Found out I was a 'secret' baby

[OurDayWillCome]

My relationship with my mother has never been great. She had me when she was very young and obviously I always assumed I wasn't planned, but a relative drunkenly revealed at a family event that nobody knew she was pregnant until she was rushed to hospital. Apparently she told my aunty she needed to leave work early as she had pains in her stomach and thought she might have appendicitis, then she was taken to hospital and my Dad received a phonecall telling him she was in labour. I became very upset when she told me as nobody has ever even alluded to this, even my grandmother who is very candid. My aunty was then sketchy about the rest of the details, but said that my mum had gone from very skinny to around a size 14. She said that my Dad didn't know, but how could he have not noticed? She said that my Mum always said that she didn't know she was pregnant, but my aunty suspected she did but didn't want to tell her mum as their relationship wasn't great either. My partner doesn't understand why I'm angry and upset about this. I haven't told my mum I know and there's no way I would. It's made me feel like I'm a dirty little secret that nobody's dared to talk about for over 30 years.

You know both your mum and your dad? Did you grow up with them? But you think you're a dirty little secret?

I don't know. Its horrible when you find out things about your mum. My dad told me my mum had two back street abortions before she met him, and she'd hinted at having one abortion in hospital aged fourteen. Certainly explained some of the unpleasant things she said to me a s a child.

So I know its a shock to hear things you didn't know about your parents.
But it seems like you had two parents, and an extended family, when you were growing up. Isn't that a win over some people?

Yes, I don't doubt I was lucky to have both parents and extended family growing up and still here today. I just wonder why everyone has intentionally kept it a secret from me. I'm probably over reacting, but for some reason its upset me. It's very self indulgent, but it makes me sad that perhaps she never even wanted me (which explains a lot) and that nobody looked forward to me being born, or prepared for my arrival. My own DS wasn't planned, but how someone can keep the fact that they're pregnant a secret baffles me. I feel like I should feel sorry for the situation she was in, but I don't. Perhaps I'm making too much out of it.

I think the clue is in My relationship with my mother has never been great.

you are at the receiving end of her resentment and regret
it is her issues you are suffering from

shame she isn't prepared to forget the past and just be honest that it was tough and she was frightened of her dad etc.

I had a friend who did what your mother did,and it was because she was scared of being pressured into an abortion when she knew she wanted the baby.

It could have been for the same reason that your mother kept you secret.

I used to be a teenage pregnancy midwife and looked after quite a lot of girls who had concealed their pregnancies.

It's a very complex situation. One one hand it is very hard to imagine reaching full or almost full term without being aware. On the other, the brain is astonishingly complicated and definitely can screen out situations which are too big, terrifying and difficult to cope with. Or, some girls are aware but terrified and simply reach a point when it has gone on too long to pluck up the courage to speak.

It might be that when they did find out the family preferred to keep quiet so the subject just didn't get mentioned. Either way it sounds like your mum wasn't well supported and might still feel very sad and traumatised about it all.

What you need to know is that all the girls I looked after were passionate about their babies, just not the situation they were in. Instead of a happy time the pregnancy and birth will have been beyond frightening and traumatic. Even thirty years ago she might have believed that she would be forced to give you up for adoption.

Yon say you don't have a good relationship but not why. That's fine but I would got for one nano second think that you weren't wanted. Quite the reverser is more likely to be true. I think that if you possibly can you should try to ask her about it all because it really has upset you and only she has the answers.

Sorry you found out about this in this way. It would upset most people but yes, almost certainly unplanned ( like a huge section of society, me included) but not unwanted.

some girls are aware but terrified and simply reach a point when it has gone on too long to pluck up the courage to speak.

I did this. No one knew I was pg until three weeks before he was born. I wasnt very big until that point and hid it well. I was just too frightened to tell anyone, I had a terrible relationship with my own mother at the time and I was certain she would chuck me out. I didnt know I was pg until I was almost 6 months when he was moving about a lot so termination wouldnt have been an option, but I was just to scared to tell anyone.

I havent deliberately kept it a secret but it isnt something I really talk about, how do you bring that up? And just because I didnt tell anyone I was having him didnt mean that I didnt love him and want him, it was just a very difficult time for me. He is 23 now and although he knows some of what went on he doesnt know everything because its never come up in a way that would make it easy to talk about.

I should add that if he should ask me then of course I would tell him and explain why I did what I did. I would never want him to feel that he was unwanted, my decision was no reflection on how I felt about him.

I think you are feeling this more because of the poor relationship with your mother.

We have a 'surprise' baby in our family, now grown up, and to be honest once she was here the exact circumstances of that were pretty unimportant to us. I have no idea if she knows or not. It's not that anyone thought it was secret, certainly the family were all told about it and we weren't asked to keep it secret in anyway. It's just, well, pretty much forgotten about. I actually HAD forgotten all about it until I read your post. It was not a big enough deal for someone to make a point of telling her. Her mum also claimed at the time not to have realised she was pregnant. Yes, sometimes teenage mums fib about this. But yes, sometimes it can also be true, for women of all ages.

This now adult baby, was never a dirty little secret, never someone not to be talked about. OK, none of us planned for her, but I have to say it was a pretty amazing and exciting surprise for us all instead. Different to how it all usually happens, but still great.

Wonderful words Matilda. Life is highly complex and it's not always easy to accept or understand some of the huge emotions involved in many aspects of our lives. Some people plan for their children but for many millions of conceptions, the pregnancy was the simple result of having sex, not a decision to create a life. Your mum may not really have wanted to have sex but was pressurised into it possibly and once pregnant found herself alone and unsupported with the terrifying prospect of having created a life growing inside her.
You are not a dirty little secret. The family have no doubt dealt with it in the only way they were able to.
Always remember, your mum could have taken the decision to have you adopted but she didn't. Perhaps don't analyse it all too much. It belongs to the realms of history. We change over the years as do morals and acceptance. Let it rest now because no matter how many times you go over it, you simply cannot change what has happened.

not quite sure what to say, but just to say , can understant how much it can hurt

I think that when this has happened in a family, once they are over the shock, have bought all the equipment etc, it is no longer important and they will carry on as a normal family, and love the baby just the same as if they knew it was going to arrive.

I knew of several girls who had this happen when I was young (late 70s). To get a pregnancy test you would have had to go to a family doctor, or a family planning clinic if you were lucky to have one close by. One girl I know plucked up courage to go to her doctor, a family friend, and found that the daughter, a school friend who wanted to go into medicine, was sitting in at the consultation. She felt trapped, made something up and went away and put it off, until eventually had the baby in a friend's bathroom. No one realised, they just thought she had got a bit fat. Another had hers in her own bathroom, and another was found out before term - she had twins.

My son is 17 and told me recently that his best friend (girl) had a baby. I couldn't believe. Turned out she told no one, wore long scarves and baggy clothes and went into labour whilst her dad was asleep after a night shift. Her screams woke him up.

She is doing well now and loves her son. I can't imagine how scared she was. I think with you this is more about your relationship with your mum now. I hope you find peace.