I hate myself and my actions

[Redtartanshoes]

I just keep making the wrong choices. I know they are wrong, I know that I will be hurt, but I just keep on doing it. It's almost like I'm on a total self destruct mission, like sonething takes over the rational part of my brain and I fuck up, then I come to, realise what I've done and tortire myself for days. It causes me anxiety and sleepless nights. I feel sick. I start and get better and then I just fuck it all up again.

It's like putting my hand in the fire to see if it's hot. I know. I know I'll get burnt but for that 1 second it's the excitement. I hate myself. I'm 33 and I should know better.

I've had crap relationships with men since before I can remember. It stems from my dad leaving my mum when I was 2, but I know I can't blame that. Plenty if people have divorced parents without turning out as fucked up as me.

There are people that love me, but I treat them like shit. I don't value that love.

I'm a fucking mess and it's all my fault. I deserve it.

Red - you do NOT deserve this! Every decent soul on this planet is worthy of love and life, free will and joy. Not to mention a decent standard of living but that's another day.

"Deserving" is a judgement/self-hatred call usually instigated by being treated like rubbish from the get-go by others who should have known better but didn't.

You have zero self-esteem. Let us start to build it up a little?

Have you been to your GP about this? Are you on any meds or receiving therapy?

I'm the Queen of Shitty Choices by the way .. nice to meet you!

I have nothing to say that will help, but the self destruct cycle- I do that all the time.

I ended an abusive relationship, it's been the most difficult few months of my life but I keep going back. Not properly but just like a moth to a flame. I should hate him. I do. But I need to move on and stop hurting myself, and allowing him to.

No meds no therapy, nothing like that... There's nothing wrong with me other than being a stupid attention seeking train crash of a woman that should know better

Then how about instead of going back to roadkill you talk here? Is there anyone in RL apart from the abusive shit who has tried to drag you down with him?

he's failed, by the way, because here you are!

You may be attention seeking and that's not a crime, but stupid - no way, so cut that out right off! Next thing might be to make a decision to stay away from him and harm. This might be where we can help? We're great with buckets of cold water ...

Seriously, being drawn back to a damaging abuser can be like an addiction. It requires a lot of grit (and maybe RL help) to get through withdrawal to beyond ...

PinkSquash - i'm so sorry ... read along here, join in, start your own thread ... just don't be alone with it all, ok?

You don't deserve it.

Pink Squash join in here. We could help each other.

You are right about it being an addiction... It feels wonderful for 30 seconds then the reality of what you have done sinks in. I feel so proud of myself for getting over it, counting the days of no contact then I get suckered back in.

I thought about trying to move on, even just dating but I know it's too soon, my head is all over the place. I need to concentrate on my and ds