Need perspective on Christmas plans

[GingerPuddin]

Last Christmas, DH and I spent it just the three of us. This year he said he wanted to do the same, but I wasn't so happy about that. Both of our families live in another country, but about two hours apart from each other, so when we go back we see both. I'm an only child and since my grandfather died last Feb, I'm the only family my parents have. But since DH felt strongly about it just being us again, I gave in to make him happy. This decision was made in the summer.
Since then, DH's dad's cancer may have come back. He's been in remission for about 15 years, but his numbers are increasing. This has happened several times over the years and they have put him on new medication and things have levelled out. One doc is suggesting chemo, but another doc disagrees. He's on another medication, but hasn't seen the doc again to see if its helping.
Now that this has come out, DH wants to go home for Christmas. I'm upset since now my parents have made plans to go away for Christmas and they can't easily be changed without losing their deposit. I totally understand that DH wants to spend time with his Dad (also his dad is 83 but acts about 20 years younger). I'm upset that I wanted to spend Christmas with my family, but put that aside since DH didn't want to, but now he's decided he does want to. I feel like what I wanted didn't matter and now I can't spend Christmas with my parents even if we do go back.
I'm I being totally unreasonable about all of this? DH often makes plans, which I go along with, and then he changes his mind and I have to scramble or don't get to do whatever. I don't know if my anger about not seeing my parents is clouding my feeling about all of this. I need some perspective.
We haven't made a final decision about what to do about Christmas and I don't know if I should stick to my guns and say that we stay here. His parents are coming next week and we'll see them again in April when they come and visit.

Sadly, when you put 'old man with cancer' in the mix of any argument, you're very unlikely to win. It's like a trump card isn't it? On the specific problem, when are your parents back from their Christmas break? Can you stay on a little longer so that you see your FIL and them as well?

More generally, it doesn't sound at all right that you end up caving to all DH's plans and mind-changes. Yes, it will be influencing the resentment you feel over the Christmas plans. I think the lesson to take away is that this is the last time you do it. No more caving. No more scrambling. Not even if 'old man with cancer' is involved.

You're not unreasonable to be annoyed about the situation, no. However "dad with cancer" trumps any argument you can come up with.

But if this is the pattern of your relationship, then it's time to stop going along with your DH's plansand asserting your wishes a bit more.

I'd start by saying what you do next Christmas is entirely your choice.

Thanks. It's true that it's mainly past behavior that is influencing my feelings. Plus it's my moms 65th this year and she wants us to come visit in the summer to celebrate and DH has been really reluctant to commit to going. I think I'll say we can go back for Christmas but come hell or high water we're going back for moms birthday too.

I think you need to sit him down and explain that while he might not realise he's doing it, he does make plans and expect you to fit in with them, without giving thought to your feelings. That while you will go back to see his dad this christmas (and speak to your parents, they might be able to move that holiday this far in advance), you expect him to stop just thinking about what he wants and how he feels when planning trips back, but to include thinking about your feelings and what matters to you.

And you need to be a little less passive - if you wanted to go back this year, then your feelings about that are as valid as your DH's desire not to. Why did you just prioritise what he wanted? Do you always do that?

It seems you put him first and he puts him first. If he's going to be selfish about what he wants then you need to do the same.

Tell him that you're committing to going and, whether he goes with you or not, that's what will be happening. You're not joined at the hip...

I think you should have spoken up in the summer about your desire to go away for Xmas.

I think if it's his dad has cancer then that is a strong enough reason to head off over there, tbf to your dh he wasn't planning to go before the diagnosis.

In future stand up for yourself and your wants. In a fair relationship, a compromise should always be on the agenda iykwim.

Yeah I'm usually very passive because to me loving someone means you want them to be happy. But I do need to stand up more for myself. It's something I struggle with a lot.

If you're passive and constantly roll over, no matter how much you love someone, they end up having no respect for you. All you get then is their contempt... and that's not a fair trade by any means.

Have you ever considered looking into assertiveness training?

In this instance there is no way you should not go at Christmas.

But from now on be more assertive about your wishes and make sure that at least 50% of the time you get your wishes. Also if he changes his mind then he can do all the reorganising or lump it.