit, and making it difficult for me. As soon as DC was in school and I was no longer paying childcare, I left him.

Best decision I ever made.

Blimey he's incredibly controlling. And financially abusing you. Have a look at the Women's Aid site or google red flags and see if there is anything else that rings a bell.

He does no housework either and by the sounds of it avoids being with the children. What is he contributing to family life apart from money?

The problem is his attitude. He thinks that everything to do with house/children is your responsibility. It's incredibly misogynistic. And it is unlikely to change. So the question is what do you want to do about it?

Ironically it sounds like you'd probably have more money if you split because he would be required to pay for the children. Have a look at the Rights of Women website too.

So he IS willing to work extra to earn the money you need, rather than you having to. That's a start. At least it clarifies that he is willing to distribute his income toward the expenses you have been paying towards feeding him and caring for his children.

Open a conversation re: a cohesive family budget, income preferences, spending and saving plan. Because the current system is not working.

I dont think he is trying to keep you at home to control you. I think he is just stating an obvious solution to your freelance work drying up when his has not. If he can easily pick up work, why not? But even that is only half a solution if it becomes him only handing over income from certain jobs! Your whole money plan needs a thoughtful reboot. You arent roomates splitting expenses, you are a family with shared expenses.

It's only controlling if that's his motive.

My DH has had a similar attitude in that an hours weekend overtime was the equivilent of what I could earn in a day.

From a practical point of view, it made sense for him to work for money and me to ensure the home and family was sorted. That way our family time was all quality time and we didn't have the pressures of others with domestic squabbles and got more quality time together than many couples despite the longer hours.

Having said that, we both have equal claim to the household disposable income and a standing order goes into my account each month so there's no asking for money. I've always been anti joint account and since I've been in mumsnet that opinion has been vindicated.

Also, what makes sense on paper isn't always right. I'm going back to work, he's supportive, doesn't care as long as I'm happy. I'm sure people looking in to our marriage could have drawn their own conclusions and either deemed me as a grabby kept woman or him as misogenistic and controlling. Truth is, it's all about intent.

Well is he going to give you more money if he doesn't want you going out in your own?

Could you retrain in a career you would be happy in at his expense during the day perhaps?

Is it much money he has left to himself after the bills and rent have came out?

"It's only controlling if that's his motive." No. The decision about whether it is controlling or not, is the effect his actions have on the OP, not his motivation at all.