Nightmare phone calls!

[Highway65]

My DH works away, sometimes 4 to 6 weeks at a time. We have 2 DC 7 & 10 so he calls everyday. Sometimes twice a day, even three times.

I've always hated talking on the phone but for 4 years we've got on with it okay. But he's away right now and for the past few weeks he says that every time he phones he's getting angry with me The conversations are too one way he says. He asks questions but I've never done what he's asked me to. Kids have under performed in something and I haven't done anything about it. But I say that I have and he gets all shouty because I haven't communicated that over the phone. The kids don't chat enough over the phone either. There's a lot of 'yeh, yeh, yeh'

He said tonight that I have to try harder or me and him are finished! Have I not taken this seriously enough? I know it's hard for him being away, but when he phones it sometimes just isn't convenient to talk. The kids are playing up or I'm preparing dinner.

Am I a nightmare wife? Or is he being just a bit unreasonable?

He is being an abusive controlling arse via long distance. Several times a day by the sound of it. Quite an achievement, so I'm guessing that he has things nailed down solid at home too?

Have you considered hanging up or not answering the phone? Seriously, there is an awful relationship and family dynamic described here. Do you enjoy his time away? What's it like when he's home?

My husband works away a lot too. I'd go mad if he called this much, I asked him to understand and he did. A quick chat with the kids and a chat on our own later on, most nights it's just us 30 mins tops.

Why? Like you it's exhausting. You are doing it all by yourself and it is the most inconvenient times, always!

My husband got it, understood and knew it wasn't me "not making an effort". I was running the house and keeping the world turning on my own. It's easy for them to forget sometimes "oh it is the kids dinner time". So I just said think before you call :)

IME and I hate to say it, these types (like you described) are the ones who expect their wife to be at home on call 24 hours. Not only are they controlling and abusive, they are the ones most likely to say "my wife doesn't get me" at the hotel bar...as they genuinely are selfish to the core.

Me? I'd call his bluff, he's being a twat.

Yes, do call his bluff & tell him to fuck off. It will improve your life, I promise, as he is a controlling knob pulling off the act of a petulant child.

When he's home it's fine. Not fabulous all the time but good. He's a great dad and the family unit is strong.

If I hear one more time from him that's it's him that has to work away, I'll scream. I'm a lone parent for half the year and answering to him over the phone meeting his demands. It is very frustrating and no, I just don't think he gets it. Apparently I just don't have time to talk to my husband

I don't normally stick up for myself, but this month has been particularly difficult in work and the kids have had extra things to get done. I have felt at the end of my tether a bit.

Controlling? Perhaps. Abusive? If you call swearing abusive, then yes. But as soon as he starts with the F word I always hang up. I hate swearing and he knows that!

"Kids have underperformed in something"? What on earth does that mean?

Do they want to speak to him? Do you? It sounds just about as enjoyable as being marched off to see a rather nasty headmaster.

He's looking at 'unreasonable' in the rear view mirror! He's way beyond unreasonable. He's an out and out bully. Checking up on you all the time purely to nitpick? Don't answer the phone in future.

Appalling, controlling behaviour

Yes, very controlling and definitely abusive.

It is abusive. He expects you to be on call as he sees fit and drop everything. Both you and the kids.

Then when you can't or are busy, he does the whole emotional line, "you won't talk to me" or "we will have to split".

He gets angry, annoyed, etc with you. He's ordering you around, gets all shouty.

He doesn't have to be swearing, he's controlling and abusive.

Is he controlling you to cover up something ?

That would be why he's threatening to end it . So it looks like it's your fault ? Hope not . Would be open to doing some checking up on him me thinks . He is being irrational . You are being too lovely and understanding .

Can you say you'll call him when you're ready? Which might not be every day.

I've worked away a lot and it's a lonely life - you just want to be at home part of the family. Could it be this? if he rings at times you are busy and it's made clear he's an inconvenience maybe he feels he isn't part of the family?

He's also relying on you to fill him in on all he's missing day to day being away, you say you don't like to talk on the phone? it can be really frustrating trying to draw information from someone who doesn't like to talk.

I don't think the problem lies entirely on one side.
Suggest he calls later after meal times? and be more open and informative about whats going on with the family day to day.

The nature of his job only allows calls at certain times and he works shifts. I can't call him as he's on a boat.

Wildbill, what you have said is exactly why I asked the question. The thing is, I do realise that he is lonely and missing home life. But I'm lonely too but keeping the family going.

I have expressed my feelings to him by text over the past couple of days. He has rightly said that he didn't know I was stressed because I didn't tell him. He's not mystic meg!!

I suspect this isn't all one sided and effort is required on both our parts. He comes home in a few days, so hopefully we can start fresh.

Goodo, It doesn't sound like an insurmountable problem to me, If he is restricted to phone calls at certain times then maybe you can shift your routine by half an hour (e.g meal times) and so-on to accomodate. Also as he said he's not mystic meg so you need to be more verbal.
If you are both lonely then you need to communicate more! tell him your lonely when he's away and you can't wait for him to come back (and what your are going to do with him and to him).

p.s Just a word of warning - a colleague I worked away with, he was always eager to ring and chat to home but all he got was moaning about how the washing machine had broken down and he was never around to fix it or other boring domestic tales, guess who started to volunteer to cover extra periods away and stay away a bit longer?

Did he choose this career before you got together? I only ask because he moans that he is away. If he took a job working on a boat and this was his choice then surely he realised he would be working away and this would impact on seeing people back home.

If he hates working away can he change jobs? Has he looked into it at least? Or is it an excuse to swear, rant and be abusive to his wife?