Separating with a toddler

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

I would appreciate any advice from single parents on splitting up when you have a young child.

We currently don't live together but have stuff in storage (we're between homes).

I think it would be better to do it now ds is too young to understand than keep flogging a dead horse.

Here's my list of pros and cons of relationship I wrote this morning:

Pros

Good humour - when in the mood
Interested in ds
Can be affectionate at times - not often recently

Cons

Selfish/self obsessed
Emotionally unavailable - no matter what I do I won't be able to make up for his childhood and it's draining and makes you feel very alone.
Depressed
No motivation
Lethargic
Verbally abusive
Physical once (grabbed)
Unsupportive - won't support me while I do my masters.
Weird with money
Selfish in bed
Feel like I have to be a cheerleader
Needs reasons to be happy otherwise is withdrawn/quiet/insular
Angry due to his mother and I get this taken out on me.
Overreacts to situations, v angry.

I really don't get much out of this relationship. Right now as we're living apart I do all the nights alone and mornings, he comes over to eat and do ds' bath and bedtime.

I'm finding it so hard to make that final push. How do I end it. Help

I think the best advice is to aim for a good life for yourself first and foremost. Your child is part of that life and, if you're settled, confident and happy, and if you make sure your child feels secure and loved, your child will not suffer. Your ex must lead his own life, of course, and make his own decisions. If he really is interested in his child then he'll also prioritise making them feel secure and loved. He has failed as a partner and he sounds like a miserable human being but, with work, he could yet succeed as a father.

Have you ever reported the domestic abuse? Is it on record? Is he in receipt of medical treatment?

He really is miserable. I've tried to help lots of times but you can lead a horse to water etc

Never reported it to police but have been in touch with women's aid for help and advice.

I just want to be happy. I want to be single for a while until someone really kind and nice comes along, but I'm not feeling optimistic about that anymore.

I know he loves ds very much but the way he's treated me.. I just don't want ds growing up seeing this.

He's a very lethargic parent. Sits on his phone a lot while ds watches tv. Sometimes plays and takes him park.

How do I end it. Everytime I has he's talked me around and starts perking up and I see his nice side and give in

End it by having a plan. Tell him it's over and follow up by presenting the way things are going to work from now on. He has to see that you're serious and you have to act like you're serious. First to go, I would suggest, is the daily bed/bathtime thing. If he's hanging around in your home he will think (rightly) that you want to be talked round. Suggest all contact is outside your house, therefore. Keep it as a sanctuary.

He's obviously a lazy parent and an abusive man but would DS be safe in his care?

Definitely have a plan and have some of it executed before you tell him, so that you both know it's happening.

Just inform him, focus on continuity of contact between him and his son and shut down any discussion about staying together, it's not up for debate. If he gets agitated, argumentative or aggressive, he leaves.

Don't feel sorry for him, your decision will not be a surprise, frankly he's had more of your time than he's deserved.

Good luck.

Thank you. I was planning on keeping it going until ds was in preschool just so I have some help, even if not a lot.

Ds is a handful and I don't see why I should have him all day then all night while he snores away. Ds woke 4 times last night as finally awoke at 5am. Is he just to see him on weekends now then? Ds is 20 months

Your issue is with your partner/husband/whatever you call him. Not the baby. Most babies are a handful and a lot of them wake in the wee small hours.... that's just the reality. If you separate then the contact has to be mutually agreed around what's best for the child. Age 20 months it's debatable whether he should be spending regular nights away from you. It may have defaulted unfairly to you doing the lions share of the care but that's what he's used to and any changes will have to happen gradually.

:( I guess you're right. This is why I've put it off.