Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Advice about DPs daughter

25 replies

Stupidhead · 10/10/2014 14:00

Complicated!

DP divorced his EA and physically abusive ex about 10 years ago. They had a daughter who is now 20. There was a lot of debt (ex wife) and the divorce got quite nasty. DP won but used his payoff to clear her debts. He then had little contact with his daughter as ex would make it hard. He went to court to try and couldn't afford to go further. Ex cut daughter out of his life, his mums (only grandparent girl has) life and moved 10 miles away. He really fought as much as he could, following ex's car to new home, dropping off cards and gifts until being threatened by police and ex's new bf who is in a motorbike gang (looks like a chimpanzee though).

Me and DP got together 4 years ago, after a year he found his daughter on FB and spent a month chatting, exchanging messages and they planned to meet. She was ecstatic to have him back. A week before the meeting he found she'd blocked him. Off radar, no contact and no answers. This plunged him into a massive dark hole. His ex was very controlling and I guess she found out, daughter had wanted to tell her mum the night before she disappeared into thin air. She was 17/18 then but still quite childish in a shy, doing what her mum says type way.

It was daughters bday yesterday, she turned 20. I have found her on FB (again) and Twitter. Do I risk sending her a message? DP wouldn't and doesn't have any social media, he's also terrified of going back into that hell if she suddenly disappears again.

I sent her a message last year on FB without telling him, when I did he was all excited at whether she'd replied. She hadn't. I guess she either didn't reply or it had gone into 'others' that no one checks anyway.

She still lives at home, is p/t in college and looking for a job.

What would you do?

OP posts:

pippop1 · 10/10/2014 14:03

I think you should tell DP and ask him what he wants to do.

Oakmaiden · 10/10/2014 14:15

Would she be able to find you on Facebook? Because if could, but hasn't, then my guess is that she doesn't want to.

You could send a brief message on your own behalf just to say hi and see how she is, and see how she responds. But don't be surprised if she doesn't respond at all.

Although - just thinking now - sometimes messages from people you aren't friends with on facebook disappear into a little hidden section of the inbox, so it is possible she didn't/wouldn't see it. I only found out it existed after reading a recent thread on here, and there were all sorts of proposals of marriage interesting messages from various people from days gone by...

Original poster

Stupidhead · 10/10/2014 14:25

I know I should ask DP but I'm worried he'd get excited only to be crashed down again so I would send it on my behalf. The only Ray of sunshine is that her FB is still the same as it was when we initially found her so although she blocked us (DP is deactivated now) she must have also unblocked us at some point later.

I barely use Twitter but can you send a private message to someone on there you aren't following (or friends with or whatever it's called!)?

OP posts:

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 10/10/2014 14:25

Without meaning to sound rude, what does this have to do with you? If your DP wishes to contact his daughter, or if she wishes to contact him, they are both adults and able to do so. If I were you, I'd keep out of it. In fact, a message from you just highlights the fact that her own father isn't making the effort to contact her at the moment (the blocking on facebook doesn't mean that he could write a letter, for example).

He really fought as much as he could, following ex's car to new home, dropping off cards and gifts until being threatened by police
That sounds a lot like stalking & harassment, remember you're only hearing one side of the story here.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 10/10/2014 14:25

that he COULDN'T write a letter, doh typo.

Quitelikely · 10/10/2014 14:25

Do you know for certain that there was a valid reason her mother didn't want him in her life?

Secondly if the dd knows both if your names and you readily contactable via FB then you should just leave it up to her to contact you.

I mean if she hasn't done so by now it's because she doesn't want to or rather doesn't want to upset her mother.

Original poster

Stupidhead · 10/10/2014 14:27

Pipop, I had left it but it was her birthday yesterday and he was a bit down and admitted he felt hurt and sad about it. Most of the time it doesn't appear to cross his mind - I'm sure it does, a lot - but milestones yknow.

OP posts:

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 10/10/2014 14:30

It's absolutely not your place. You were way out of order last year. If your DP could be bothered he could send her a message. You keep out of it.

Original poster

Stupidhead · 10/10/2014 14:33

I know I'm only getting one side of the story, fully aware of that. He has sent letters in the past that she didn't receive. His ex is very vindictive. It's not only his word I have on that, or his family's. His friends have confided in me about 'her', a neighbour he had from years ago came up to him in Asda and went on about how the way 'she' used to talk to him was disgusting. He has a mild stammer, one old friend of his was telling me that he could barely speak then.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stupidhead · 10/10/2014 14:38

Mymummade, my ex was a twat, total and utter EA VA freak. I have never stopped the children seeing him. I feel a fair bit of anger when women use children in battles so maybe I am blinkered in this respect, sorry. DP raised this girl virtually alone when they lived together.

OP posts:

pippop1 · 10/10/2014 14:52

Well maybe encourage DP to try contacting her whilst counselling him not to expect anything.

It's sad for him.

Floggingmolly · 10/10/2014 14:56

The police don't threaten you for dropping off cards and gifts to your daughter.. There's is a lot more to this that you aren't privy to; be very careful, you have no idea what your meddling will unveil.

Original poster

Stupidhead · 10/10/2014 15:06

Flogging, he went to pick her up one day as arranged and ex stopped him at the door. His daughter was sobbing on the stairs screaming for him, he barged the door open catching ex's arm. Yep, I know not good. She called the police and he was released without charge over this incident. They divorced because of her violence and EA.

OP posts:

justmuddlingalong · 10/10/2014 15:18

Have you met her?

Original poster

Stupidhead · 10/10/2014 15:19

No, I've never met her.
I've chatted to her on FB when he first found her but that's all.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 10/10/2014 18:55

Have you actually seen the divorce papers?

I would be very wary - and I would keep out of the relationship with the daughter.

hoobypickypicky · 10/10/2014 19:04

I would do nothing. This wouldn't be anything to do with me. It's be between two independent adults.

I agree with OneDayWhenIGrowUpand Floggingmolly and I'd really recommend that you take a step back and have a good, hard think. You're far too invested in the relationship with the father of this young woman to be objective about the circumstances surrounding their estrangement or his former relationship with his ex.

If you met my ex you'd be told that I'm this, that and the other. I know you would, he's said it to enough people. The fact is that I know I'm not and I've never done the things he alleges I have, but you wouldn't know that because you'd only have his word for it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/10/2014 19:50

stupidhead

I would keep out of it, not for the biased reasons that one, hoobyand flogging are giving but because its between one "independent adult" and one that in all likely hood has a toxic mother, it would just cause them both pain.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 10/10/2014 20:08

biased? Where was the need for that sly dig Boney? You know nothing about our personal circumstances and whether they bear any relation to the OP's situation, and you and I have stated the same reasons - that they are both adults. You're the one casting aspersions about a toxic mother, from second (third maybe?) hand information.

Anyway, we agree with the outcome at least.

Floggingmolly · 10/10/2014 20:11

I'm not particularly biased either... Purely objective opinion, which I assumed op was looking for?

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/10/2014 20:28

one and Flogging

Both of you have implied that the OP's DP is lying or hiding something.

You have extrapolated that with a lot less information than the op has given about the ex.

But we could argue and derail the thread.

shall we just agree that it would be best to leave the situation alone?

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 10/10/2014 20:40

Nope, the OP has implied that herself by what she has described in her post, we've just explained how it looks to objective outsiders, because sometimes, when you are biased and emotionally invested, it can be hard to see. It has nothing to do with any potential personal bias on our parts.

Either way, for sure OP, it's not your place to get involved in the situation, everyone agress on that!

Original poster

Stupidhead · 11/10/2014 00:58

Right, phew and thanks!
I haven't seen the divorce papers but I can if I want, they've been offered, they're available to me and not hidden - I just haven't needed to read them.

I appreciate and honestly thank you all, however dim or as much as a busy body you may assume. I really wanted opinions on this - not just what I wanted to hear.

He was pretty cut up last night. He misses and loves her and I may have got carried away wanting everything to work out.

I had a quick look on Twitter earlier and can't see how to send pms. But we've had a great night and I've decided to leave this. She honestly missed him so badly according to the chats we've had and messages/chat DP has said she sent. She IS 20 although still like a child but it's her decision and our house will always be open should she decide in the future.

Once again thanks. I wasn't doing this for my own means at all and appreciate all advice x

I was only going to contact her about her dad wishing her a happy birthday and his (our) new addres plus his mob number which has changed.

OP posts:

myfurbyisalive · 11/10/2014 02:58

You have taken a lot of what he has taken as genuine when to me it sounds like bollocks.

Apparently he did try to see his daughter but it cost him a lot of money so he thought, fuck it I'll just give up and lose all contact with her.

Apparently he was supposed to have a visit with his daughter, his exW randomly decided to not allow access for no apparent reason and when she prevented him entering her home he 'accidentally brushed her arm' ffs. This is beyond not true. Even she did out of the blue deny him the visit, why try to barge into her house, how is that going to help?

I think the domestic abuse was probably on both sides from this little snippet.

Ex cut daughter out of his life .... and moved 10 miles away.

Is this a joke or did you miss a few 0's off?

You say the daughter is 20 but is still child like and not adult enough to make her own decisions. How the hell do you know this. You haven't had any contact with her??

I really don't know why you are involved in this to the extent you are and are trying to be some sort of relationship counselor. If your DP gives a fuck about his daughter as much as he pretends he does then he would make the effort himself to contact his own daughter.

As someone who's father abandoned her the same way your DP did to his daughter, the absolute last thing I would want after years of NC is some random bint who has nothing to do with me (sorry but that's what you are to her) getting involved in a very delicate area of my life. And all this you saying HB on his behalf would just reinforce it further that my father still does not give a shit and cant be arsed making an effort with me.

hotblacktea · 11/10/2014 03:30

don't get involved and be very careful in all this, you only have one side of the story and there are massive red flags everywhere

Flip