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Original poster

would this be stupid????

13 replies

onanotherday · 09/10/2014 10:33

Long story, but exh has put me and the kids through the mill. Has left us 2 years ago, had a brief fling thought I was the cause of all his woes etc. But desperately loves kids and says me. Has been almost daily contact in last six months and wants to come back. He has just been diagnosised with BPD, which would explain a lot. I miss him and so do dcs BUT, want a proper relationship and not just a carer. As he is now engaging with gp etc do you think its possible? Dcs are my priority, would dad back be more of d than harm, its gone on for so long.:-(

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/10/2014 10:39

I would definitely be going for a very slow, small step. A date night this week, an afternoon family swim next week.

"Wants to come"? No way would I be letting him move back in.

Littlef00t · 09/10/2014 10:44

I'd accept his involvement in your life as the father of your children but I think if he's just been diagnosed you need to keep him massively at arms length.

Even with a diagnosis, it doesn't mean he will necessarily be a positive thing in your life, he may not improve, using the diagnosis as an excuse.

Isetan · 09/10/2014 11:21

Frankly, its far too early to be even thinking about a future with this man, given the many challenges that lie ahead for him. His focus should be on managing his condition and any sign of a possible romantic future between you could be a distraction.

This man will always be your children's father, that relationship takes precedent. Continue building a stable future for you and your kids and don't let him use his diagnosis as a short cut back into your life.

Isetan · 09/10/2014 11:24

No date nights! The only relationship this man should be rebuilding, is with his kids.

Vivacia · 09/10/2014 11:24

What am I missing? Many people with Bipolar are in relationships and raising children. OP says he's getting help and she misses him.

OP I presumed you wanted to get back with him, or were at least open to the possibility. Are you?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2014 11:29

I think it's 'putting me and the kids through the mill' that is the problem. Plus the diagnosis of BPD is very recent. Adults can rush in where angels fear to tread but it's unfair to subject kids to the same thing.

Original poster
onanotherday · 09/10/2014 11:35

Yes I do love him, and he left because the situation had got toxic. I tried to fix it, doh! But the dcs and I have rebuilt our lives and coped, but love and miss him too. He spends as much time with us as possible, almost as if not left. I need to define the situation for me and dcs, but not sure how. It is early days, but 2 years of acceptance of issues on his part.

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 09/10/2014 12:27

He has just been diagnosised with BPD, which

Do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Disorder?

kaykayblue · 09/10/2014 12:46

Personally, yes I think it would be a terrible idea to welcome him back with open arms.

A diagnosis does not excuse what he has done to you - cheating on you, blaming you for all his problems.

You say that you are doing well without him - why would you want to risk that? Personally I think you should be focusing on trying to get him to establish regular and scheduled contact with the children, so they can keep a relationship with him, but that it's not just a haphazard affair. You need to be able to plan your life as well, not waiting at his beck and call. You need to make sure you get time alone with the children as well.

Again, personally I think your situation requires for stability as two separate parents, rather than getting back together. He needs time to focus on his own issues. If you get back together, well..I sort of wonder what his motivation would be?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/10/2014 13:45

Is he a malcontent always looking for the next thing to give meaning to his life? The sort of person who is confident he always knows best, quick to sermonise, yet only too quick to seek an easy buzz like ego stroking? When his affair came to light I expect he told you that it was your fault, you had neglected him, you were too busy with the DCs, you're the self-absorbed one...

He won't be able to bear the idea you might detach from him hence hanging around.

If you take him back he has to take responsibility for arranging and keeping appointments. You are not his therapist. I urge you to put some kind of self-preservation in place because your self-esteem will be at risk. Make sure you keep other interests, maintain friendships.

Isetan · 09/10/2014 13:51

A diagnosis Is a step but if it ain't backed up by commitment to treatment, it's a step that doesn't change a whole lot.

You're right, it's time to define and implement a contact schedule. It's not fair on any of you, waiting for something that might never happen. A good relationship with his kids shouldn't be dependent on his proximity to you.

Pantstootight · 09/10/2014 19:54

cheers excellent question, if BPD means borderline personality disorder I'd really recommend keeping him at arms length.

gamerchick · 09/10/2014 20:06

No way would I be in a relationship with somebody with BPD. It's so hard to treat as it is.

I really would keep him at arms length now he has an excuse to excuse any future behaviours.

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