Shut up, put up with it

[Brownbanana]

Is this abuse.
Husband struggles with emotions, I suspect on the autistic spectrum. Unable to understand conversations about feelings, everything black and white. Had a difficult childhood, grew up in negative atmosphere, no demonstration of love, parents divorced when he was young.
I am pretty much the opposite, ironically my work revolves around people and relationships.
Together ten years, two young children.
He will not talk about ANYTHING, life is superficial, I've learnt to not try and discuss stuff as his reaction is always 'you are irritating me', then ignoring me, then shouting and finally storming out of the house. He's happy to act like that in front of the children. He is incapable of having a discussion, if I don't see everything his way his anger kicks in, he has never tried to see my point of view, it's as if he doesn't have the ability to. Due to this I don't bring up subjects that would 'irritate' him and the arguments are infrequent. However last night I did, only about him taking time off work (self employed workaholic, I think he feels safe there, I suggested he should spend some time with the family in future school holidays). My daughter woke due to the shouting and cried.
I think I live in fear of his moods. When he comes home I often feel as though a black cloud has appeared. I am so happy in our home with the children, when he gets in I feel nervous.
Is it worth trying to talk, getting him to understand how I feel? Can he change? He refuses counselling, there's no chance of him opening up to a stranger. I know his reaction would be to walk away from our marriage rather than discuss it, put his head in the sand. I haven't gone back to work, currently retraining, I do have an escape route but it is drastic and would mean taking the children away from everything they know. I feel as though that's what I want though, I want to run away.
Thank you for reading.

"Is it worth trying to talk, getting him to understand how I feel?"

No. Whatever is underlying this behaviour, whether it's a psychiatric condition or just a common-or-garden selfish/bullying personality, he can see how you feel, doesn't see it as a problem and refuses counselling. That's the end of that. You're left with two choices..... a) accept he is not going to change and tolerate it or b) accept he is not going to change and reject it.

I would suggest that, if you want to run away, you start putting your escape route into action rather than forcing your DCs to experience this for much longer.

It's not a good environment for your dc to grow up in - emotions need to be a shared thing within a marriage and family.

You can just file for divorce and wait for him to move out as you're main carer, depends if you think he would make your life unbearable whilst you are sharing a house but seperated.

Thank you.
I am scared, I never imagined I could be a single parent, to outsiders we are living the dream. He knows there is a problem but to him it's simple 'I am who I am, I won't change' and I don't think I can carry on keeping quiet. It isn't easy for me so I blow up every couple of months. I feel so sad and wish there was another way.
The house would have to be sold so that we both had somewhere to live, we don't have the money to pay for a rented property each month.

I don't understand why you would marry and have children with a man like this, which suggests to me that he wasn't as bad then and has got worse. In which case, he chooses to act like this with you and he can change if he wants to, but he doesn't want to. It doesn't sound good.

'I am who I am, I won't change'

It's sad when you're given an ultimatum like that ie. take it or leave it.

I'm a single parent. I and my DS have a wonderfully calm, loving home where daft stuff happens, there are lots of laughs and there's rarely a cross word. There are challenges, don't get me wrong, but they are manageable. There would be no place in our home for some angry man making children cry....

Don't keep quiet. Confide in people in real life. Release the pressure. Make plans for a happier future.

brownbanana I sympathise, the dynamic between my h and I is the same down to the fact that he had a harder upbringing than I did (an alcoholic father who left when he was 15). He too will not discuss anything of any importance without it becoming an argument.

We have 3 dc and I often consider divorce. The reality of it and what h and I would both lose is very very frightening however.

All of this compounded by the fact that he shows me no affection whatsoever and I often wonder what I am doing here .

Not much help, sorry, but your situation really resonated.

And what the dc would lose

(My h is also self-employed and a workaholic).

Mitzi, he has got worse over the years, and I wonder why, whether it's age or stress or or or, I just don't know. The fun has gone though, Cogito, I want a home filled with laughter and people. I have to go out now, thank you for your advice. If anyone's been in a similar situation I really would appreciate hearing your experiences. Thank you. I'm not ready to confide in rl.

Texting, thank you. It is the same here, and I fear what we would all lose, materially we have so much and I am surrounded by wonderful friends, yet all I want to do is escape, it's too much for me now. I'm so sorry that you feel the same...

Have you tried being more like him and seeing what reaction you get .

For example you say "I'm going on holiday with the kids next year to see family" or whatever the argument was about.

Stating what you're doing might help you decide whether his behaviour is a condition or put on cos he's an arse.

Don't argue, don't ask permission, don't initiate discussion where the outcomes aren't decided - state what you're going to do

This will also give you some emotional distance and bring back a feeling of control to you.

Ultimately of course you can't stay in a relationship where there is NO negotiation or taking any feelings into account as robots don't fuck or have relationships

Children can and do cope with change as long as it's carefully managed.

It sounds to me as if they too will have to tiptoe around their father when they are a bit older which is a terrible way to live. It will also be a very poor model for the future.

Also living under the black cloud of an unpleasant person in the household is horrible for children.

I take it there is no point at ALL in trying to talk to your husband about this, given that his refusal to communicate is the whole problem?

Put up and shut up! I don't think so.

In the first instance I would write him an email detailing his inappropriate, stubborn behaviour over the years and telling him the impact it has had on you.

Tell him as he refuses to talk about these things you thought an email would be more appropriate.

State that separation is imminent and tell him you wish to be amicable. Tell him what you plan to do next, then get on with it. See how he likes that.

Whatever you do, don't waste your one and only chance in earth being unhappy.

Good luck

My ex could be very much like this. He would shut down if he didn't like the conversation, was obviously depressed/stressed sometimes but refused to see a doctor about medication or consider counselling even though I was willing to be totally supportive and help him through what I thought was just a bad patch. I asked if we could consider going together but again that was a flat out no. We fought about mundane things often, just bickering really nothing truly awful, but when it becomes day in day out it starts to drain you without you noticing. When he left I was actually REALLY happy. I actually enjoyed living alone ( no DC as I'm infertile), and I realised all the confidence I had lacked in certain situations was down to him and anticipating his reactions or what his reaction would be when we got home/away from other people.

If he wanted to change he would. My ex left because he didn't want to miss a train while I lay on the sofa with my sick cat. The cat who I love dearly, became unwell late on a sunday night, I slept on the sofa with the cat and at 7am when he left I was crying and asking him to stay to help me get him to the vets when they opened. He said he wouldn't miss the train to his mothers so I said to go, that was the last straw for me. He has said things along the lines constantly about me not coping without him, how I would be on the phone to him begging him to come back once he got there (had planned to stay there for 3 weeks). I told him not to come back, didn't call even once. He was shocked when it sunk in that I was coping perfectly well without him. He wanted me back and said he would change, I told him no, he had many chances before and he had proved to me that I was not his priority, he was. He begged a lot, I did consider it for a while as the promises sounded reasonable and I'm not one to throw away something that could be worked on. We had been together for 5 years. Letting it go was the best thing I ever did and now I'm in a good relationship I look back and go "wow that was actually horrible, what on earth was I thinking staying with him?!". Give him an ultimatum, but don't expect him to say yes, if he does don't expect him to follow through on the promises.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

And no he won't change. He is not interested in changing nor does he want to. He is happy as he is. He has you all cowering in his presence.

Fear of the unknown likely keeps you within this but I would say feel the fear and do it anyway.

He is very much a product himself of his own dysfunctional upbringing. You married someone with such a dysfunctional history; presumably you thought he would change and perhaps you thought you could love him better. No he has not changed at all, he's just got worse over the years.

I actually doubt very much that he is at all on the ASD spectrum; if he has not been officially assessed by a professional who actually knows about ASD you should never even bring that into the equation.

Why are you together at all now?. This is no life for you and your children to be witnessing; your DD could end up marrying someone abusive just like her dad is towards you now. Your son could grow up to think that his dad's behaviours are normal. A loveless marriage like this is not any sort of model to be showing the children. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?.

You're scared but staying with this is far more scary not to say damaging for you all.

Children would rather have two parents apart and happier than two parents stuck in their own respective miseries. Forget material things, their home life currently is akin to a warzone where their dad has declared outright war on their mother. Material stuff counts for nothing when their home life is awful and you cannot protect them fully from his abuses of you.

If your friends are wonderful as you say tell them. Abuse thrives on secrecy and keeping this quiet helps no-one less of all you and your children who are also seeing and hearing a lot more than perhaps you care to realise.