I will try and keep this short-ish and not drip feed.
In a nutshell met a guy on a dating site a year ago, seperated from abusive H three years ago and have 3 dcs at home with me.
From the start his contact was always formal, he spent a month texting me before we met and it was always polites, "How are you" Have you had a good day etc.
He is nearly 50 and he is no Brad Pitt (Im no Angelina Jolie!) just a normal looking man..a little old fashioned in some sense and quite "proper"
We got on well after our first meeting but for the first few weeks, he had an issue with ED,he said I was the first one since he split from his wife so I put it down to that and that sorted itself out
He was always quite cagey about his past relationships and only talked about the time up from his early 30s when he met his wife who was much younger.
She left him and he never wanted to talk about it..but from the odd bits he did tell me, she had initiated divorce proceedings and he finally confessed she had left him for someone else.
During all the time we were together, getting together was always "an arrangement" ie he would say to me..when are you free next..and would usually only want to come round when I had childcare. His contact in between dates was limited to formal texts asking how my day was and I sometimes wondered if I was actually in a relationship.
I had asked him v early on what he wanted and he said..a relationship..I had done the FWB thing and made it clear I didnt want that.
After a few months I asked him where things were going and again re iterated I didnt want FWB, he said as far as he was concerned I was his girlfriend, but I only ever saw him on designated nights of the week when the DCS went to H's house,kept communication minimal between dates and I hadnt met his friends or family. I didnt introduce him to DC's until we had been together 6 months (he has no DCS)
Around about this time he suddenly blurted out while we were on a date that he didnt think we had a future-I was gobsmacked and asked why, he said that he assumed that I would want to live with him one day andhe didnt see himself living with me and my DC's. I told him it was over and he suddenly backtracked saying he was just scared having been hurt previously etc.
I was eventually introduced to his best friend two months later but the situation continued, dates twice a week. I knew his divorce was ongoing and was causing a lot of stress as his wife wanted her share of the house but he kept v closed about it all..the only thing that I did discover was that although he had told me that his wife left a year before we met, it transpired that they attempted a reconciliation just three months before I met him, but she left again.
He was invited to a family wedding in August that involved going away for 4 days to Jersey-he went without me and when I asked why I wasnt invited despite the fact that we had been together almost a year, he gave the feeble excuse that he didnt think it appropriate for two people still married to other people, to go to a wedding together! I was pretty hurt..
To appease me, he took me away for a few days and we did have a lovely time but I felt angry. I still hadnt met or had been mentioned to any one in his family, his mum lives nearby and is unaware he was seeing anyone.
A few weeks ago he seemed pre occupied and said he was low as it was the anniversary of his dads death, I also noted that it was his wedding anniversary-a few days later he got the solicitors letter saying his wife wanted all the equity in his house and at that point told me we were over as he didnt think he wanted a relationship after all..
I was pretty upset as I had fallen in love with him and after lots of talks, he asked me to give him space, which I did..I stepped back..so far he has kept in touch and we have been out in the last week or so..he told me in one of our talks that he was fed up because I kept asking him about the divorce etc and its true, I had tried to get him to open up which was a big mistake I know..but he has always kept me at arms length and not discussed personal stuff with me so I wanted him to know I was here for him to lean on..
He has spent a lot of time crying and I know he hasnt been eating or sleeping properly..my close friends and family say that the divorce has obviously caused him major stress and he probably feels he cannot cope with a relationship right now and I should just let him come to me..but..
I am wondering if its worth it..or am I dealing with an emotionally unavailable man who may be incapable of ever loving me and possibly isnt over his wife.
I am a lot stronger than I was when my H left for another woman, so if I have to walk away..I will