Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much to accept from a "friend" having fertility problems?

13 replies

elelfrance · 09/10/2014 15:55

I'm living in Australia, and since I've been here (around 15 years), I've been friends with a group of girls who all moved to Aus from the same region of the UK. We were all single back then, there was about 8 of us to start off with, and since then we've all got married, some have had kids, some have moved away. There's 4 of us still living in the city where we all met, and while we don't see each other as regularly as we used to, up until last year we would meet up every month or two, and always when any of the girls who had moved away were back in town.
Of the four still here, one has being undergoing fertility treatment for several years, without success. When I got pregnant last year, I tried to be as sensitive as I could, not talking about pregnancy/babies all the time etc (as we had always done when the others were pregnant). I understood that for a while she needed to stay away a little, and wouldn't meet up with us very often, that was ok (we continued to invite her to anything going on, so that when she was ready, she could come out again). However, in the last few months I've being seeing less & less of everyone -at first i put this down to having the baby, being a bit away with the fairies for a while with baby blues etc. However I've realised lately that for at least 6 months, she's been organising nights out etc, and not inviting me, telling the others that its too hard for her to see me. There was even a weekend organised with some of the girls who had moved away that she organised that I wasn't invited to (found out afterwards through facebook).
I just don't know what to do now - there's the problem of tackling her with sensitivity, and there's also the problem of the other girls who seem to think that this is ok....I just can't get my head around it - me & her always got on great within the group, but were not particularly close one-on-one....but I can't help feeling its unfair that I be totally excluded from the whole group because one person doesn't want to see me...I'm trying to decide whether to kick up a fuss, or let the whole thing go...
Any outside perspective would be welcome !

OP posts:
fieldfare · 09/10/2014 15:58

Send a group email and just say that while you being pregnant is hard for this woman to deal with and you don't wish to be insensitive, they are now hurting your feelings by shutting you out.

Well, that's what I'd do anyway but I'm not overly tolerant to people behaving badly in a friendship.

FelicityGubbins · 09/10/2014 16:01

I would certainly point out that procreation isn't a crime, and to be ostracized for it is actually quite disgusting, and then leave it entirely up to them as to whether they react or not, for what it's worth very few friendships survive from ye olde days into married parenthood, but you make new and wonderful friends as a parent!

BitchPeas · 09/10/2014 16:08

I think it's actually quite spiteful. I'd send a group email like PP suggested. At least then you'd know for sure either way. Everybody has their own sadness in their lives, it's not fair to take it out on friends.

(This is coming from someone who had to have a termination for medical reasons, and had a close family member with the same due date, then 5 close friends/family announcing pregnancies in the 5 months after. It really does hurt, and I cried alone, a lot. But i was happy for them and got involved in baby showers etc didn't avoid them or make it all about my misery)

Original poster
elelfrance · 09/10/2014 16:12

Thank you all for your replies

for what it's worth very few friendships survive from ye olde days into married parenthood, but you make new and wonderful friends as a parent!

I'm not the first to have kids in the group, but it seems to be the last straw...it does feel like its kind of the end of the road for this group as far as i'm concerned, but its so hard to accept...

OP posts:
Squidstirfry · 09/10/2014 16:19

Organise things of your own with these friends, without her.

mipmop · 09/10/2014 16:50

Is there anyone within the group that you could talk to about this? I think it'd be worth getting this out in the open, whether you speak to people individually or invite a few people out and talking together about the situation.

I don't think you should feel like apologising for being busy or having other priorities after becoming a mother. The whole thing is so unfair, and unnecessary.

Original poster
elelfrance · 09/10/2014 18:08

I've been talking to one of the other girls, who i'm particularly close with...she basically squirms around a bit and says that she's in an awkward position, doesn't want to create waves etc...she says to me that she doesn't agree with whats going on, but she seems to be going along with it for the sake of peace...I'm meeting up with just her next week, I'll hash the thing out a bit more

OP posts:
divingoffthebalcony · 09/10/2014 18:14

It's not fair for this friend to railroad the rest of the group into ostracising you. Interesting that they don't want to upset her, but are seemingly happy to upset you.

At this point I would probably send a group email as fieldfare suggested. If it ruffles a few feathers and they cut you out entirely, well, they weren't great friends.

Idefix · 09/10/2014 18:36

Elelfrance, it hurts but I think your feelings that this is the end of the road for you and this group of friends is about right.
It sounds like you are essentially being ejected at the behest of one member but with no objection from the others...they are not your friends.
As fieldfare and Diving say I would spell it out to them that there behaviour has been hurtful, and unkind.
As for the friend you are meeting up with how can she stand by and say nothing!?! This not the action of a friend.
You are correct in saying there will be many more friendships to be made in the future.

Joysmum · 09/10/2014 20:41

I can understand it, but I can't understand the other members of the group not organising things to include you, even if the other woman crosses not to attend.

Perhaps they don't realise that you're hurt by this.

RedRoom · 09/10/2014 22:17

The other women don't have to attend events which have been deliberately planned to exclude you! Where are their own backbones?

Original poster
elelfrance · 10/10/2014 10:31

RedRoom , thats the biggest issue for me : if Jane (I'll call her that) doesn't want to see me for whatever reason, fine, I can get over that...but its the fact that the others want to keep her happy and are not so worried about me that's hard to swallow
But I do think I will have to swallow it, and move on from the group

OP posts:
CleanLinesSharpEdges · 10/10/2014 11:20

I think you should send the group an e-mail as suggested.

At this point you have nothing to lose, because as it's turned out, none of them are really friends anyway.

If I noticed this going on within my friendship group I'd be saying "hey has anyone invited elefrance? No? Why not? I will message her and see if she's wants to join us".

New posts on this thread. Refresh page