Advice?

[Anonanon87]

Need some advice, not a mum so feel a bit fraudulent being here but thought id give it a go...

I've been with my Boyf 8 years and have spoken of marriage and kids for the last 6. He has always wanted to get settled in his career before engagement/marriage, which I totally get and myself wanted time to establish myself career wise. However we are in our late 20s now, he has a brilliant career as do I, and feel the time is right to start making our two into a family, but he is still not ready for us to marry and start a family. I know he feels that as we live in London, and although we earn good wages, that we cannot afford a family, but refuses to take steps for us to move away as he doesn't want to leave his career.

I understand where he is coming from completely, but feel london will mean that we never move on from where we are, and in 10 years time, I will find we have missed the opportunity to start a family and regret not forcing the issue now.

He wants a family, always has done, and would be a great dad, I just don't know where we go from here to get us there.

Sorry for the long post, any advice would be so greatly appreciated!

Have you actually sat down together and gone through the financials? Considered all options, like moving out and commuting, for example? Have you researched the cost of housing and childcare in a few different areas?

I always think where there is a will, there's a way, but if the will is lacking, finances are often used as a handy excuse.

I agree with the PP. You need to have a pretty serious conversation about this. Force the pace rather than waiting. Put on the table what you want and when you want it. Set some deadlines e.g. I want us to be married and parents by age 30.... get the commitment, get the information and start making the plans. If he's not on the same page, doesn't want to even make plans etc then it's best you find out now rather than waste more time.

Lots of people "want" a family in a passive way, without wanting it enough to do the work and make the sacrifices that go along with it. i want a holiday home in Italy, but deep down I know it'll never happen, because I'm not prepared to change career to something that pays more, or downsize my main home, or swap to a rich husband! You need to really clarify whether your partner wants a family the same way you do, otherwise it's time to cut your losses.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but I think you're further down the road of realising the costs (not just financial!) of having kids. It's possible when your boyfriend gets there, in five or ten years time, he'll find he doesn't want it so much after all, and where would that leave you? I agree with cogito: force the discussion, set some timescales, know where your limits are, and be prepared to walk away if you can't compromise on this.