i have a boyfriend, however asked out by stranger and i liked it?

[YellowRose08]

Hi ladies,

just looking for some advice as feeling so confused :( i am going to try and just be honest, even if it makes me sound like a right cow lol

Bit of background. I am in my early twenties, have been with my boyfriend nearly 6 years, he is the only boyfriend i've ever had and the only guy i've ever kissed/slept with as I've been with him since I was a teenager. My boyfriend is the loveliest guy in the world - kind, caring, sensitive and funny. However I don't feel a strong sexual spark for him and probably never really have. I fell in love with his personality. Recently this lack of spark for him as felt more obvious, I still like being affectionate but I just don't feel like 'phwoarr you are so good looking.' When I say 'I love you' i don't feel much passion behind it. I feel like I probably feel like a lot people in long term relationships feel - a bit bored.

So I've been having some doubts, but when I actually think of not being with my boyfriend. I just can't really imagine it. He makes me laugh all the time and I would never want to hurt him.

Anyway I've started a new job and have been getting a new train to work. Theres been a guy who gets the same train as me, and the past couple of days, we've made eye contact a bit, and I find him quite good looking so I suppose he may have caught me looking at him a few times. I thought about him when I went home yesterday, and this morning I purposely got on the same carriage as him and stood near him :( honestly i never intended on starting a conversation with him though, i just wanted to look at my eye candy.
He started speaking to me and he ended up asking me out for drinks. Instead of saying the truth and saying I am not single, and I've got a serious bf of 6 years. I said 'Let me think about it.' In truth, I was so flattered to be asked out. I've never been on a date with anyone except my boyfriend, and to have an attractive and (older) guy ask me out was a big confidence boost. Also, I am embarrassed to say, but I didn't want him to know I had a bf. Part of me really wanted to go out with him. I ended up saying I was in a complicated relationship and so I wasn't technically single (lie). The train stopped and I think he wanted my answer on the train home at the end of the day. All day I felt so sick and guilty for what I had done :( I really did not want to see this guy and got a later train home on purpose to avoid him. I didn't see him on the way home and part of me was relieved, however part of me was also disappointed, as I thought he can't be that keen if he didn't wait around for a bit. I know, I'm an awful person :(

If I'm happy with my bf, why would I get so flustered about being asked out? Surely any normal person would straightaway say no :( but I did feel guilty and I know if I did see him on the way home I would have deffo said no, i would never physically cheat on my bf. Although I have emotionally cheated?

Since I have got home, this guy is on my mind. I've imagined what it would be like to be single and to be able to say yes to him. I just don't know what to feel :( my bf is the sweetest guy, is this attraction towards a stranger just a blip? I know I could never find anyone more compatiable to me than my bf, but obviously my lack of sexual passion to him is making me look at other men.

Advice? Thoughts?

I'm not saying anything either or all ways but this got me thinking: I know I could never find anyone more compatible to me than my bf

How do you know?

If you have found love is it The Love? Is that the same as compatible? Do you want to explore more? No-one would/should criticise or judge you for that. Cultures have methods though. I don't agree with all those methods but it can get difficult. You know where this is going lol. I'm not judging whatever you choose to do. But it is your right to choose what you do. Just be kind and true to yourself along the way.

The worst thing in the world you can do is stay with someone who is really no more than a good friend who makes you laugh.

You are early 20's. You need to live a little!

Maybe it's time to bring this to an end and find out what you really want.

At your age it should be all about phoar......

You are very young and have been with your bf since (apparently) you were teenagers. It may be that it's time to move your life on. That's a decision only you can make.

But I do want to say to please be honest with your bf. If you do truly feel that the 'spark' has gone out and you'd be better off as friends, please let him go, regardless of this other guy. It's not fair to either of you to hold on to something that's dead.

Agree with Across, you are perfectly entitled to test the water especially at your young age but it would be wrong to betray him with dishonesty.
It might be worth splitting up with your bf and then you are genuinely unattached and able to accept any offers of dates that you may receive.
Your bf is a nice guy but sounds like the excitement has gone from relationship however he does deserve to be treated with total honesty and respect.
Just be aware, that exciting new stranger who has come into your life, may already be attached so proceed with some caution.

While you are still young and not married make the decision based on your happiness because it could be you end up in a relationahip where you are just trying to fool yourself will work and that eventually will leave you with very low self esteem.

Well of course you liked it. You're human, you're not abnormal wanting others to find you attractive. We all want other people to fancy us.

It sounds like you're just friends with your boyfriend but don't know anything else. It's fine for a bloke to make you laugh but it has to be more than that? Are you in love with him? How does it feel to answer that?

I was in a long relationship from being a teenager, buy the time I was in my early 20s I knew that although I cared about my bf I wasn't in love with him anymore, I certainly didn't want to have sex with him. We split up, it was awful but I was relieved. Years later I'm married to someone else and happy.

Are you scared to not be with him because you love him or because you don't want to be single and you haven't known anything else? Of course you're flattered with the attention but don't hurt your bf, let him go if that's the right thing to do. Don't 'settle' for someone though, you'll end up unhappy and bored.

Pobblewhohasnotoes I am not scared of being single, in fact sometimes when I think of being single it feels like a relief. I do truly care about my boyfriend, and I don't want to hurt him. I feel like I need time on my own but I don't want to end it and then regret it in a few weeks/years down the line when I realise he was the best guy in the world. He would do anything for me and would never hurt me. I wish I could love him how he loves me :( i just feel so confused.

Thing is, not wanting to hurt someone isn't a reason to stay with them.

I know, but he is such a good person. I just can't find the balls to tell him I need time on my own I suppose

Feeling relieved at the idea of being single is a big sign that the relationship has run its course.

There are other guys as good and perhaps even better than him. But doesn't he deserve better? If you don't feel as strongly for him as he does for you, then it's unkind to him to keep pretending. Better to break up now than to get married, have children, and then find you've pretended too long and it's unbearable. Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

I think that although "high school sweetheart" relationships can work, most of the time it's not healthy to stay with the first person that you ever met. You need to have other relationship experiences - good and bad - to find out who you are, what you like, what you want. And it's hard to work out who you are as a person (which is what this time of life is all about!) when your identity is bound up in being "X's girlfriend" to everyone you know.

If it's really meant to be then fate will bring the two of you together again later in life.

It's difficult I know. With my ex in the end he realised I didn't want to be with him, which in a way was worse. I cried when he left suddenly but the relief was huge.

It changed me, I went travelling, became much more independent and confident and had a few relationships. I eventually met my DH and got married. It was only when I met him I realised what I was really looking for. If I'd had married my ex we'd have ended up divorced.

Look at it this way; if you truly care about him doesn't that mean you want the best for him? And is the best for him living with someone who doesn't really love him? Or is the best thing letting him go so he can find someone who does?

Holding on to him because you are 'afraid' you may realize later that he was the best guy in the world is very selfish and so unfair to him. Why should you tie him down to you completely when you know you are looking around at what's 'on the market' because you are already mentally halfway gone from the relationship?