Made a fake account to ask about baby

[ZaraLynford]

Slightly long winded but please bare with me.
Ok so I might sound really immature because the whole situation kind of is. I am 18 and the babies father is 23 but acts about 12. We was never together, only "seeing eachother" but it turned out he was just playing me around which I accepted. Anyway I fell pregnant in April and told him right away when I found out which was at 12 weeks. He told me to get an abortion right away and wasn't nice about it threatened what he would do if I didn't and told me to go off and kill myself, even offered me money to let him punch me in the stomach. I didn't want to abort because I had to have my 12 week scan before I considered that option and after the scan I just couldn't. Admittedly I wasn't straight with him I kept telling him I would eventually but deep down knew I wouldn't I was just scared of him. Anyway, it got to the point where I just point blank told him I couldn't and that I was going to keep the baby. He got so mad at first threats etc and then just calmed down told me he wished me best of luck but he didn't want to be involved because he wasn't ready for a child yet and he has so much more stuff he wants to do. He said that he understood I felt bad and didn't want the abortion but thats my choice and its his choice to not be involved and he was actually okay about it but just told me not to contact him again as he was back with his ex girlfriend.

I acknowledged this and thought fair enough. Anyway over the next sort of 2 weeks I got extremely worried about my situation and I felt like I needed him (I know have realized I am fine alone and that it was just an initial panic stage) Anyway I basically was texting him non stop with no replies about how the baby needed him and I needed him to be involved when he was born. He phoned me and just reiterated what he was saying about not being involved and was angry because his girlfriend had read his phone before he did and saw what I said. I was basically crying and he got mad calling me all the names under the sun. He then either blocked me or changed his number but he has like 4 different numbers but his main one wasn't getting through.

So I kinda learnt that I had to grow up and that it was my fault and I needed to sort this out by myself and that I didn't need him. I then got calls of with held numbers at early hours of the morning and voicemails by someone that sounded like him and I blocked call incoming calls because I just didn't want anything to do with him as I had time to reflect and block him out.

Ok so I am 26 weeks pregnant and had water leakage at 18 weeks which he knew about and the doctors told me I was at risk of pre term labor but luckily I have been lucky and made it past 24 weeks. So he was obviously expecting me to give birth earlier than my due date and must have known that I may already have had the baby.

So I get a message on whatsapp in the early hours from a number i don't have. I asked who it was and the person said they just had my number on their phone. His name was the same as babies dad and the photo was a photo of baby dads car but as soon as I asked who it was he changed it to something completely different as if to try and trick me. So I was fairly certain it was him so I asked if it was him and he was trying to fool me being like "no its not him who is he" and sounded really convincing but I wasn't convinced at all.

I started to think it could actually be some random man trying to chat me up so I told him I had a boyfriend and the reply was "how long you been with your man" I said 3 years and he said "you are lying are you going to tell me your having his baby" from that I knew it was him. I said yes I was pregnant but wasn't my boyfriends baby (i don't have a boyfriend) I said that my boyfriend was an ex I got back with after I fell pregnant with someone else. He was talking down himself (my babies dad) saying that hes horrible that he wants nothing to do with the baby etc. He then started asking personal questions. He asked me if my parents knew, what sex the baby was and what I planned to call the baby and asked to see a sonogram picture. He sent these questions in a long list. I said to him not being funny but I didn't want to talk to a stranger about that and he said "chill was just asking" I put "ok" and he asked the questions again to which I only answered the sex question, and he was like oh you will enjoy being a new mummy.

I then continued being blunt and when he asked me why I was being non responsive I said becasue I knew it was him, he said it wasn't and gave me his twitter name. I then told him I didn't care and that if it wasn't him it was his friend talking to me for him. He was then really horrible and said "from what your saying if he wanted to see the baby then you should let him but from what your saying he wants fuck all to do with you or the baby" i was like fair enough and then he was like "i wanted to talk to you because your hot i didn't want to hear about your problems"

I then didn't reply and blocked him. I thought it could actually be a random person that I had just made myself look like an idiot infront of until the night. So I had blocked him but could still see his profile on there and he had changed his picture to a picture of himself!!! (babies dad) and I went on the twitter he gave me and turned out it was a link to a profile of one of his mututal friends. So the account was him after all.

Why did he do this? To ask me questions about baby why could he not do it as himself or was it just to try get something else from me. I feel sort of bad (for the babies sake) that I didn't tell him the name scan pic etc but I just feel like he is a weirdo and doesn't deserve it. He has since blocked me on there after I blocked him.

He was probably drunk or bored or both and thought he would contact you.

I would try not to think too much about it as he doesn't seem to want to be involved at all. It was a good idea to block him. You are better off without him.

Maybe a few weeks after the baby is born you or a friend could send send a factual letter just to say the baby has been born then just forget him totally.

Do you have other people who are giving you support?

I don't think you should give too much thought to why he would be in touch, even assuming it was him in the first place. He's made his feelings very clear already, he's an abusive person, and you don't need him in your life or your baby's life at all. Someone who threatened you, told you to kill yourself, and offered to punch you in the stomach is a violent man who should really be behind bars if there was any justice... not sharing jolly scan pictures.

Do you have RL friends and family helping you? A baby is a big responsibility and you'll need good practical support. Get the CSA after this loser for maintenance but otherwise stay out of touch.

This is not a person you want within a mile of your baby.

Nothing is your fault. No man had the right to tell you what to do with your body, ever. At eighteen you may not have realised this yet. And if you were setting each other naked with any frequency then you were together and he is a cheating arse.

Your baby has you. S/he doesn't need this utter, utter loser. Give him no more of your attention than the ranting drunk on the night bus.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. I hope it all goes well and that the little one stays put for a good while yet.

when a 'stranger' starts to contact you like this, the only thing to do is to block them straight away.

If you don't know them, if they really are a stranger, it's completely out of line for them to be asking such personal questions and passing such personal comments.

If you do know them, they have no right to ask these questions.

He cheated on you repeatedly, you were one of a string. He lied to you. he wanted to pay you to hit you in the stomach. At the moment he's a really shit human being. You and your baby deserve a lot better than that.

You grew up. He hasn't.

If anyone tries something like this again, the moment you start to smell something fishy block them.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and your baby, it's hard work but a joy

He didn't cheat on me we where never together. But he knew I liked him and think he took that to his advantage to get me to run around after him giving me false hope and then would start talking to other people which would upset me.
I am lucky and do have support. I have only told close family and a very good friend for now but my mum and dad have agreed my choice as my mum doesn't believe in abortion at the stage I was when I found out too.
In regards to if it was him it was for sure him. I knew it was as soon as he contacted me just by the way he talked and I suspected it after I blocked him he changed his name and pic and status back to himself and then I think he realised I could still see it even though I blocked him and he blocked me. Before I blocked him I did send him a message before waiting for a reply just saying that I knew it was him and that id never stopped him from being involved and if he wanted to talk to me about the baby then do it on the phone or in person as himself but if he doesn't then don't play around with me because it's not fair.

I just kind of am a bit worried. I know what his friends are like and there all really rough as he is too. I'm nervous that he used the fake account to try get me to fool for it and meet that person I thought I was talking too and then show up himself and do something to me. I met him a similar way, we where chatting on social media and then met up so I think he thinks I would do the same which I wouldn't even if the person was real.

He might just have wanted to know some things. Repeatedly the fake man (him) would ask me why I thought this was something babies dad would do if he didn't want anything to do with him and I said because he loves knowing stuff just don't want to be involved. I just feel kinda bad that maybe he does want to know things and felt the only way he could do it was if he was someone else because of the shame of what he said to me? But I'm probably being to soft

He's most likely keeping you on the back burner for sex and trying to work out if you're going to chase him for money or not. Don't ascribe complex reasoning to his behaviour - it's probably just exactly what it looks like.

Don't engage with him. You've done the right thing telling him to be straight with you if he wants to be involved. He will get in touch if he wants to do that.

There's a good blog I follow - I'm trying to find you some links, hold on.

"and then show up himself and do something to me"

I dread to think what 'do something' means. Please spend the rest of your pregnancy looking after yourself & being solely with friends and family who you know and trust. Don't go meeting him or anyone else that randomly sends you messages on social media. You've already been burned once that way. Repeating the mistake would be stupid.

There is no baby yet. He has no rights over you, your body, your pregnancy and he actually has no rights over the baby when it arrives. Your baby is going to be 100% your responsibility if they are to stay safe. Please remember that rather than harbouring fantasies of him wanting to be any kind of friend, let alone father.

Children having children.
Zara step away from wassapp/ fb/ Instagram/ the lot. It's never a good idea to chat to randoms.
good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, talk to your midwife and rl friends and start building up a good support network.

It's time for you to grow up big time, as well.

Stop chasing after loser rough aggressive men you want to have relationships with. Choose better in future, now it's not just you who will be effected. Your baby can't afford for you to have a thing for 'bad boys'.

Stop trying to engage with this man. He is dangerous. If you suspected it was him, you should have stopped the conversation there and then and blocked it. He was a 'stranger' trying to have a bizarre personal conversation with you, then you thought it was him, then you thought it wasn't him, then you thought it was, and you kept it going...why?

In fact, stop talking to strange men through social media, at least for now while you have to concentrate on your baby, and until you've developed a better sense about men.

Try not to look at his actions through your perspective - he isn't you, and he may have totally different reactions to stuff. Whereas you're assuming he will be naturally curious about the baby, he might be uninterested, territorial, disgusted, freaked out. Where you're thinking "He must be embarrassed or shy to use a fake persona" he could just be playing games or trying to figure out what you want/think/are doing so that he can tell you what you want to hear.

You are most likely to him a backup relationship now, the "fallback girl" as referenced by that website. He doesn't really want to do the whole domestic family baby thing yet but the fact that the baby exists is quite useful leverage for him if/when things go tits up in his current relationship. He can sell you a dream of you being a happy family all together and claim some bollocks like "I was just scared before, now I know what I want." The baby is like a relationship rain check which he can cash in whenever he wants, he probably thinks. Don't get sucked into relationship promises that he makes - if he wanted to be with you, he would have dumped his current GF as soon as he found out and stood by you. He doesn't, ergo he's not going to magically want that in the future.

When he keeps a foothold in your life

Overthinking ;)

Loads more on that site but I'll leave it as those three. I was with a total ridiculous manchild at 18 as well (he was also 23!), 8 years later we have a 6 year old child who he hasn't seen for 4 years and he has gone on to have another child (who he also doesn't see) and apparently he's just knocked somebody else up. Depressing TBH. Meanwhile I'm married to a lovely man who treats DS as his own and we're getting on with our lives, which are great. I didn't find out about these kind of relationships (good ones!!) until I found mumsnet and I wish I'd had these baggage reclaim blogs when I was 18.

Good luck with everything, you'll be alright :) don't mess around meeting random people and don't worry about him and his friends. They won't be interested in doing anything to you. If anything "rough" guys quite often tend to have the attitude that you should look out for your kids, they certainly wouldn't wish harm on you.

He didn't cheat on me we were never together.

Darling, you were. He's done a real number on you the unforgivable bastard. And even if you weren't in a relationship together, he was with someone else at the time which means he's a cheating lowlife anyway.

This thread is making me so sad. It reminds me so much of when I was 18, when my expectations of men were "doesn't hit, occasionally smiles in my direction". You are worth so much more.

I agree. Look, you admit yourself you have made mistakes in harassing this guy in the past, and you have come through that. That's great.

But you really need to stop engaging with random men on social media or phone apps, just because you think it might be your ex pretending to be someone else. There is no reason why you should be talking to random weirdos like that. All it will do is cause you worry, stress and confusion.

Take a massive step back from all the social media, and focus on the baby and your future.

I don't make it a regular thing talking to random guys. I deleted all social networking sites when we stopped talking with the exception of Whatsapp which is an app that connects with your phone number to talk on which most people with Iphones have. Before I got pregnant I did used to talk to a lot of men, nothing bad just as any other teenage girl would do and was just enjoying life and having fun. I got out of a relationship that I was in since I was 13 about a month before I slept with him so I just wanted to have fun as I felt like I had missed out.

When I found out I was pregnant I changed my number because I didn't want any of those previous people I was talking to to contact me. I was still talking to babies dad at the time so he has the number (the one that im now using) but apart from that the only people that have it are literally about 5 friends and family members and him so these are the only people who can contact me on whatsapp; which is another reason I knew it was him as if it was another person that "just had my number saved" it would have been my old one.

He stopped talking to me after we spent the whole night talking about the situation and then we had an argument and he explained he wasn't going to talk to me anymore. It did upset me for about 2 weeks because I felt totally lost and felt like id never come through it. Obviously I did and actually cared less and less as the weeks went by was just panicking because I was pregnant and felt like I needed someone. Like as soon as I found out it was him it was like my head was running in to over drive and i was trying to find reasons why and now its just brought everything back. I guess I am just overly paranoid about why he contacted me and what his intention was. I guess only what everyone can do including me is speculate about why. I just don't understand why he would ask sex/names/how the pregnancy is going/ how my parents are taking it and ask to see pictures if he wasn't interested, but aside from that I don't see why he would constantly tell me that "he is not him and if I should talk to babies dad" and he even said "If he wants to see the baby then you should let him but it sounds like he doesn't want too" like why would he say that

I just feel like my head is going to explode. He really has messed me up totally and continuing to do so even though I told him before we stopped talking to stop because I couldn't take it. I have bipolar, I am at uni (so have the stress of that too) although my mum and dad have promised support by that they mean financial support opposed to emotional support as they have never been there for me. I live on my own basically, they have another home about an hour away and there only here on weekends really and occasionally come back for a week but my dad works in the other town they live in. I feel lonely and I have told my mum this and she acts in different always have always will, tells me its my own fault for getting pregnant and that her life don't stop just because im pregnant etc. I told him ALL of this before we stopped talking because I thought he would not be so nasty to me as I was literally really stressed and hated myself didn't know what to do would just cry until the middle of the night. Now he does this and it just has ran my head wild

It might be vague curiosity on his part. I mean, even a totally uninvolved man has the odd spark of curiosity. My biol father is like this too. It's disappointing but people like this, it's just idle curiosity. That's all it is. Vague

He used you to get you to run around after him and he took your interest in him and slept with you while seeing other people. He has indeed done a headfuck on you. Honestly, the best and only good thing you can do with him now is to cut him out of your life completely.

I'm so sorry your mother is unsupportive. You -will- get through, and having a baby is hard work but also joyous.

HAve you spoken to your university student support team about all this yet? You have an awful lot on your plate at the moment, studying, bi-polar, single motherhood without much support, and they can do a lot to help you.

Have you thought about taking some of the pressure off and deferring your studies for a year or two? This is still possible for you. could you return to your parents' home?

I have spoken to them and they did give me the option to defer but preferably id like to continue as then I can get the degree as soon as possible rather than struggling when the baby is a child and in school. I have decided with them that I will take time off and home study for about a month when babies born and then I will go back and if I feel I can't deal with it I can defer but I would like to preferably do it till atleast may when I finish as then if I do defer I can go straight in my second year when I go back.

This is my mums home. My dad has a one bed flat about an hour away because he works up there they are married but he got a flat there as it's easier for him than travel. My mum doesn't work and is always with him she's only home to our family home on weekends and some weeks where my dad's got time off or she needs a break. So I basically live alone. I can't move with her because the flat is so small and only has one bedroom.The house I'm in has 6 bedrooms and only 2 are being used so I have room for the baby etc she will give me financial support continue paying mortgage/bills/food etc and giving me an extra bedroom for the baby but it just feels like it's not enough in terms of support because the lack of emotional support and I feel so ungrateful for saying that

not so much lack of support as kind of actively making you feel worse "it's your own fault you're pregnant".

some parents come round, but you say yours have never been there for you emotionally. though the financial support is extremely helpful!!

Is there no one who can help emotionally? is it worth getting in touch with the health visitor and asking if there are any soon-to-be-mum groups around which you'd fit into, given your circumstances?

It's not ungrateful to say that there's no emotional support, but if that's the situation then that's what it is. You can't force somebody to support you emotionally. What about friends etc? Have you thought about joining an antenatal support group? Granted they're usually older mothers but I found it really helpful when I did because it was just good to have people I knew who were in the same situation. Friendships didn't really last (other than facebook!) past a year or so but it didn't matter because by then I'd found some other friends at baby groups etc.

You are going to need emotional support from somewhere and it sounds like you can't really rely on your mum and definitely not the baby's dad.

There's a poster somewhere on here called Moominandminimoom who is a student about the same age as you, she'd probably be able to let you know what it's like doing all of that with a newborn. If I see her around I'll give her a heads up :)

You have a fully financed lifestyle so you have to accept that you are a lot better off than some. Your parents may not feel engaged with your baby today, (they could behave differently when the baby actually arrives) but plenty of people your age manage to raise families single-handed, enjoy the experience and mature quickly in the process. That said, you do sound as though you lack affection in your life and that this has sent you down some really dangerous paths. Are you getting treatment for the bi-polar disorder?

Thanks for pointing me here Bertie :)

Firstly Zara I'm so sorry to hear that you're getting so much grief from the baby's dad; you're better off without him, that much seems clear.

From a practical point of view, I'm currently in my third year of university and I had my little girl in April this year at 19, after doing my second year whilst pregnant (I was lucky that she was born on the last day of term, so I didn't have to take any time out). It's doable - there is so much support for student parents out there; if you haven't already informed your uni, please do so! Every university should have a maternity policy with clear guidelines on how university staff treat pregnant students (no discrimination on the basis of pregnancy or motherhood, being supportive of the student's choices regardless of their personal beliefs etc), and also visit your Student Union/Student Guild. The best person to talk to will probably be the Women's Officer, but some unis have different officers e.g a welfare officer. They can point you in the direction of advice and support, and can be with you as support during meetings with lecturers if arranged in advance.

Please consider joining one of the ante-natal threads on here. Mine was a lifeline to me; my little girl is six months old (today!) and I have now been speaking to the wonderful women in my ante-natal group for over a year, first on here, and now on Facebook. There are mums of all sizes, backgrounds, married, living with partner, doing it alone, and the advice and support these groups offer are invaluable.

Many areas will have groups for younger mums and mums-to-be to meet and share advice and support. I don't have any experience of these groups, but I've heard from other younger mums that they're great and often run by midwives who specialise in dealing with younger parents-to-be.

You're not ungrateful for wanting emotional support. Having the financial stability is a massive help, so you're one step ahead in that, but look at the two of them as separate entities. Just because you're getting financial support, doesn't make you any less entitled to emotional support too. I found myself in the opposite situation, fending for ourselves having moved two hours from home and family being unable to help financially, but being emotionally supportive. You need to find that emotional support from somewhere if you can; friends at uni could be a massive help with this. My uni friends have become like a family; we have countless offers of babysitting and people I know I can call in the middle of the night and they'll talk to me, or come over, and having that support there from friends is so important. Lecturers are also great support if yours are friendly. The biggest tip is, if people offer help, take them up on the offer!

Deferring for a year or two is something to consider; for me I knew it wasn't the right thing, but I didn't decide that until a couple of months after DD was born and I got a feel for how I was coping. As for being a student whilst parenting, it takes a lot of getting used to - I'm into my third week of third year and it's strange, trying to balance student life with parent life, but it is something you slip into surprisingly quickly - but I expected to feel overwhelmed at this point, and I don't.

Don't forget to make sure that if there's any financial aid you're eligible for from the student loans company - childcare grants, Parents Learning Allowance if they have it where you are etc - and to claim for it when the baby arrives. It is there for a reason :) Student Finance at your uni can help you to figure out what you are eligible for and how to claim.

If there's any more advice you need, questions or if you just want a bit of a 'you can do it!', PM me :)