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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

told OH I need a break

20 replies

bossmummy1 · 10/10/2014 16:07

Hi have posted b4
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2204757-sexting-hubby

Today I've told him I need a break, he was begging and stuff on the phone and came home early so we could talk.
Once home we did talk (and cry....a lot ) and I honestly told him I no longer trust him and need a break to see if I can get my head around what happened and if our marriage can survive this. He did say he will do anything to gain my trust back and he loves me more than anything and he knows his mistake and doesn't want to lose me that me and the kids are everything to him and he's scared as as soon as he leave he feels that's it 4 us.
I am in so much pain emotionally,I feel sick.
How do I deal with these feelings and IF I can get around this how do I fix my marriage. And if I can't how do I move on with the guilt of hurting him (I know what he did to me but I can't help how I feel) I have no clue how to feel, act, figure out if it's 100% the right thing?
My head is just a fog right now. I still haven't told the kids as I fort 4 the best he leave b4 they gt home from school coz seeing us crying and stuff is not what they need to see. But now I can't face telling them alone and want to wait 4 my mum to finish work and be here as my support.
Sorry to go on but I just needed some advice as I am in such a state right now x

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 10/10/2014 16:19

It's a good thing for you to have a break from him for awhile to get your head around this. Once you've had time to think and see how you feel about it, then you can make further decisions. If he starts pressuring you to come back, just tell him that if he loves you and respects you, that he will back off and give you time to decide what you want. Do not feel guilty. You have not done anything wrong. He, on the other hand, HAS.

inlectorecumbit · 10/10/2014 16:21

You have to stop worrying about him.
He chose to do this without thinking of the consequences. He has to go so that you can decide if you can forgive him (not forget) and carry on in the relationship. You obviously can't process things with him hanging about.
it is no longer about what he wants.
Tell him he MUST go if there is any chance at all of your relationship surviving at all

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 16:22

I think you both need a period of calm. This is bound to be a very emotional situation. Let him leave for a while so that you can sort your thoughts. It is not your responsibility to fix this, it's his. He can use his time away to reflect on exactly how he plans to do it.

Jan45 · 10/10/2014 16:42

Sorry but he fucked up so it's him who should be fixing and sorting it out, words are very cheap, is this the same man that said it was harmless fun....not so much fun now is it.

Let him go, have your space and test him, see what he does and how he behaves from now on it, that will tell you everything.

You will have to wait it out - you don't know what will happen or how you will feel or if you will get over it or decide nah, I don't trust you and don't think I will again.

You are not going on and we all understand your hurt and upset, it's a normal reaction - I hope he suffers tbh.

Original poster
bossmummy1 · 11/10/2014 15:50

Hi all and thanks for replies. It's only been just over 24 hrs since split and as much as I understand his pain he is driving me insane with constant msg's of love sorry's and 2nd chances it's so hard to sort my head out as it is without the added pressure. I've asked him 2 back off a bit and he's agreed but still has to throw in that he's scared of losing me.
How have any others who are or who have gone thru a separation cope?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/10/2014 16:04

If he means it, he will do as you ask and give you thinking space. If he doesn't he is just putting himself first.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 11/10/2014 16:17

Don't feel guilty if you ultimately split with him OP. He did not think of the consequences of his actions and as a grown adult should have done. I can understand how you feel. You are not wrong to feel this way. It is his actions that has brought this about do not feel guilty.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 11/10/2014 16:49

Turn off your phone, so you don't need to have the pressure of the constant messages, since he doesn't seem to understand that you don't want him to contact you right now. He's not messaging you because he's concerned about you, he's trying to influence you with his excuses and such. Just detach and ignore and give yourself time.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 16:33

OP you have asked him for one thing. Space. One simple thing.

He says he will do anything for you? Well, let's see if he can do the one thing you have asked him to do. Or is he just too selfish to put other people's needs before his own for a change?

scallopsrgreat · 12/10/2014 16:39

Does he always ignore your boundaries like this? You've asked for space and he is refusing to give it.

I'd use this space (if you ever get it) to seriously consider other aspects of your relationship too, beyond the sexting.

Original poster
bossmummy1 · 15/10/2014 12:35

Ok so been 6 dps (days post separation)
And I feel so confused still.
One minute I'm angry, hurt, and sure that I can't get bk with OH then I'm remembering the good times we had and miss him Sad
Then I'm back to the anger and hurt again?
He's finally backed off and is giving me the space I want and is massively trying to fix things with my dc (16,14 & 7)
Barr the 7yo he's spoke to my ds's about what he did, his feelings,his hopes for the future and of course allowed them to talk freely and answered truthfully to any questions of theirs with no EB.
so now I'm not sure if this is his way of trying to prove how much he does regret what he did and truly wants to the person I deserve which makes me feel maybe I can try to move ahead with him and hopefully make a stronger newer better marriage.
I know it's still early in the break but I dnt know how to figure this out I have no clue how or wen I will know what I want?
I know I need time but I don't want this dangling on a string senario for me or him to know which way ours lives will go.
Any advice on how to know for sure?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/10/2014 12:52

He's finally backed off and is giving me the space

You asked for this on Friday, when did he finally agree (in his actions, not his words)?

a stronger newer better marriage

I don't believe in this post-betrayal. I think you can hope for "different".

One minute I'm angry, hurt, and sure that I can't get bk with OH then I'm remembering the good times we had and miss him

It seems a good situation to try Relate.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/10/2014 13:01

"One minute I'm angry, hurt, and sure that I can't get bk with OH then I'm remembering the good times we had and miss him"

This is normal. If you had a bad tooth that had been giving you grief and then had it removed, you'd be still conscious of the gap in your mouth after just six days... doesn't mean you want the pain back.

Give yourself a good few weeks to get more acclimatised to solo life and new routines. When you feel calmer and more settled, then work out what you want. Not while it's all still up in the air.

Fairenuff · 15/10/2014 16:25

Yes, you are going to need several weeks away from him to give it all time to sink in and give yourself plenty of thinking time. There is no rush. If you are going to try again then you will years and years together, the rest of your lives. If you are going to separate that isn't a decision that needs to be rushed into.

So, either way, you need lots of time and, luckily, that is the one thing that he can give right now. You might start to see him become impatient and that would show you that he is not really thinking of you and your needs. If he does give you space and leave you alone for several weeks, you might have something there to start to work on. Anything less and it's still all about what he wants and he won't change.

So really that's how you figure it out. See how long he can respect your wish for space and that will tell you how he really feels about you.

Original poster
bossmummy1 · 20/10/2014 14:38

I know it's only been 10 day and I'm probably annoying ppl with my rantings but just putting an update with hopeful replies?
Ok so been in contact with OH just msgin no actual face 2 face.
He has totally had a 180 with dc's he's more calm attentive and is working very hard to build bridges and a better stronger bond. ( 1 they really never had b4)
With me he has given words of promises to change and do whatever he can to fix what he's done. He has idea's such as 'dating' me again, doing more with the family that he didn't b4. Taken full responsibility for his wrong doing and how ashamed, embarrassed & regretful he is over the pain he has caused to me and what children have had to suffer due to his deed.
He tells me he knows how he will have a long hard Rd to gain my trust bk and he's willing to do what ever needs to be done to get there.
As I'm still all over the place still atm I kinda want to believe him but still have reservations due to my distrust and pain of betrayal.
I suppose my question is does he seem genuinely like a man truly sorry 4 his error and wants me back as he really does love me or am I being cynical and thinking it's his way of telling me what I want to hear just to take him back??
I do love him and I do miss him but not as I thought I would, I don't know if its because even when we were together we really didn't spend time together, even tho we lived in the same house he was always on his games when we had evenings together after work i'd read a book and we'd sit on opposite sofas, basically 4 a while we kinda lived separate but together, it's very weird 2 explain?? Or if the fact that I dnt miss him as massively as he probably does me is because somehow my true feelings are trying to squeeze out?
Plus with my mum staying atm I don't feel alone if u get me?
Still messed up in my head over my feelings lol I'm actually annoyed at myself to get this sorted just so I know where my life's going rather than this limbo atm.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 20/10/2014 14:50

Nobody changes in 10 days.

Nobody.

Fairenuff · 20/10/2014 15:06

You need more time. Like I said before, you will need several weeks away from him before you can even begin to get your thoughts together coherently enough to make these important decisions.

Why are you messaging so much? Right now, he should not be in your ear promising you all sorts. He has already promised you fidelity, remember, and he broke that one.

Ask him for space. Arrange for him to collect the children for the day eow and that is it. You need no other contact with him. If he means what he says, he will agree to this:

He tells me he knows how he will have a long hard Rd to gain my trust bk and he's willing to do what ever needs to be done to get there

Tell him that what you need is radio silence from him. I bet he won't give you that. What ever it takes, my arse.

One simple thing. Can he do it for you? What do you think OP?

Original poster
bossmummy1 · 20/10/2014 17:22

Sorry to ask but what is OP? LOL
Also it's not me msgin him it's him me, I did say the odd text regarding kids is fine but no heavy stuff as it puts pressure on me and I dnt need his guilt, but he starts off good the reverts bk to long promise msgs,what he'll do/change etc asking 2 send emails with things he needs to say.Asking me how I feel and if I could see us trying again...and so on.
I know I shouldn't coz he's the wrong one but my personality gets in the way n I can't help but feel sorry 4 him and although he's done me seriously wrong I do try to be caring. I know a lot of ppl wud love to slap me upside the head 4 that comment but that's just me lol

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 20/10/2014 17:51

OP is the Original Poster boss and that would be you Smile

So on the one hand he promises you the earth, swears he will do anything for you, yet on the other hand he refuses to do the one thing you've asked him to do.

Does that not show you how meaningless his words are?

Jan45 · 20/10/2014 18:10

Sorry but his actions are purely selfish, he is not considering what you want at all - up to you, you can feel sorry for him all you won't, it wont change the fact he shat all over your relationship with your friend and called it harmless fun..............please put yourself first here, for once.

Did he feel sorry for you when he was going behind your back?

You must remember OP, you are not responsible for any of this, he is and he is not respecting you still.

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