extremely long sorry - how else do I get the message across to him?

[liketalkingtoabrickwall]

Been with DP 18 months. We live together. Lovely on the whole, but this gets my goat. I'm not sure my new idea is handling it right. Or even that I'm right to have an issue with this at all?

He will go out sometimes and end up at pub/meeting friends and not come back when expected. Could be daytime, could be evening. I have zero problem with him changing his plans and doing stuff spontaneously. I do have a massive problem with him not ever bothering to contact me and let me know. Just a text, or a phone call, so I'm not sitting at home wondering what time he'll be back. I'm just sort of hanging around at his convenience, that's what annoys me. I think it's simple courtesy that if you've said you will be back at 3pmish, you let someone know if you end up in a situation where you don't turn up until 6. The worst example is when he went out around 7pm 'just popping out for a drink, won't be long, around an hour' and came rolling back at 1am. There's been plenty of other times when he's two, three, four hours later. I used to ring him and he'd say 'I'm just finishing this drink, I'll be home in 20 minutes, and sometimes he would be and sometimes it would be another hour or two. So I gave up bothering to ring him. He always says he loses track of time, didn't realise it was so late etc. He also says this is just the way he is and I shouldn't try to change him. He seems to resent it - I think he feels nagged/controlled, but I honestly don't mind him staying out later, just let me know!

Am I being petty? But I'm fed up being stuck indoors waiting for him on a lovely sunny afternoon, for example, thinking we could go out and do something together but by the time he gets back it's too late. Or sitting around hungry as I'm waiting for him to return for us to have dinner. Basically, if I knew he's going to be back a different time, I'd make my own plans/go out/whatever/just chill out at home without brooding over it!

I know you'll say go out anyway, but he only does this sometimes, usually he's back when he says, so I kind of get stuck in a 'well I've waited this long, he might be back in 5 mins' thing.

All I want is a call/text to let me know he's changed his plans.

So far excuses for this over the 18 months have gone from 'why should I' as he was taking it as my checking up on him/being controlling, to his apparently now accepting it would be the right thing to do, only he 'forgets he has a phone'. Yes, seriously.

So he did it last weekend. Expected back around 1 -2, come 4pm I was pissed off. Texted him that I was going out, he immediately rushed home from the pub, I said I was still going out and walked out of door as he walked in and took myself off to the cinema and came home around 7.30pm. Told him where I was going. I got a text 'are you coming home?' a couple of hours in, which I didn't see as in cinema. When I got him he quizzed me about who I went with, he'd got it in his head I'd been off with another man, he did apologise for this after a few minutes, but then he was all pathetic and droopy and wanting cuddles and stuff all evening. (that sounds awful, but he felt bad, and wanted me to make him feel better, and I think he brought it on himself.)

Later that night I told him I was fed up with arguing over this, and I wasn't going to get stressed about it any more. So in future, when he goes out, he goes out, and comes home whenever. When I go out, I go out, and come home whenever. We no longer need to keep each other informed. When we are both happen to be in, great. That I don't really particularly want a relationship that runs that way but I can't see any other option any more. He said he didn't want a relationship like that and I said but you do, as this is how you've always done things. I'm just saying it now goes both ways.

I don't like it. I don't want to do tit for tat as it seems so childish, but on the other hand I'm also feeling the urge to just piss off out for hours without letting him know, so he can find out how it feels. And I'm sick to the back teeth of what I see as rude, inconsiderate behaviour.

Is there another way out of this stalemate?

It sounds like a nightmare.

I think you've done the right thing in just going out yourself. Do your own thing- if he really wanted to be there with you, he would be.

See how it goes with your new arrangement, he might start communicating with you more effectively and things could improve. If they don't, I would just walk away. He sounds like too much hard work.

Usually these posts need some advice, or ideas, but quite honestly, I think you are handling this brilliantly. Your response isn't 'childish', it is the only way of making him see what an arse he's being. If HE doesn't want that sort of relationship then HE has to do something about his behaviour.

Keep posting, it's a lonely path and you will need this thread to stay sane.

He is a twat, one rule for him and another for you. Even if you do go down this tit for tat route, he will continue to accuse you of cheating anf making you feel guilty for living a normal life and enjoying yourself ehen he doesn't even respect you enough to tell you when he will be home.

I personally could not be in a relationship with this kind of person but I habe had terrible experiences that have left me with little tolerance for shit behaviour. Maybe someone with less to project will have advice on how to work through it. But my gut feeling is it won't end well. He will either carry on what he has been doing, or treat you like some sort of dictator who has clipped his eings while at the same time questioning you for having the audacity to not keep your time exclusively for him. Hypocritical twat.

In my own personal experience (my dh was an absolute twat for doing this) beating them at their own game is the only way, and next time he starts bleating about "how worried he was, how upset he is" blah blah, tell him tough shit and refuse to comfort him, keep reminding him that this is what he does and he will soon learn how horrible his own medicine tastes and buck his ideas up

Or he won't in which case you will have already got used to going out and about without him and will be in a better position to dump his arse and find someone more considerate

Win win really!

It's not petty to be bothered by this. It's common courtesy to let someone know where you are if you live with them and they might be expecting you back for a meal or similar. I used to be married to a man that would disappear for hours on end... usually to some pub or other... and any number of holidays or weekends were ruined as a result. Don't miss him at all.

Were you thinking about this guy as a long term prospect? Do you have DCs together or were planning them at some point?

I was just wondering about the future too. There are quite regular posts from women whose dh's disappear like this when there are children involved.

It's just so entirely selfish. The problem here is that for you to have a relationship that works, he will have to change and change for good.

He knows it upsets you, and has already made it clear that that is no reason for him not to continue.

I would also be concerned that his first thought was "she's out with another man", because that would make me wonder if the opposite were true when he loses track of time. It's a weird conclusion to leap to in a loving relationship.

I wouldn't stay with someone on the basis that they had to change for us to be together (unless it was a small thing and there was eagerness for change).

Yes, long term, rest of our lives. Talking of marriage.

No kids together, won't be having kids. (too old for a start!)

I don't think he grasps just how fucking rude and inconsiderate it is, it really gives me the rage now. It's effecting my feelings for him as I absolutely will not be treated like this. I've been in two EA relationships in the past and my boundaries are a lot stronger now.

I think a few doses of his own medicine might get the point across nicely. I hope so. I don't understand why he has to be such a twat about it, I really don't, he isn't a twat in general.

At least you won't be in a position where you're left at home with the dcs :)

Do you really think he's so stupid that he doesn't understand that this upsets and frustrates you? Or is it that he understands, but doesn't care enough to stop?

I think you're being totally reasonable. And I think you should most certainly not pander to his pathetic snivelling about you cheating on him - I hope you didn't comfort him about that. Jesus wept. What a fucking man child.

I don't think you are being petty. From now on, do as he does. You might find after 6 months or so that you just can't be bothered with the relationship anymore, and that's fine. You have said you don't want a relationship like this.

And he probably doesn't either. He wants a relationship where the missus sits pretty at home and comes to his beck and call, whilst he can fuck off and do what he wants.

Ridiculous.

My partner has done this....twice in four years. He text me to say "just finishing up, back in an hour" then rolled in three hours later. I was furious.

The next morning I had a go at him and he said "...why didn't you just ring me? Like I ring you when I'm not sure what time you'll be back or you are running late?".

He does actually do this to be fair, so I felt a bit of an idiot, but then again we very rarely go out for hours on end separately, so it's not a big issue for us. If I rang him, he told me another hour, and then wasn't back by then and had not contacted me (as in your case) then I would be livid. You aren't this guy's mother. You shouldn't have to be chasing him to know what the fuck he is doing.

Keeping you OH informed about stuff like that is BASIC courtesy.

My dh did it as a sort of twisted rebellion against his mother (bossy controlling etc) he had got it firmly into his head that no woman ever would tell him what time to be home, where he could go blah blah, it took me a good while to get him to realise the difference between "controlling" and "expecting standard consideration" he did eventually get it, after a few pointed lessons lol

I guess he was always like that and he will only change if he wants to.

You will soon find out!

The other man thing was him getting paranoid over a work trip I did a couple of weeks ago. I travelled for weekend with male colleague - the two of us went there and back by train together, we were staying over in hotel so went out for something to eat and a few drinks that evening (it's an annual work event, just normally there's more than 2 of us travelling). Was telling him about the weekend and he got increasingly fed up of me 'constantly talking about this man'. I got rather annoyed in return, if there's only 2 of us on the trip who the hell else was I going to mention? It's not like there was a group of us and i kept talking about one particular man all the time. He apologised.

But then when I went out again to the cinema... I think his imagination was running riot. He's a very sociable person, we live in his home town, he never does anything on his own without either me or his mates. I'm more independent. I'm perfectly happy to go to cinema on my own but the idea that people actually do that, was probably a new one for him.

I don't have any worries that he's up to anything he shouldn't be when he's out. I'm perfectly sure he's just knocking back the beers with his mates.

I don't say this is the case at all, but I had one like that. He'd say we'll meet at home at 8 pm and roll in at 5 am having been to a party with mutual friends, time and time again. Before mobile phones and we didn't have a landline, but my one did that almost every weekend. In his case, I believe he did it to make sure I stayed at home and didn't go out and "cheat" on him.

Hope your strategy works quickly, OP. It is the strategy that might work.

He didn't actually outright accuse me of cheating, but it was obvious from getting grilled about 'who did you go with, you had this all planned, what movie did you see, what time was it, who was in it' in an interrogation sort of way not in a nice 'tell me about the movie' way. I think he was wondering if I'd been to see the movie at all...or who I'd gone with. Like I said, I don't think going to see a movie on your own would seem at all normal to him.

"He wants a relationship where the missus sits pretty at home and comes to his beck and call, whilst he can fuck off and do what he wants."
YES YES YES this is what really fucks me off. And it's weird as he's really the least chauvinist man, other than in this one way.

If you want to give this a go, I would set yourself a time limit. If he's not back within 15 minutes of when he says he's going to be, go do your own thing. Don't bother texting or calling him.

But I have to say, I wouldn't have the patience for it.

He knows it hurts you and does it anyway. The lack of consideration is really not good. Especially since you must both be over 40.

This just reminded me of my great granny, who got so pissed off with my Great grandfather mugging off down the pub and not coming home when he said he would, that she once marched down to the pub with his sunday dinner on a plate and put it in front of him with a "you might as well eat the bloody thing here, as you practically live here" and then stormed out!

He got ribbed about it by his mates for years...

Blimey this is hard work, relationships are supposed to be about mutual respect and trust. 18 months in and your pissed off and giving him a taste of his own medicine.

I couldn't seriously put up with a that badger like this, he takes all the fun out of your life. How can you plan anything when at the moment he lives to his own agenda, and now your committed to living yours. At best your now house mates with the occasional shag thrown in.

Marriage ? Really is he the best you could for yourself, if you feel your boundaries are stronger brilliant but they would have been a Lot tighter if you had dumped his arse after the second time he called you controlling and this was how he is.

I agree with the pp who said set a time limit but I was thinking more of setting a time limit (mentally) on the tit for tat business. If it hasn't worked by say x months, then I wouldn't/couldn't bother with this.

It is REALLY REALLY rude (yes, I feel very strongly about it ) and it's infuriating that you have to change your perfectly reasonable normal behaviour to being selfish and inconsiderate - which you never were - in order to do the tit for tat thing!

So I think you are handling this well but at the same time, I don't think he should make you change from a nice person to something else. If he doesn't get the message sharpish after a few "examples", I'd bin. Who can be bothered with this kind of selfishness from an adult?

Also - just to say, potential red flag on all the accusations and interrogations ...you'll have to see how that goes but it's really not on and it's quite weird that he quickly jumps to that conclusion.

Massive massive problem here in the fact that the instant you treat him like he has treated you there is suggestions that you have another man on the go.

Why would he jump to this conclusion? Because people expect other people to have their own morals and standards. A liar expects others to lie. A thief assumes others steal.

He instantly jumped to the idea you had another man because...

He is massively disrespectful to you and thinks you are only worth sitting around and waiting on his convenience.

This will not get better the longer the relationship continues.

It is he who is trying to control you, but you know that.

I also wonder if he is simply prioritising his relationship with the beers over his relationship with you.

potential red flag on all the accusations and interrogations .- yeah, I know. It's not happened before though so I'm writing that off as a weird few days. He's never minded me going out and about. I even went on on a Singles holiday a few months after we met and he had no problem with that (not a hook up type of holiday, just an activity one for single people, it was booked before we met).

He reminds me of my father. I know this isn't what you are asking but, the jealousy screams LTB. I am projecting a bit here as I lived with my father interrogating my mother about her every move. He also would go out and forget to come back. Alcohol was the motivation. Coming home drunk at all hours, then the alcohol and jealousy came together.
If your strategy doesn't work, don't get sucked in to trying something else, then something else...

I also wonder if he is simply prioritising his relationship with the beers over his relationship with you.

That's how I feel at times.

I didn't get a birthday present as he didn't have any money. My birthday was a Monday. He had enough money to go out boozing on the Saturday and Sunday. That really really hurt my feelings and he's never truly understood it.

This is sounding worse and worse, the more I think about it.

Oh he sounds really cruel. You deserve better.

Oh, OP, I am so sorry. The birthday thing is hurtful.